#22: Are You Codependent? 3 Tips to Regain Control

If you are in a relationship or have ever been in a relationship and you've heard the following phrases, you might be codependent:

• "Why are you being so needy!?"
• "I can't do everything for you!"
• "Can’t you figure it out on your own!?"

Now, let me be clear… codependency, although not recognized as an official diagnosis in the DSM-5, it is a pattern of behaviors that can be linked to a mental health diagnosis such as depression, anxiety, personality disorders, dependent personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, etc. In no way am I saying you have any of these things and if there is a concern that you do, I would recommend seeking a licensed psychotherapist to evaluate you. The reason I bring it up is because I feel that the term "Codependency" has become a buzz word that is used flippantly, just like the term "Narcissist." It is incredibly important that you recognize the differences and not use terms that don’t actually apply to yourself, your partner, or anyone else.

Here are some ways to regain control:

Self-Awareness: Often, you aren't aware of the fact that you are codependent because this is something that has been a part of your behavior for an extended period of time. Many psychologists would argue that codependency stems from childhood trauma, therefore, the process of self-awareness may require a combination of coaching and therapy to unpack unhealed trauma's and create an action plan moving forward. Regardless, acknowledging patterns of behavior that are no longer serving you or conducive to building relationships is going to be the first step.

Setting Boundaries: Boundaries are difficult for MOST people to set, let alone if you are struggling with codependency. Understanding the basic fundamentals of setting boundaries is going to be crucial when you first start. To keep it simple and not overwhelm you, I'll break it down to 3 basic steps:

1. Know Your Limits: become familiar with you personal needs and expectation. This is what the self-awareness phase is for.
2. Be Specific: Communicate those needs and expectations clearly. It should be black and white with room for compromise.
3. Be Consistent: Stick to your boundary. Often, people struggle to maintain their own boundaries which allows others to cross them.

Self-Care: Establishing self-care routines is going to be VERY important. Why? If you are codependent or exhibit codependent behaviors, that means you have a tendency of prioritizing everyone else and you always take a back seat. In the long-run, that is a recipe for resentment, frustration, and anger. Doing things for yourself (exercise, meditation, journaling, alone time, etc.) will help you shift that mindset. It will not be easy in the beginning, but overtime you will notice a HUGE difference in yourself and your relationships.

Chapters:

Intro

00:01

Some of the common signs of codependency

04:45

What I have learned about the Queer community

08:35

How to you overcome codependency

12:12

Setting boundaries

14:30

Self-care is important

16:34

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