Being a Forever Porn Addict Is Exhausting

I was working with a client this week and he said something that really struck me. He said, the work that we had been doing made him think that he was less depressed, more hopeful, no longer part of the addict class. This got me thinking. When I was attending 12 step meetings and saying, “Hi, my name is Zach and I’m a porn addict” the message of being an addict was clear. Once a porn addict, always a porn addict. I don’t know why this ideology grew up in the 12 step system. No matter why it’s there, being a forever addict seems to be the way that we are encouraged to think about our struggles when it comes to pornography. It baffles me a little because it would seem to be contrary to everything that the 12 step program would be working toward. This seemingly contradictory message of being a forever addict while simultaneously participating in a group that has, as its core mission, eliminating an addictive behavior from your life is, I believe one of the reasons 12 step groups fail to succeed and most people fail to actually eliminate their problems within those groups. Dr. Lance Dodes, author of The Sober Truth, details the evidence in his book, that about 5% of people who participate in 12 step groups are successful at actually eliminating their pornography addiction. That is, by the way, the same percentage that occurs when you just do the work on your own and just decide to quit. People who do it without any program, succeed about 5% of the time. So, in terms of evidence based analysis of successful systems of intervention, 12 step programs are about as likely to help you overcome pornography for good as if you went to no one and did it on your own. By contrast, Acceptance and Commitment coaching has a 95% success rate at 30 days and 80% at 6 months. But back to the idea that Once a porn addict, always a porn addict has always been something that I bristled at, even when I was deep in the 12 step ethos. Why? I think there are 3 reasons why being a forever addict is not only a bad idea, but it is actually holding you back and keeping you from succeeding at overcoming pornography. Being an addict reduces your responsibility over your actions. When we use addiction language we are often putting off responsibility for our actions to something outside of us. For instance, the phrase “I slipped this week and looked at porn.” Which is a phrase I’ve said and heard countless times. It sets the locus of control for the actions outside of the person. It is even self contradictory. The first part, I slipped, conjures up a sense that some unseen force like gravity pulled me in a direction that I did not choose. The same as when we say, I slipped on some Ice or I slipped down the mountain. Gravity, regardless of your choices is taking you in a direction that you are not choosing to go. But then we say, I looked at porn, which looking is an action we take. I often ask people, when you view pornography how does it happen? They tell me things like how they go on their computer or phone, they start with some website or another and after a few minutes they are engaged in viewing pornography. I have never once, had anyone tell me that someone showed up to their house and chained them to a chair, and made them watch pornography. We talk like we are out of control, but the reality is that we are making the choices even though we regret them later. That isn’t to say that there isn’t compulsion or urging in that direction, because, for most people there is. But compulsion isn’t the same as being out of control and unable to choose. It is that there are real, strong, and compelling reasons to view...