303. The Science of Getting Past Small Talk (And What To Share on Dates) w/ Vanessa Bohns

What if the secret to better dates isn’t saying the “right” thing, but worrying less about how you’re coming across and getting more curious about the person in front of you? In this episode, I’m talking with experimental social psychologist and author Vanessa Bohns about the science of what we say, what we hold back, and how other people actually respond to us.

Vanessa breaks down why we often underestimate how much people like us, why vulnerability tends to go over better than we expect, and how asking the right kinds of questions can create more intimacy without making a date feel like an interview.

We’re getting into how to...

• Decide when to share something vulnerable or sensitive in early dating
• Tell the difference between healthy vulnerability and trauma dumping
• Figure out why you feel the urge to disclose something
• Talk about your accomplishments without sounding like you’re bragging
• Understand the “liking gap” and why your dates may like you more than you think
• Ask questions that actually build connection instead of slipping into interview mode
• Use follow-up questions to naturally get into deeper conversations
• Handle dates where you’re doing all the asking and they aren’t asking anything back
• Decide whether you should give someone feedback after a date
• Be honest without saying something unnecessarily hurtful
• Stop focusing so much on impressing someone and start paying attention to whether you actually like them

Plus, Vanessa and I answer a dating dilemma from a listener who is four dates in with someone she likes and wondering whether she should proactively tell him she’s still dating other people.

MENTIONED

Vanessa's book: Should I Say Something?: The Science of What to Share―and What to Keep to Yourself

Vanessa's Instagram

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