Jetpacks Over LAX/Karate Moves In Church/Rejected Bee Headlines News Show 9.4.2020

This is The Babylon Bee News Show for the week of 9/4/2020.

This episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast is brought to you by Faithful Counseling.Go to faithfulcounseling.com/babylonbee and get 10% off your first month!

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's big stories like a mysterious man with a jetpack spooking airline pilots approaching LAX, people are being karate chopped in the throat at church now, and wild bears are becoming regular customers at a convenience store. Kyle and Ethan also talk about rejected Babylon Bee headlines that for one reason or another didn't make the cut. Also, Kyle and Ethan got turned into a cartoon and President Trump retweeted The Babylon Bee.

Introduction

Bee Fan Zander sent us an awesome animation of Kyle's origin story, where Kyle discovered he had super satirical powers, and we moved to a new office!

Stuff That's Good

Kyle: HOPE Coffee

Ethan: The Monster Engine

Weird News

Not The Bee has hit the ground running and will definitely be our go-to place for harvesting weird real news from now on .

• A lady got throat-chopped by another lady in a Catholic church service and I have so many questions (NTB)

• This weird looking sheep just sold for half a million (NTB)

• 3-year-old gets tangled in kite, literally goes flying 100 feet into the air

• 2 airline pilots report seeing "a guy in a jetpack" flying next to them above LAX

• Bears make repeated visits to California convenience store

• Two large pythons crash through man's kitchen ceiling

Stories of the Week

Large Turnout At Memorial For Hans Gruber Who Was Thrown From A Building By A Police Officer
Summary: A huge crowd turned out Sunday for the memorial service of a victim of extreme police violence, Hans Gruber. Gruber was thrown from the top floor of Nakatomi Plaza by New York police officer John McClane, which many consider one of the most excessive uses of force ever witnessed. McClane was not even in his jurisdiction at the time of the crime.

Biden: 'If You Thought The Republican Convention Was Good, Just Wait 'Til We Have Our Convention!'

Summary: Joe Biden conceded today that the Republican Convention was "alright," "pretty inspiring, to be honest," and "a real gas." But also said the Democratic Convention is going to be "even better" in a conversation with a department store mannequin. It was unclear how Biden got into the department store, as it's been out of business since 2013. Aides located him after they put out a Silver Alert and coaxed him into a windowless van by writing "FREE HAIR" on the side. They were then able to transport him safely back to the basement for storage until the election.

• Trump retweeted us

14 Mostly Accurate CNN Headlines From The Last 6,000 Years Of Human History

Summary: CNN has been there from the beginning, always running toward the important stories and absolutely never covering them up. We went through CNN's archives and dug up these 14 headlines they published while covering some of the most significant events of human history. They are truly a bastion of truth and honesty in journalism.

Topic of the Week

Babylon Bee Headlines We Never Published

Hate Mail

We encounter another Susan out in the wild.

Subscriber Portion

Kyle and Ethan lead subscribers on a tour our new office, talk about their plans for growth and where things have come, They also read some more of Ethan's and Kyle's very first headlines from the early days.

To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans.