212 SelfWork: Pros and Cons of People Pleasing

Wow. Sometimes when I pick a subject for SelfWork, I have to dig deep to find research that I can bring that will add clarity or give you what’s new out there on the subject. People pleasing? There are YouTube videos galore and all kinds of other resources. Most everyone agreed on how it starts - with an anxious/insecure attachment to a parent. We'll define what exactly a people pleaser is, and focus on some issues in therapy that are very specific to those who struggle with being uncomfortable not being the "giver" in the relationship.

The listener email today is fascinating. It's about growing up in a narcissistic family and being handed a role to play - the golden child, the scapegoat and the invisible child being the most common. Her healing began when she began to let go of that old dynamic – and she asks if growing up in a narcissist family might be correlated with perfectly hidden depression.

Important links:

SelfWork episode 062 on Enmeshment

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Amy Morin's Psychology Today article on signs you're a people pleaser

Amy Stoneson's article on her own blog on what makes a people pleaser

Healthline article on attachment style

How to stop being a people pleaser on Medium

Randi Fine's excellent article on roles of children in narcissistic families

Randi's wonderful podcast on anxiety! A Fine Time for Healing

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

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