My Husband Hasn't Touched Me in 12 Years – Here’s what to do

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In this raw episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura tackle a question most couples are too afraid to ask out loud: What do you do when your spouse hasn't initiated sex in over a decade? The answer will challenge everything you think you know about intimacy, desire, and what's really going on beneath the surface.

Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey of rebuilding after devastating betrayal, Carl and Laura expose an uncomfortable truth: a sexless marriage isn't actually about sex. It's about safety, avoidance, and what the nervous system has learned to protect itself from. And those patterns are quietly destroying more marriages than the fights ever could.

Laura shares why women often fear initiation and what that internal dialogue actually sounds like. Carl delivers the conversation most couples avoid: if your spouse has shut down sexually, their nervous system has learned avoidance as protection—and shaming them won't fix it.

From the three avenues every couple must explore (invisible hurdles, relational disconnect, and the meaning of sex in your marriage) to the two-month "pressure reset" that rebuilt their own intimacy—this episode delivers practical truths for couples who want to stop surviving and start connecting.

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This episode will challenge any couple who believes the problem is just about frequency when it's really about safety, honesty, and friendship.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/

Supported by Plana https://plana.org/ Supported by God Behind Bars https://godbehindbars.com

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CHAPTERS:

00:00 The Sexless Marriage Epidemic

01:57 Why We're Not Marriage Experts

03:14 The Question That Started It All

04:44 Why The Church Doesn't Talk About This

08:05 Redefining What's "Normal" For Your Marriage

12:48 Three Questions That Actually Unlock Answers

14:24 God Behind Bars Partnership

15:59 Why Your Spouse Stopped Initiating

17:22 Go Higher Than Sex

18:52 How To Start The Conversation (Without Accusations)

21:49 Avenue 1: The Invisible Hurdles

24:52 Avenue 2: The Relational Disconnect

27:32 Be Kinder, Get More Action

29:11 Plana Partnership

30:24 Avenue 3: What Sex Means To You

33:45 The Two-Month Pressure Reset

37:16 When Your Needs Aren't The Priority

40:55 Why Having This Conversation Makes You Brave

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