The New Joy of Sex: Part 3

The New Joy of Sex: Part 3. A Lover's State of Mind and Soul.

2008, based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam. Listen to the podcast at How To Sex.

Hormones.

The fuel in the sex machine, keeping desire, arousal, and performance ticking over, as well as driving affection and love. For the most part, they form a constant underpinning of mood, supporting though never replacing the honest-to-goodness sexual diesel generated by enthusiastic lovers.

A peak or a valley, on the other hand, can impact. Sexually, the crucial fuel is testosterone, for her as well as for him. His will peak during his twenties, then settle into a more or less consistent pattern, dipping over the course of a long term relationship and rising in a new one; no excuse for straying, but a possible explanation of the temptation to do so. With age, it will gently decline; but rarely enough to cause problems; if his erection is failing, that’s reason for action, not resignation.

In her, testosterone has the same effect, raising desire, demand, and energy; in the last third of her menstrual month, when levels of the hormone are high, try more urgent, fighting sex. Around the menopause, as estrogen drops away and testosterone levels stay high, she may find to her delight a lust that lasts for months or years; a second adolescence of which she can take full advantage.

Oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone,” both bonds partners in affection and makes them less likely to want to be sexual; one reason why the postorgasmic default is to hug rather than go for a second bout. Add in prolactin, the “done that, time to rest” hormone also released at orgasm, to explain why, for him in particular, the default may well be to sleep. Prolactin is released when breast-feeding too, another reason why postpartum she may be utterly turned off all things sexual; just as the contraceptive pill, breast-feeding, and stress may imbalance her general hormone levels, with the same low-desire result. But never be held hostage; hormones may affect mood, but they can’t overrule action; clear thinking, reassuring communication, and making love regardless are often enough to offset imbalances.

These notes are mainly included here for interest and understanding; all genuine lovers will want to know what’s under the hood in order to make the car purr more sweetly; but largely there are no bedroom applications. If the machine falters, however, science is increasingly able to supply an answer; see your doctor.

Preferences.

More of us than we may think have a wide sexual range; that is to say, are able to respond sexually to either gender. Yes, many recognize who they are early in life and never shift. But adolescents often experiment before settling, and adults dream; same-sex relationships are in the top three sexual fantasies for heterosexuals, and some of the most surprising people; like Hans Christian Andersen; live out such dreams in real life. Preferences are not a choice that can be overridden in the long term; you may like both sexes, but if you don’t, the irrelevant one simply doesn’t smell right and there is no negotiating that.

If you occasionally wonder; as opposed to having strong and clear desires in a particular direction; you are probably not gay but curious. If you have strong, clear desires, don’t agonize but talk it through; ringing a gay or lesbian help line won’t mean you are persuaded or presupposed into it, but will mean you speak to someone who has asked themselves the same questions as you have and found appropriate answers. Your own answer, once found, could transform your sex life and also your life in general; passion can flow and activities that seemed off-putting with one gender can, with the other, feel natural and fulfilling. Surely it doesn’t need saying that the joy of sex is rooted in knowing who you really are.

As to the whole political agenda, happily in most countries all of the above is not the “problem” it was when this book was first written, though in most cultures it’s still a challenge and in others it’s still actively against the law, either secular or religious. We, however, believe that one person’s flavor of sexuality is no one else’s business; everyone should be free to follow their inclinations without fear or favor. If you don’t, you not only waste your own life pretending to be someone you aren’t, you also potentially waste the life of a partner who knows there is something not quite right but can’t pinpoint it. Whatever your preferences, be honest with yourself and your beloved, and never think you can “cure” a partner of their own preference by imposing yours upon them.

This book is written for the straight reader but, within the context of a loving relationship, behaviors borrowed from the whole range of possible preferences can have their uses. Don’t dismiss (or judge) anything until you have tried it at least once.

Confidence.

It is, surely, a self-fulfilling prophecy that the more confident you are, the more you will enjoy sex. This is not about arrogance; the assumption that one is God’s gift will be an instant turnoff, particularly to women, if only because they know with that sort of mental map a man won’t have bothered to learn enough to be even moderately useful. At the other end of the extreme, a partner who starts off lacking in confidence only proves delightful if they ultimately benefit from care and feeding; lasting and insistent insecurity is draining in bed and out of it.

But true sexual confidence; being relaxed, knowledgeable about oneself, willing to learn about another, ready to ask for what’s needed, happy to take charge, and unwobbled by either failure or rejection; makes for that ultimate in sexual partners, one who is able both to give and receive with an equal abundance of pleasure.

This has nothing to do with looks. Nowadays, almost all women; and an increasing number of men; are scared of being spurned on that count, but this is because the media manipulates body image. If you don’t love your body, change your mind; if your partner doesn’t love your body, change your partner. Note to her: men are almost always more focused on sensation and the feelings of acceptance that sex gives than on your size, shape, or degree of firmness. If he has ever hugged you clothed, he already knows your shape; if when you are unclothed he has an erection, then he not only accepts but lusts after it. Note to him: women care hardly at all about shape, so relax please.

He, however, may have other insecurities. He is asked to demonstrate potency in much more obvious ways than she is, and the men’s magazines may have convinced him that unless he can do so he will be rejected. But in terms of pure erection, there are always other ways; and for most women those ways are just as acceptable, certainly on an occasional basis. If generally nervous, the answer is to end up in bed only with a partner one is relaxed with and then try things out. As with all human activities, the way to mastery is through play.

Whatever one’s size, experience, and ability; or disability; good sex is one of the most powerful confidence-builders because it places each partner right in the center of the other’s attention; beyond that, genuine compliments, demonstrated affection, and a total lack of comparison will complete the magic spell. She says: “Show me that you think I’m beautiful and everything else follows.” His words may be different, but the essential message will be the same.

Cassolette;

her greatest sexual asset alter her beauty.

French for perfume box. The natural perfume of a clean woman: her greatest sexual asset after her beauty (some would say greater than that.) It comes from the whole of her; hair, skin, breasts, armpits, genitals, and the clothing she has worn: it is her own signature scent and no two women are the same in this respect. Men have a natural perfume too, which women are aware of, but while a man can be infatuated with a woman’s personal perfume, women on the whole simply tend to notice if a man smells right or wrong. Wrong means not so much unpleasant as intangibly not for them. Often their awareness of a man includes conditioned extras such as work odors or aftershave.

Because it’s so important, she needs to guard her own personal perfume carefully and learn to use it as part of her powers of attraction as skillfully as she uses the rest of her body. (We now know the science behind all this; pheromones, a kind of biological speed-bonding, making one attractive, relaxing a potential partner, creating mood. They say, “I’m interested; I’m interesting.”) In particular, a woman’s personal perfume can be a long-range weapon (nothing seduces a man more reliably, and this can happen subliminally), but at the same time a skillful man can read it, if he is an olfactory type, and if he knows her, to determine when she is sexually excited.

Susceptibility and consciousness of human clean perfumes vary in both sexes. Women have the keener sense of smell, but men respond to it more as an attractant. Whether these are inborn differences, like inability to smell asparagus, or whether they are due to unconscious blocking-out, we don’t know. Some children can’t understand the point of blind man’s buff because they know by smell who is touching them: some women can smell that they are pregnant. Men can’t smell some chemicals related to musk unless they have a shot of female sex hormone. Far more human loves and antipathies are based on smell than our deodorant-and-aftershave culture admits. Many people, especially women, say that when it’s a question of bed or not-bed, they let their noses lead them.

Which means it’s sad that, culturally, we are conditioned to deodorize and perfume. Better by far would be soap and water, although the unfortunates who sweat profusely may well have problems. A mouthful of aluminum chloride in an armpit is one of the biggest disappointments bed can afford, and a truly deodorized partner would be another. If smell (and taste) do become unpleasant, it’s probably a shift of diet or an infection; both can be cleared up, and should be done so in short order. There is no excuse for bad breath or the unilateral eating of garlic. Where lovemaking regularly happens at the end of a long, hot, or hard day, create a ritual of showering together beforehand. If you find each other’s perfume becoming distasteful long term, however, it may be a reflection of a more emotional distaste. Take it seriously.

Many women shave their armpit hair, conditioned as they are by the idea that hairlessness is sexy. Opinions are divided on this one; fashion dictates armpits should be bare, but hairs catch our pheromonal scent. This could be played as an argument for more body hair in general, but men’s facial hair doesn’t have the day-to-day importance of a woman’s little tufts. These are antennae and powder puffs to introduce herself in a room, or in lovemaking. They are there to brush the man’s lips with; he can do the same more circumspectly. Kissing deeply in the armpit leaves a partner’s perfume with you.

In the genital kiss, start with the lips covered, then brush the closed lips, then open her; when she gives the kiss to a man, she proceeds in the same order. It’s the fullest way to become aware of each other, even before you start to touch. She will feel much more at ease with this if he says clearly that he likes her scent and taste. Many women labor under the belief that their natural odor, particularly the pussy scent, is too strong. He can reverse this more or less instantly by showing enthusiasm.

Vulva;

can be stroked, sucked, squeezed, licked, softly stimulated with a vibrator.

Her external parts, the equivalent of scrotum and penile skin for him, and beautifully immortalized in feminist artist Judy Chicago’s exhibition The Dinner Party; thirty-nine vulval images symbolizing thirty-nine inspirational women. Can be stroked, sucked, squeezed, licked, softly stimulated with a vibrator; go up one side and down the other. Her perineum; between vagina and anus; is as sensitive as his; tease gently with a fingertip.

The U-spot (see trigger points), between clitoris and vagina, can also be gently pressed in circular movements; use a careful knuckle or the tip of his penis; an unerect penis will give different sensations from an erect one. If she is sensitive post-climax, this will help her scale the peak again.

She may be insecure about the way she looks here; color, thickness, and size; but this is just one more reflection of the fact that most genital images we see have been doctored. New or growing lumps or bumps, however, like rashes or pain, need attention. The

current fashion for “tidying” labia surgically is a mutilation; in cultures less primitive than ours, women do the opposite, actively stretching their labia, then proudly folding them into origami shapes.

Vagina.

As magic as the penis, and to some males slightly scary: luckily, few anxieties survive closer acquaintance, but they are involved in certain male hang-ups. Prudes treat it as if it was radioactive; “All magic,” said a Papuan wizard, “radiates from it as fingers do from a hand”; and a lot of put-downs of women throughout history grew from this kind of Freudian undergrowth.

This is sad, for the vagina to her is as powerful yet vulnerable as the penis is to him, the source of reassuring menstrual blood, thudding orgasms, longed-for birth. Theoretically, only the first third of the vagina is truly sensitive; as a symbol of her openness and femininity, however, the whole of it is at the heart of her sexuality.

Normally slightly moist, or women would squeak when they walk, the vagina wets more or less copiously with sexual excitement; some women also ejaculate at orgasm, though that’s certainly not universal (see trigger points.) Apart from this, any staining, discharge, rash, bleeding, or pain indicates infection and needs checking out; have regular Pap smears and a vaccination too, please, to protect against cervical cancer. The normal vaginal odor varies greatly between women and between times, but should always be pleasant and sexually exciting. For care and maintenance, don’t douche; it destroys not only healthy secretions but also the pheromones that attract him. A healthy vagina self-cleans.

Whether or not he has ever explored a woman’s pussy in detail, with fingers, eyes, and tongue, he should make sure he explores hers. She should learn to kiss with it; she has two mouths to his one.

Clitoris.

The first edition of this book commented that “the phallic-minded male is inclined to make a reassuring rush for the clitoris.” We now know that such a male would be absolutely correct; the clitoris and the phallus are in fact gender-adapted equals. Australian urologist Helen O’Connell’s research shows that the average clitoris; both what’s above the surface and the much bigger section buried in the pelvis; is quite as big as a flaccid penis, is made of exactly the same erectile tissue, has a penis-like shaft, and displays a tiny glans with its own foreskin. Smugly, it also has twice the number of nerve endings as its male counterpart.

Whether because of too little knowledge or too much distrust, society has never given the clitoris the same weight of symbolism as the penis. Those more aware, however, know that its role is to set light to the vagina as “pine shavings can be kindled to set a log of; wood on fire” (Freud.) Comedienne Carol Leifer put it more succinctly: “Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location” (see clitoral pleasure.) It is regrettable that some cultures feel the need to excise it; though Western cultures too, until very recently, used circumcision as a cure for “female problems.”

As to its role in climax, there is surely no point in joining the “pro” or “con” debate; everyone has the right to experience an orgasm in as many ways as they want to and are able to. But it should be added that while many women don’t ever orgasm easily through intercourse, few fail to orgasm through stimulation of the clitoris. It is, of course, the only human organ designed purely for pleasure.

Mons pubis.

The decorative fat pad situated over the female pubic bone that acts as a buffer in face-to-face intercourse, and which, more importantly, incorporates a layer of nerve endings that serve to transmit sensation to the rest of the area when it moves or is moved.

Many men are not aware, if they are oversold on direct clitoris stimulation, that most women can be brought to orgasm simply by holding this gently in the cupped hand and kneading or shaking it, before, without, or as well as putting a finger in the vagina (see pubic hair.)

He can either grasp it (it exactly fits the palm) or rest the heel of his hand on it while using the fingers on the labia, or he can cup the whole area, mons and closed labia, in palm and fingers; he can then practice seeing how much sensation he can produce with her lying completely closed. In return, she can grasp his mons, circling his penis with her fingers, her other hand on his scrotum; though typically the effect is not the same; some men find that it simply tickles.

To be continued. based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam, for The New Joy of Sex.