105. and then he left: Jenifer Davis

Today we welcome Jenifer Davis onto the podcast. This is a deep and raw episode and Jenifer covers difficult ground in her story that she feels strongly about sharing. You will hear that there were so many layers of trauma and loss to this story. Here are Jenifer's words: On May 30, 2017 at approximately 12 noon, I lost my husband to suicide. I was in the office in our house when he went out into his workshop in the garage and shot himself with a shotgun. We had been married for almost 35 years and a couple for almost 36 years – but I knew him for 42 years. He was the love of my life and even though our marriage was not always easy, both of us plagued by our troubled childhoods, he was my person. We weathered so much over the years, but we had 3 grown children, they were doing well in our lives – we had a home and stability. All of that ended when he was laid off from his job (the first time he had ever been laid off). What should have been a blessing ended up being a nightmare. Now, with the clarity of hindsight, everything makes so much sense. The story has so many layers. But in 16 months what happened is this: He lost his job – he pushed me to transfer to Arizona where I could work for my company and we could buy a house for less money so the pressure for him to find more work wouldn’t be there. Because when you are an alcoholic, you think that things will get better if you change your environment. But you can move a 1000 miles away and you are still the same person. I was grieving – I didn’t want to leave at that time but I did so he could feel better. We moved here 11 months after he was laid off. Two months after that I was fired from my job – Arizona is a Right to Work (no unions or unionize by choice/vote) and because I was over 50 and made over 100K a year they found a loophole and there was nothing I could do about it. So now we were in a strange state and neither of us had a job. His suicide was an impulsive act; carried out impaired by alcohol. I never in a million years would have believed he would have done this. I tried to do everything I could to make him happy – he couldn’t overcome his anger at his childhood and he couldn’t articulate it (at least to me) – and he couldn’t be grateful for the blessings we did have. What I really was unaware of was how he lived with anxiety and depression and only masked it. He did a pretty good job of it until the last 10 years of his life. There are so many unanswered questions with a suicide – and they will never be answered. I can guess (and I am pretty sure I am close, if not 100% accurate). I am supposed to pick up the pieces of my life and figure out what in the hell I am supposed to do after all of this time? My children were grown, my job was taken from me, my home where my support infrastructure was, and my husband – all gone. I knew I was supposed to be married to him and I was his safe harbor – he was not always my safe harbor. I had to be strong, I had to figure out how to do things for our family and I often had to do them alone – sometimes I felt like I had four kids. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to take care of them all; mothering is what I love to do – but I dearly longed for appreciation. He would give me just enough to keep me around. But I love him dearly regardless of all of the pain and sorrow – there were beautiful times – and I have his 3 children. I want to help widows/widowers – I want there to be a place or something for them to come to for help because I didn’t have that – I have some ideas but because my brain scatters. I haven’t done anything yet, but the idea is there. You can find me on Instagram @jeniferbrd7761 Please follow The Death Dialogues Project and learn more about this project at www.deathdialogues.net where you will find links to podcast platforms and our social media. Instagram is our fave social media home @deathdialoguesproject