How Trauma Hijacks Your Marriage (And How to Take It Back)

How Trauma Hijacks Your Marriage (And How to Take It Back)

Ever wonder why you snap or shut down with the person you love most? In this powerful episode, hosts Robert and Sharla Snow kick off a multi-part series exploring how trauma—big or small—shapes our closest relationships. Through the lens of brain science and a moving client story, they unpack how unhealed wounds from the past can “hijack” your marriage, driving conflict or disconnection. Using Dr. Dan Siegel’s hand model of the brain, Terry Real’s wise adult vs. triggered self framework, and Pia Mellody’s concept of the adaptive child, they reveal why we “flip our lid” and how trauma fuels those moments. The episode centers on Ethan and Lilly, a couple whose 25-year marriage was transformed when Lilly faced her childhood trauma with courage. This is a story of healing, hope, and rediscovering the US in your relationship. Tune in to learn how to spot your own triggers and start bringing your wise adult self back to your marriage.

Key Takeaways

  • Trauma’s Lasting Impact: Big “T” trauma (like abuse) or small “t” trauma (subtler wounds) can make it harder to stay emotionally regulated, causing you to “flip your lid” and react from a triggered, younger self rather than your wise adult self.
  • Flipping Your Lid: When stress or conflict overwhelms your upstairs brain (prefrontal cortex), your downstairs brain (limbic system) takes over, shifting you from an *us* consciousness to a *me* vs. *you* mindset, disrupting connection with your partner.
  • The Adaptive Child: As Pia Mellody explains, the adaptive child is a coping mechanism formed in childhood to protect you from pain. While lifesaving then, it can become maladaptive in adult relationships, as seen in Lilly’s anger-driven reactions to Ethan.
  • Healing Is Possible: By naming and addressing trauma (e.g., through techniques like Time Line Therapy and inner child work), you can shift from reactive patterns to relational, wise adult responses, as Ethan and Lilly did through vulnerability and mutual understanding.
  • Ask the Key Question: Inspired by Terry Real, ask yourself, “Which version of me is showing up?” Recognizing when your triggered self is in charge is the first step to choosing connection over conflict.
  • Coming Up: Next week, we’ll explore small “t” trauma—quieter wounds that still shape how you love and fight—and share tips to spot your adaptive child and bring your wise self online.

Dive Deeper: Resources Mentioned

Want to explore the concepts and tools from this episode? Here are the experts and resources we referenced to help you deepen your understanding of trauma and relationships:

1. Dr. Dan Siegel – The Hand Model of the Brain

  • The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (3rd Edition, 2020)
  • Dr. Siegel’s accessible explanation of the brain, including the “flipping your lid” concept, helps you understand emotional regulation in relationships.
  • Website: https://www.drdansiegel.com/
  • Free resources, videos, and courses on the hand model and interpersonal neurobiology.
  • Relevance: Used to explain how the prefrontal cortex (upstairs brain) and limbic system (downstairs brain) interact when trauma triggers emotional reactivity.

2. Pia Mellody – The Adaptive Child

  • Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives (2003, co-authored with Andrea Wells Miller and J. Keith Miller)
  • Mellody’s work on the adaptive child and childhood trauma’s lasting effects shows how early coping mechanisms impact adult...

Episoder(136)

Communication Part 2: Three Goals for Better Communication in Your Marriage

Communication Part 2: Three Goals for Better Communication in Your Marriage

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28 Aug 30min

Communication Part 1: What Happens When You Don’t Speak Up in a Relationship

Communication Part 1: What Happens When You Don’t Speak Up in a Relationship

This conversation delves into the critical importance of communication in relationships, particularly focusing on the consequences of not speaking up. Robert and Sharla explore how silence can lead to resentment, hinder intimacy, and stunt emotional growth. They discuss the roots of these communication gaps, including childhood influences and societal expectations, and provide practical tips for overcoming fear and building self-worth. The episode emphasizes the need for effective communication strategies to foster healthier relationships and encourages listeners to take actionable steps towards speaking up.TakeawaysNot speaking up can lead to misunderstandings and resentment.Intimacy requires both partners to share their thoughts and feelings.Resentment often stems from unexpressed needs and expectations.Silence in relationships can create a pattern of emotional distance.Speaking up is essential for personal and relational growth.Childhood experiences can shape communication styles in adulthood.Fear of conflict can prevent individuals from expressing themselves.Self-worth plays a crucial role in one's ability to speak up.Starting with small conversations can build confidence in communication.Effective communication strategies can help navigate difficult conversations.Connect with Us:Email: masteryourmarriage@gmail.com – Reach out for coaching, share wins, or pitch episode ideas.Instagram: @masteryourmarriage – Daily tips, behind-the-scenes reels, and a healthy dose of Snow-family humor.Reviews Matter! If this episode sparked an aha moment, drop a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and send it to a friend who could use a vision upgrade.

14 Aug 36min

Parenting Conflict Part 3: How to Unite as Parents and a Couple to Reduce Conflict

Parenting Conflict Part 3: How to Unite as Parents and a Couple to Reduce Conflict

In this episode, we delve into the challenges of parenting and its impact on relationships. We explore insights from Dr. John Gottman and discuss how major life transitions, like becoming parents, can reshape core values and priorities. Discover practical steps to align your values, resolve conflicts, and deepen your relationship.Key Topics:The impact of parenting on relationship satisfaction: Understanding and aligning core values. Practical exercises for couples to navigate parenting challenges, Success stories, and research-backed strategiesConnect with Us:Email: masteryourmarriage@gmail.com – Reach out for coaching, share wins, or pitch episode ideas.Instagram: @masteryourmarriage – Daily tips, behind-the-scenes reels, and a healthy dose of Snow-family humor.Reviews Matter! If this episode sparked an aha moment, drop a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and send it to a friend who could use a vision upgrade.

9 Aug 40min

Breaking Generational Patterns in Relationships, with Leanna Hunt

Breaking Generational Patterns in Relationships, with Leanna Hunt

In this episode, we dive deep into the concept of generational patterns and how they affect relationships. Our guest, Leanna Hunt, a somatic therapist and certified performance coach, shares insights on nervous system regulation and generational trauma healing. We explore how trauma can be passed down through generations and discuss practical steps couples can take to break these cycles.Key Topics:Introduction to generational patterns and their impact on relationships. The science behind trauma inheritance, including the cherry blossom study on mice. The role of the nervous system in perceiving safety and threat. Practical steps for couples to recognize and address inherited patterns. The four-step framework: Notice, Name, Nurture, and Navigate. Real-life examples of healing generational patterns.Links Mentioned:Follow Liana Hunt on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/aligningwithleannaAligning with Liana Book: "It Didn't Start with You" by Mark Wolynn: https://www.amazon.com/Didnt-Start-You-Inherited-Family/dp/1101980389Connect with Us:Email: masteryourmarriage@gmail.com – Reach out for coaching, share wins, or pitch episode ideas.Instagram: @masteryourmarriage – Daily tips, behind-the-scenes reels, and a healthy dose of Snow-family humor.Reviews Matter! If this episode sparked an aha moment, drop a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and send it to a friend who could use a vision upgrade.Hashtags: #MasterYourMarriage #GenerationalHealing #RelationshipAdviceRemember, it's the small things done often that have the greatest impact. Be kind to each other and put each other first.

31 Jul 52min

Parenting Conflict Part 2: How to Fix Parenting Mismatches to Save Your Marriage (And Help Your Kids)

Parenting Conflict Part 2: How to Fix Parenting Mismatches to Save Your Marriage (And Help Your Kids)

In this episode, we discuss the impact of parenting differences on marriages and introduce two conflict blueprints for couples. The importance of gentle communication, understanding core values, and the need for compromise in resolving disagreements. The conversation includes practical examples and research-backed strategies to enhance communication and foster stronger, more meaningful relationships.TakeawaysDifferences in parenting can cause stress in marriages.Getting on the same page as parents leads to better outcomes for children.Two conflict blueprints are introduced: gentle start and gridlocked issues.The need to be right can be destructive in relationships.Compromise fosters creativity and better solutions.Influence in a relationship requires being open to influence.Starting conversations gently predicts their success.The feedback wheel is a useful tool for giving and receiving feedback.Understanding core values is crucial for resolving gridlocked issues.Temporary solutions can be revisited and adjusted over time.Connect with Us:Email: masteryourmarriage@gmail.com – Reach out for coaching, share wins, or pitch episode ideas.Instagram: @masteryourmarriage – Daily tips, behind-the-scenes reels, and a healthy dose of Snow-family humor.Reviews Matter! If this episode sparked an aha moment, drop a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and send it to a friend who could use a vision upgrade.Feedback Corner: Thought of a topic we haven’t covered? Hit reply—your ideas shape future shows.

17 Jul 44min

Parenting Conflict Part 1: Is a Mismatch in Parenting Killing Your Marriage (And Harming Your Kids Emotional Development)?

Parenting Conflict Part 1: Is a Mismatch in Parenting Killing Your Marriage (And Harming Your Kids Emotional Development)?

In this episode, we delve into the universal challenges of parenting conflicts, exploring how core values and meta-emotion mismatches can escalate disagreements. We discuss research findings from Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Nancy Eisenberg, offering insights into managing these conflicts and aligning parenting styles for the well-being of children.Key Points:Top three conflicts among couples with young children: chores, money, and parenting. The Impact of Divorce on Parenting Disagreements and Ongoing Conflicts. Understanding meta-emotion mismatches and their role in predicting divorce. Dr. Eisenberg's research on emotional socialization and parenting styles. The importance of aligning parenting styles to foster emotional intelligence in children.Join us next week for part two, where we'll dive into practical solutions using Gottman's Dreams Within Conflict method to align your parenting approach. Connect with UsEmail: masteryourmarriage@gmail.com – Reach out for coaching, share wins, or pitch episode ideas.Instagram: @masteryourmarriage – Daily tips, behind-the-scenes reels, and a healthy dose of Snow-family humor.Reviews Matter! If this episode sparked an aha moment, drop a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and send it to a friend who could use a vision upgrade.Feedback Corner: Thought of a topic we haven’t covered? Hit reply—your ideas shape future shows.

10 Jul 23min

Fighting Well in Marriage: A Litmus Test for Emotional Maturity

Fighting Well in Marriage: A Litmus Test for Emotional Maturity

In this episode, we explore the concept of emotional maturity and its critical role in maintaining healthy relationships. We discuss how maturity isn't tied to age but is reflected in behavior, especially during disagreements. We share the importance of handling conflicts with empathy and understanding, drawing insights from Dr. John Gottman's research on relationship predictability.Key Points:Emotional maturity is about recognizing and managing emotions productively. Dr. John Gottman's research highlights the importance of how couples handle disagreements. The impact of social media and technology on emotional maturity. Practical strategies to build emotional maturity and manage conflicts.Takeaways:Emotional maturity involves self-control, empathy, and prioritizing the relationship over ego. Conflicting opinions are normal and can be healthy if managed maturely. Building emotional maturity requires practice and intentional effort.Connect with UsEmail: masteryourmarriage@gmail.com – Reach out for coaching, share wins, or pitch episode ideas.Instagram: @masteryourmarriage – Daily tips, behind-the-scenes reels, and a healthy dose of Snow-family humor.Reviews Matter! If this episode sparked an aha moment, drop a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and send it to a friend who could use a vision upgrade.Feedback Corner: Thought of a topic we haven’t covered? Hit reply—your ideas shape future shows.

3 Jul 33min

Triangulation: A Toxic Relationship and Family Pattern

Triangulation: A Toxic Relationship and Family Pattern

This episode delves into the toxic pattern of triangulation in relationships, particularly within family dynamics. The hosts discuss how triangulation manifests, its impact on emotional health, and the importance of direct communication. They provide strategies for recognizing and breaking free from this pattern, emphasizing the need for awareness, setting boundaries, and doing personal work to foster healthier relationships.TakeawaysTriangulation involves pulling a third person into a conflict instead of addressing it directly.This pattern can create significant emotional distress and dysfunction in relationships.Children often become unwitting participants in triangulation, which can harm their emotional development.Enmeshment and triangulation are closely related, often leading to blurred personal boundaries.Recognizing triangulation is crucial for breaking the cycle and fostering healthier communication.Setting clear boundaries is essential to avoid being drawn into triangulation.Direct communication is a key strategy for resolving conflicts without triangulation.Personal growth and self-awareness are necessary to break free from unhealthy patterns.Triangulation can perpetuate generational dysfunction within families.Healthy relationships thrive on clear, direct communication and emotional honesty.Connect with UsEmail: masteryourmarriage@gmail.com – Reach out for coaching, share wins, or pitch episode ideas.Instagram: @masteryourmarriage – Daily tips, behind-the-scenes reels, and a healthy dose of Snow-family humor.Reviews Matter! If this episode sparked an aha moment, drop a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and send it to a friend who could use a vision upgrade.Feedback Corner: Thought of a topic we haven’t covered? Hit reply—your ideas shape future shows.

26 Jun 34min

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