Love Without Losing Yourself: Why Differentiation Matters

When you get married, it’s easy to become consumed in the togetherness of it all. But can too much togetherness be a bad thing? What about too much individuality?

If your path to “becoming one” has felt a lot like losing two selves, this episode is for you.

Robert and Sharla experienced this early on in their own relationship. Their past experiences shaped their patterns in marriage, and between abandonment issues and subconscious manipulation, they were doing more harm to their relationship than good. They were counting on each other heavily to validate their individual self.

But they were losing themselves in the process. And not taking any ownership for it. Putting so much pressure on the perfection of the other to make up the difference.

And that’s where differentiation comes into play. What is differentiation?

The short answer is that it’s the ability to balance attachment and autonomy. Becoming responsible for your part in the equation.

Tune in to find out why well-differentiated couples don't need to control each other and how it can have a positive impact on intimacy, sex, and conflict resolution.

“Most of us marry and subconsciously hope that we are locked into this validation system. Someone to give us all the validation that we ever wanted. To continue propping us up [...] to make us feel worthy, smart, and good about ourselves. Giving us this positive reflected sense of self.” - Robert

“But, it's not real. It’s a borrowed sense of self. And that makes it fleeting, that makes it fragile.” - Sharla

In this Episode:

• How your Coping Strategies might be affecting your marriage
• Are you lacking emotional and psychological maturity?
• What is differentiation and why does it matter?
• Developing a Strong Sense of Self
• Borrowed Functioning: Are you dependent on external validation?
• What does it look like to be a well-differentiated individual?
• Debunking Misconceptions about Differentiation
• The Paradox of Control
• Benefits of Differentiation

And so much more!

Resources Mentioned:

• Book: Intimacy and Desire by Dr. David Schnarch https://www.amazon.com/Intimacy-Desire-Awaken-Passion-Relationship/dp/0825305675

MYM Resources:

• 8 Pillars Of An Exceptional Marriage - ​​https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/8-pillars

Connect with Robert and Sharla Snow:

• Website: https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/
• Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage/
• Facebook - https://facebook.com/masteryourmarriage
• TikTok - https://www.tiktok.com/@masteryourmarriage