Willpower is the wrong tool

What happens when we get excited to look at pornography but that is contrary to who we want to be and outside of us being in integrity with ourselves.

15 Maalis 202118min

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8 Maalis 202114min

4 key skills that you can use to help your kids navigate pornography in their lives. https://zachspafford.securechkout.com/Membership (https://zachspafford.securechkout.com/Membership)

1 Maalis 202124min

Recently I was discussing a specific commitment with my client that his wife was expecting from him. One of the skills that I teach my clients is to bring their urge responses from a place of unconscious habit to a place of choice and planning. As my client was working through this with his spouse one of the things she asked was that he not look at pornography while she is in the house. He committed to that with her and immediately broke his word. His desire to be “good” for his wife was pretty strong and I think a lot of us do things like this. We commit to things because we want to, we think doing so will help our spouse feel better, and it doesn’t seem like a huge ask and we should be willing to do what we’ve been asked. This particular commitment is one that I think comes up pretty often as men and women work through their discussions about pornography in their lives. Seems simple, she says, Please don’t look at pornography while I’m in the house. Or please don’t look at pornography while the kids are in the house. Most men want to acquiesce to this request. We don’t even really want to be viewing pornography to manage our lives anyway, so why wouldn’t we say yes to this? For a lot of us, this boundary is hard and fast and should never move. So, let’s discuss it. There are a couple of things that you and your partner need to be clear about and understand when you make commitments. Is it realistic? Is it going to produce the results we want? Let’s start with that first question. Is it realistic to ask your spouse to never look at pornography in your home? From a statistical perspective, americans spend 70% of our time at home. This means that at home is the most likely place that pornography is being accessed. Darcy – a subtle way to Control his behavior - If the result you are looking for is to restrict pornography It is also a little scary to think he’ll be out, somewhere, looking at pornography. Which creates a possibility that he could have an interaction with police because he’s looking at porn in public and create some additional issues. Darcy – telling him to take his biggest struggle out of the home Is it going to produce the results we want? Darcy – whats the result Many times this is a subtle way to reduce if the result you are looking for is to restrict pornography use, then I would say no – if it were that simple then this wouldn’t be a problem. I think a lot of people are looking to rebuild trust in their relationships and this seems like one of the things that seems like it should be easy enough to do and totally a good idea, but I think it creates a situation where failure is inevitable. The client I was working with was really struggling with this because he wanted to do what his wife was asking but also, basically knew that he was going to fail. One thing that his wife has said is more important than if he looks at pornography is if he is honest with her. This is a tough moment because it is clear that he can’t really be honest with her and commit to this requirement. So, it’s important for each of us to be clear on what we are committing to. For this client he needed have a candid conversation with his wife and tell her that this is not something that he can commit to at this point. This candid honest is really difficult for both parties. But it is essential because the intimacy that we want requires us to know our partner. When we know our partner and are able to hear their reality and can accept them as they are we create intimacy. So, is telling our partner that they aren’t allowed to...

22 Helmi 202125min

New lives begins at conception. * Nothing I’ve ever done in my life that has been worth it was an accident. * Yet so many of us believe that we can just fall into a life where pornography no longer has a hold on us. * One of the most important things that a man or woman who is using pornography to escape can do is just begin to think about what their life will be like without pornography. * This new conception of the life they want is a simple, impactful stepping stone to becoming that person. * Once that life begins to formulate in your mind, only then will you have the capacity to believe in it. * Belief in this new idea of who you are won’t be easy at first. * You’ll need to practice it, play with it in your mind, and work to integrate that belief in who you are into the subtle soul of your identity. * As you believe in you, believe in your new vision, the concept of a person who doesn’t spend their time viewing pornography, you’ll begin to start achieving it. * Many people make the mistake of thinking that achieving will lead to belief, but that is the wrong way around. * You know this if you’ve ever watched someone accomplish a dream that only they could understand and see. * Achievement comes after the idea is formed and the belief is solidified. * Start thinking today about what your life looks like when pornography is no longer part of it.

15 Helmi 202112min

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8 Helmi 202131min

Travel and pornography use Lots of you guys travel. This is a huge issue for pornography users. It is a great opportunity to start learning what is going on for you. Loneliness is probably the biggest issue I dealt with when I traveled for work. Boredom is another feeling travelers often try to avoid. Whatever negative feelings you are seeking to avoid through buffering, I want to give you 3 things that you can do to make your trip successful and pornography free. 1. Plan ahead a. Know your down time b. Create a schedule c. Create a back up plan for down time d. Plan for exercise e. Plan for positive eating f. Plan wholesome entertainment g. h. 2. Increase self awareness a. Create intimacy – reach out to friends, family and your spouse b. Don’t expect them to fill the void of bad feelings c. Be willing to feel bad d. Notice your feelings e. Notice the thoughts that create them f. Be willing to ask questions of those thoughts g. 3. Learn from your actions a. In our membership we Use something called learn something and move forward in b. Look back at the last time you went out of town. c. When did it hit you last time? and d. what could you do differently? e. What is the story that you tell yourself about when you go out of town? i. Is it that this is a time to escape and let loose? ii. Is it that you always fail? iii. Is it that you never win these battles? iv. Is it that you are going to have to fight and be strong and struggle? v. f. Decide on a different story g. Allow missteps to be opportunities to learn h. As we get older we think we

1 Helmi 202113min

This week in the membership one of my members was talking about the question that another member had asked during our previous session. The man I was coaching said, “when That guy asked that question, it was as if he had been reading my mind.” This is the amazingness that comes from being part of the membership. You get to hear the questions you didn’t even know how to ask, asked for you! This moment was when I decided that I needed to answer that question for you all, here on the podcast. As part of the coaching I do, often we talk about shame and how to manage and deal with it. The question we’re talking about was part of this discussion about minimizing shame in our lives. The question was, “what is a good way to not let myself feel so much shame when I act on my urges?” First off, let’s talk about why we feel shame. Knowing what shame is gives us the ammunition we need to actually end it. Shame is often contrasted with guilt. The thing about guilt is that it can be a powerful catalyst for change. Guilt is about learning that what you have done is not what you would like to have done, had you been able to. I’ve heard it said this way and this definition works for me. Guilt comes when I understand that what I’ve done is not right for me. Guilt comes when I’ve acted incorrectly, based on my own sense of right and wrong and according to my agency within the framework of truths I hold. As brene brown put it, guilt is I did something bad. Shame on the other hand, is not about a behavior, but about our sense of who we are. Shame comes when when I believe that what I’ve done makes me bad, irredeemable and unacceptable. Shame comes when I’ve acted contrary to my framework of truth knowing that I’m discarding my own sense of what is right and wrong and feel incapable of exercising my own agency. Again, going back to brene brown, Shame is, I am bad. So “What is a good way to not let myself feel so much shame when I act on my urges?” Here are 3 things that you need to do to eliminate shame when you have acted on urges that don’t fit your idea of who you want to be. First, you need to decide that this is an opportunity to learn Learn something move forward. Second thing you’ll need to eliminate shame when you’ve acted on your urges is talk to someone you trust. - Create intimacy - Practice openness. - Third thing, understand that you are enough. - Atonement - Each of these things will help you eliminate shame and understand that you are not bad. Hopefully they will serve to strengthen your capacity to exercise your agency, accept responsibility for your actions and shape the person you want to be.

25 Tammi 202120min