471: How to Say No Without Saying No, with Lois Frankel

Lois Frankel: Nice Girls Don’t Speak Up or Stand Out

Lois Frankel is the President of Corporate Coaching International, and is a bestselling author, executive coach, and an internationally-recognized expert in the field of leadership development for women. She has appeared on Larry King Live, The Tavis Smiley Show, The Today Show, and many other places to discuss her New York Times bestselling books, Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office*, Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich*, and Nice Girls Just Don’t Get It*.

She has served diverse clients such as The Walt Disney Company, Amgen, The World Bank, McKinsey & Company, Inc., Northrop Grumman, and many others. Her newest audiobook just released is titled Nice Girls Don’t Speak Up or Stand Out: How to Make Your Voice Heard, Your Point Known, and Your Presence Felt*.

In this conversation, Lois and I discuss why saying no is so important, key tactics in doing it with professionalism and grace, and some useful language we can leverage. We also explore why we end up saying yes to work that others don’t really care that much about and how we can be our own worst enemy on saying yes.

Key Points

In response to an invitation:

As much as I would love to attend, my calendar is already over-scheduled for that week.

In response to a statement that may have some truth to it but that won’t change your position:

Be that as it may, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m not able to provide you with a loan at this time.

In response to someone asking you to do something that actually benefits them more than you:

Thank you for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I am not able to take advantage of your kind offer.

In response to someone you care about and to whom who you genuinely wish you could say yes:

If I could I would. I really value our relationships and wish the situation was different.

In response to someone asking for yet another favor:

Although I’ve been able to help you out in the past, this time I just don’t have the bandwidth.

In response to a somewhat unreasonable request:

I’m sure you understand that I receive many similar requests and that I’m just not able to be of help at this time.

In response to someone who uses flattery to get you to accept their request:

I’m flattered and at the same time I’m not able to accept your gracious offer.

When you are genuinely sorry that you must decline:

I’m so sorry that this isn’t going to work out. I hope it might in the future.

Resources Mentioned

• Nice Girls Don’t Speak Up or Stand Out: How to Make Your Voice Heard, Your Point Known, and Your Presence Felt* by Lois Frankel

Related Episodes

• Unconscious Mistakes Women Make, with Lois Frankel (episode 386)
• Why Men Are Heard and Women Are Liked, with Lois Frankel and Tom Henschel (episode 392)
• How to Negotiate When Others Have Power, with Kwame Christian (episode 416)

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