Overcoming Pornography through Differentiation - Series 5 of 5

Differentiation – enmeshment Meaning frames - Disorganization - Reorganizing with integrity Self-confrontation – other confrontation Self-validation – other validation Self-disclosure - Self-presentation = Intimacy p 102-103 This month has been a real deep dive. It has included a lot of really meaningful topics and subjects that I have tried to make as understandable as possible. We started with looking at our meaning frames and how disorganizing it can be to have them shattered by our partner not living up to the understandings that we have about pornography viewing in our relationships. Next, we moved on to the process of confronting ourselves and our partner in loving and meaningful ways that can help us reorganize ourselves into more integrated people. The following week, we discussed how we are extracting validation from our partners, how we can stop doing that, and how we can become more self-validating through some of the work we discussed in the previous weeks. Last week we talked about disclosure and the ways in which we present ourselves to others in order to manage their beliefs and ideas around who we are. This is the last episode of the series. Here we are going to explore enmeshment, differentiation, and the process of becoming a whole person who can also be a good partner without the need for someone to function for us. One of the biggest struggles that I think most marriages have is the issue of how much we fold into each other. What I’m talking about here is the amount of enmeshment and conformity that occurs when we become a couple. What this might look like is, a need to have the same opinion on important issues. It might look like, one partner over functioning while the other partner under functions, which can be flipped in certain circumstances. This also looks like some of the requirements we have that our partner reflect our sense of who we are back to us. Rather than holding up a mirror to who we are as we discussed in the self-confrontation/other-confrontation episode. In the process of creating intimacy that is built out of the validation of others, we often move along nicely together, until one day everything gets stuck or snaps and we find ourselves and our relationship in a moment of crisis. It might be a small crisis. It might be a big crisis. In the case of a pornography struggle, this is often a pretty big crisis. Where we have spouses saying things like darcy did to me, “if you don’t get this under control, this is the end of our relationship.” In part, this is occurring Because the meaning-framework that we brought to the marriage is insufficient to hold onto the reality of the situation (that one partner is viewing pornography and pornography is destructive so our marriage is in jeopardy and so is my sense of self) in the face of the pain that is occurring through the rejection that the other partner is feeling. When we have crises points like this in our lives there are basically 3 ways that we can deal with it. Here we are again leaning heavily on dr David schnarch’s book, passionate marriage. I. The first is to either violate yourself by folding into their demands on you or violating your partner by requiring them to fold into your demands of how things must be. In this scenario, I think a lot of women and partners of those viewing pornography feel totally justified. Part of our culture and part of our moral code demands that pornography never be part of the equation ever or it will destroy. So making this demand that your partner violate themselves to simply behave the way you need them to behave so you can be enough for them sexually regardless of what that looks like is pretty much ok with in LDS...