108: Conscious Intentional Divorce: Understanding the Victim Mindset

In this second episode in our series on conscious intentional divorce, I’m joined again by the wonderful Colette Bane to explore the victim mindset and how it can emerge during divorce. We are very clear that this conversation is not about survivors of domestic abuse or coercive control. That is a different and very important subject. Here, we are looking at the emotional patterns that can arise when someone feels aggrieved, powerless, unappreciated or resistant to the end of a relationship. Colette and I talk about how victim mindset can delay and frustrate the divorce process, sometimes appearing like passive revenge, and why it is so important to work with a supportive team who can help you return to your adult self and make decisions from clarity rather than reactivity.

Key Takeaways

1. Not every emotional person is in victim mindset
Divorce is emotional by nature. Feeling grief, anger or fear does not mean you are in victim mindset. But when someone is in victim mindset, they are often highly emotional and may not be making decisions from their most mature, grounded self.

2. This is not about domestic abuse or coercive control
Colette and I make an important distinction: survivors of abuse or coercively controlling behaviour are not being discussed here. Those situations require a very different level of understanding, protection and support.

3. Victim mindset can prolong suffering
When someone feels aggrieved by the separation, they may unconsciously delay, obstruct or frustrate the process. This can create more pain and more problems than were necessary.

4. Communication is much more than words
Colette shares why video or in-person conversations can be so important. Tone, body language and emotional cues often reveal far more than written instructions ever could.

5. Support helps you return to your adult self
A lawyer can support the legal process, but emotional steadiness often requires a wider team: a coach, therapist, counsellor or trusted support network. The aim is to move from reactivity into centred, adult decision-making.

Reference Material Mentioned

Previous podcast episodes on domestic abuse, coercive control, power and control relationships:

Episodes around 60-66 - identifying power and control dynamics and protecting yourself in unsafe relationships.

About Colette Bane
Colette is a family solicitor at Knights. She supports clients through divorce, financial arrangements, child arrangements and other family law matters with a combination of legal clarity, emotional intelligence and strategic care.

In this series, Colette brings her warmth, humour and professional wisdom to the question of how we can navigate divorce more consciously, intentionally and with as much dignity as possible.

You can find Colette on Instagram at @colette.familylaw
You can also find her on LinkedIn as Colette Bain, family solicitor at Knights.

About Your Host
Heather Garbutt is a psychotherapist, love coach and accredited Calling In The One practitioner with over twenty years of experience working with women on love, relationships and the interior work that makes lasting change possible.

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