#18: Another Failed Relationship? Here's Why!

To understand where a persons expectations come from, you have to understand their story. I often times find that a lot of people have unrealistic expectations:

1. I want him to make me happy.
2. I want someone who’s always there for me.
3. I want a best friend, lover, therapist, bank, mentor, partner, etc.
4. I want to always feel desired.
5. I don’t ever want to be bored in my relationship.

Although these things are great and to some degree, necessary to make a relationship work… to expect someone to fulfill all of these things, all at once, all at the same time is unrealistic. In fact, if these expectations seem normal to you and we were having a 1:1 session, I would ask you this:

1. When is the last time someone fulfilled those needs and met those expectations?
2. Do you have high expectations for yourself?
3. When is the last time you feel you truly succeeded in something?
4. When is the last time you felt truly happy in a relationship?

The reason I ask these questions is because unrealistic or unattainable expectations begin within yourself. Your own personal view of yourself and the standards you have created for yourself sets the bar. What’s the problem with that? You rarely achieve your own expectations because you are constantly moving the finish line or readjusting the bar. Therefore, you desensitize yourself to the feeling of achievement or success.

How is this processed? As a failure.

In my years of being a coach, I find that people who set the bar incredibly high fail to meet that standard or achieve their own personal goals, therefore, if someone else fails to meet those expectations as well… they are not alone in that failure. It’s a twisted form of validation that further reinforces their actions and doesn’t require them to challenge the narrative they have come to believe over the years. Their identity is protected, they are justified, and it’s an issue with the other person… not them.

So, if you have been on the receiving end of someone who expects too much from you, understand this: expectations that others place on you, if they are unattainable or unrealistic, they are projections of their own individual failures that they then place on you. Why? To not feel alone in their failure. If you also fail at meeting their expectations, they can justify for themselves why they have also failed.

I like to break it down to two types of expectations:

1. Fear Based Expectations
2. Confidence Based Expectations

We all experience heartbreak and disappointment at some point in our lives and depending on how we handle that experience, it results in us adopting defense mechanisms. You are probably thinking of the common defense mechanisms or the ones most people think of: aggression (verbal, emotional, or physical), avoidance (silent treatment, emotional disconnect, detachment), etc. A lot of people unknowingly create expectations and utilize them as a defense.

Chapters:

Intro

00:01

If you want to understand where expectations come from, you have to understand the story behind it

01:35

Important questions to ask yourself

0:3:30

The two types of expectations you should know

07:40

Stop masking your insecurities with confidence

10:30

Confidence based expectations lead to the healthiest relationships

12:55

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