Grief, Poetry and a New Kind of Masculinity with Darragh Fleming #174

Darragh Fleming went viral last year for a poem — but this conversation is about everything that came before it. The Cork writer talks to Laura about a childhood spent lost in books, a long detour through sport and self-doubt, and the years he spent convinced he wasn't creative at all.

At seventeen, Darragh lost his close friend Irby to suicide, and the grief changed him profoundly. For years afterwards he felt almost nothing — a numbness he didn't recognise as depression — while quietly performing the emotions other people expected of him. He's honest about the survivor's guilt that made him sabotage his own happiness, the panic attack that became his rock bottom, and how therapy and journaling slowly led him back to writing.

From there the conversation opens out into the work Darragh is known for now: poetry that reimagines what it means to be a man. He and Laura discuss why anger is so often the only emotion men feel allowed to show, how language like "toxic masculinity" can shape the way boys see themselves, and why he believes emotionally healthier men make life safer for everyone. Warm, funny and full of hope, it's also a conversation about creativity in everyday life and Darragh's belief that the meaning of life is found in the people we share it with.

🔑 Key Points

Grief can arrive as numbness, not sadness

After losing his friend Irby at seventeen, Darragh didn't feel constant sadness but a flatness he didn't recognise as depression for years.

Survivor's guilt can quietly sabotage a life

He describes an unconscious sense that he wasn't allowed to be happy, which led him to undo good things whenever they started going well.

Writing became a way back to feeling

Journaling suggested by his therapist turned naturally into poetry, helping him name emotions he otherwise couldn't reach.

Anger is often the only emotion men feel permitted

Darragh argues that sadness, rejection and disappointment frequently come out as anger because men aren't given other outlets.

Language shapes how boys see themselves

Hearing "toxic" almost always paired with "masculinity" can lead young men to believe masculinity itself is something bad.

A lighthouse, not a lifeboat

Rather than trying to rescue everyone, Darragh sees his public work as showing people a way through and reminding them they're not alone.

Success can arrive at the right time

He reflects on being glad his career didn't take off in his twenties, when he wouldn't have been ready to carry it.

📚 Resources

Thoughts Too Big — Darragh's long-running mental health blog

If I Ever Have Boys — Darragh Fleming

If I Ever Have Girls — Darragh Fleming

Waiting for the Good Guys — Darragh Fleming

The Hole — Darragh Fleming, a poem on depression and coping

Dangerous Men — Lucas Jones, the poem Darragh's "If I Ever Have Boys" responded to

Mental health support — Samaritans, freephone 116 123; Pieta, freephone 1800 247 247 or text 51444

⏱️ Timestamps

00:00 — "My Dad Could Beat Up Your Dad" (cold open)

01:13 — Welcome and introduction

05:40 — Going viral with "If I Ever Have Boys"

14:53 — Why he started writing

17:31 — Losing Irby at seventeen

18:42 — The numbness he didn't know was depression

21:45 — The panic attack, therapy and journaling

33:35 — A lighthouse, not a lifeboat

35:23 — Masculinity, the manosphere and raising sons

42:42 — Language, mental illness and "toxic masculinity"

50:30 — "A Snake Named Snake" and his dad

01:01:36 — Darragh reads "My Dad Could Beat Up Your Dad"

01:03:09 — Advice for young people and the meaning of life

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