What role are you playing

Register for this month's webinar: https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6615948536985/WN_mO3BbHAVQH-ja0W_oXUfJA zachspafford.com There are three natural roles that we tend to gravitate to in our relationships with others. Steven Karpman codified these in what he called the drama triangle. Understanding how these roles work can really help each of us figure out where we are in this space and then, ultimately move out of the triangle into the fourth role that is where we all want to be. The thing about these roles is that we tend to occupy each of the roles at some point or another. When it comes to our behavior, and especially addictive behaviors that we want to stop, this can be a real stumbling block to real progress in the search of becoming the best person we can be. The other thing is that how you move from each of the roles in the drama triangle to the role that you ultimately want in order to maximize fulfillment and minimize the pain that you are creating and feeling is slightly different. The three roles in the drama triangle are – victim, villain or prosecutor and hero or rescuer. The role that you want to have and the one that will bring you the most long term satisfaction is that of what I call the owner. Let’s take a look at each role and then we’ll talk about how you can move out of the drama triangle and into the owner role. Victim – This is probably the most self-explanatory role. When you are the victim you feel powerless, helpless and stuck. For someone that is dealing with pornography use as the user, they might think, “I’m an addict” or “I’m powerless against my addiction” For someone who is working at a job they might think, “This is the best job I’ll ever get, I can’t leave it” For a spouse of someone who is overeating they might think, “I’m stuck with this person forever.” At it’s most extreme These are people who believe that the world is happening to them. Nothing goes right in their life and nothing good ever happens. You might describe them as an energy vampire. Always sucking the energy out of life and unable to give anything back. The issue with being the victim, as you might have surmised, is that, in their mind at least, nothing is their fault, nothing is in their control and they can do nothing to make their life better. Villain/persecutor – This is the person who is self righteous and can even show up as a bit of a bully. In this role the person taking responsibility for the actions of others. They do this from a judgmental and self-satisfied tone. In a marriage this person might believe, “my husband just needs to stop looking at pornography, it’s that simple” At the office this might look like, “If accounting doesn’t like the way we are doing this, then they can come up here to sales and do it themselves.” As a parent you might get something along the lines of, “I saved your butt once before on this, you never learn, I don’t know why I even try” In that last one you can see how fluid these roles can be, in that you see someone might have been the hero before, but now they are really laying into the other person. Hero/rescuer – This is a person who takes responsibility for other people’s problems and make it their own, even though, in their own life they may not have their own life together. This is the person who will come in and spend a lot of energy in a short period trying to fix someone else’s issues, often at the expense of their own So this is a person who may believe something like, “if I help this person they will appreciate me” When spouses fill this role it often looks something like being in charge...