Autism and Intentional Living: Communicating and Connecting

Do you want to live with more intention to achieve your goals? In this 4th episode in a series on Intentional Living, Dr. Regan identifies ways to use communication to create connection and help you achieve the life goals you aim for.

Resources mentioned in the podcast:

Talking About Autism podcast series

The Science of Making Friends: book

Better Small Talk: book

Crucial Conversations: book

Dr. Regan's Resources

Book: Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults, 2nd ed

Audiobook

Book: Understanding Autistic Behaviors

Autism in the Adult website homepage

Website Resources for Clinicians

Read the transcript here:

1 00:00:03,809 --> 00:00:04,659 Hi there.

2 00:00:04,670 --> 00:00:06,679 This is Doctor Theresa Regan.

3 00:00:06,969 --> 00:00:11,510 I'm joining you for an episode of autism in the Adult podcast.

4 00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:13,619 I'm a neuropsychologist,

5 00:00:13,859 --> 00:00:19,120 the founder and director of an autism diagnostic clinic in Central Illinois.

6 00:00:19,290 --> 00:00:21,959 And I'm the parent of a teen on the spectrum.

7 00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:27,440 Did you know that I did a podcast series on talking about autism?

8 00:00:27,659 --> 00:00:30,420 This was in February of 2022.

9 00:00:30,559 --> 00:00:43,909 It had three episodes where I covered things like how to talk to other people about your journey to seek a diagnostic evaluation or how to tell people that you've received a new diagnosis of autism.

10 00:00:44,340 --> 00:00:53,270 We cover topics about how to process and navigate the emotions of other people during conversations about autism.

11 00:00:53,909 --> 00:01:01,279 And we also reviewed how to talk to someone that you are familiar with --someone in your family,

12 00:01:01,290 --> 00:01:05,739 someone that you know -- about the possibility that they are on the spectrum.

13 00:01:06,089 --> 00:01:08,930 Maybe they haven't thought about it that way,

14 00:01:08,940 --> 00:01:12,319 but you recognize some characteristics in them.

15 00:01:13,010 --> 00:01:18,069 I'm going to put a link to this series talking about autism in the show notes.

16 00:01:18,599 --> 00:01:26,940 But today you are joining me for episode number four in a series about intentional living on the autism spectrum,

17 00:01:28,309 --> 00:01:33,629 we all get into rhythms and routines that have a life of their own.

18 00:01:33,900 --> 00:01:36,000 Sometimes our schedules,

19 00:01:36,010 --> 00:01:37,540 what we typically do,

20 00:01:37,550 --> 00:01:41,440 what we don't do... things that crop up in our lives.

21 00:01:41,449 --> 00:01:56,860 They catch us up in their momentum and sometimes it's just nice to pause and to step back and really see if the life that we're living lines up with where we'd like to be in the future.

22 00:01:57,389 --> 00:02:01,150 Are we choosing this life?

23 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:07,860 Are we being swept away without really pausing to make some choices and decisions?

24 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:14,639 And certainly we can't have the final say in everything that our life entails.

25 00:02:14,649 --> 00:02:22,020 But we really will be able to capture more of our dreams and visions for the future

26 00:02:22,029 --> 00:02:27,259 if we pause and make choices that line up with those...

27 00:02:27,690 --> 00:02:29,339 those goals that we have.

28 00:02:31,770 --> 00:02:38,740 This need to pause and reevaluate our intentions and choices is a universal human need.

29 00:02:39,470 --> 00:02:49,300 But we're spending some time talking about this in the context of autism because sometimes the individual on the spectrum will struggle more with this,

30 00:02:49,750 --> 00:03:03,759 possibly because they have difficulty switching gears from the typical routine or maybe this individual has problems finding the energy or the momentum to get going with something new.

31 00:03:04,820 --> 00:03:12,910 This person may feel like it's challenging to get out of the hyper focus of the moment and to try to think long term.

32 00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:16,889 So in the first episode for this series,

33 00:03:16,899 --> 00:03:25,009 we talked about how to get to the point where you can actually choose a goal that is difficult in itself.

34 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:35,020 We outlined several life categories that you could analyze to see if you would like to think of a goal in these categories.

35 00:03:35,940 --> 00:03:36,190 Now,

36 00:03:36,199 --> 00:03:41,110 the second episode was about how to make specific goals within a category.

37 00:03:41,990 --> 00:03:50,080 So we want the goal to help us shift from our current place and leave the boundaries of our comfort zone.

38 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:58,820 But we don't want it to be overwhelming or self defeating because we picked a goal that's just too difficult,

39 00:03:58,830 --> 00:03:59,720 too big...

41 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,059 feels insurmountable.

42 00:04:03,929 --> 00:04:16,660 The third episode in this series about living with intention had to do with strategies to reach goals within the area of health and wellness specifically with regulation.

43 00:04:17,278 --> 00:04:25,069 And this is often a good place to start in our lives when we're trying to grow and challenge ourselves.

44 00:04:25,079 --> 00:04:29,028 Because if we're setting goals,

45 00:04:29,199 --> 00:04:34,989 this is really us setting a goal to do difficult things.

46 00:04:35,290 --> 00:04:39,399 And if we're not regulated when we start these goals,

47 00:04:39,410 --> 00:04:41,750 if we're not feeling grounded,

48 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:42,859 centered,

49 00:04:42,869 --> 00:04:45,609 calm and psychologically present,

50 00:04:45,750 --> 00:04:47,880 attentive and rested,

52 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:56,290 it's really difficult to leave our comfort zone in any other area to really have intentional living.

53 00:04:56,619 --> 00:05:04,480 So it is often nice to make sure that we're really well regulated before we jump into any other goals.

54 00:05:05,790 --> 00:05:16,679 So now today you are listening to the fourth episode and we're going to focus on intentional living within communication and relationships.

55 00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:21,399 And you may be asking why do I need to have social goals?

56 00:05:21,570 --> 00:05:22,010 Well,

57 00:05:22,019 --> 00:05:22,950 you don't,

58 00:05:23,149 --> 00:05:30,350 your communication and your social network don't have to match any particular template that others use.

59 00:05:30,420 --> 00:05:32,489 But at the same time,

60 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:35,619 if you have a vision for your future,

61 00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:44,089 you may need to grow in certain areas of communication or connection so that you can meet the goals that you do have.

62 00:05:45,309 --> 00:05:46,640 For example,

63 00:05:46,649 --> 00:05:52,359 one person may want to become a history teacher because they love history.

64 00:05:52,959 --> 00:05:54,299 That is a great goal.

65 00:05:54,309 --> 00:05:59,600 It's a way of sharing your love of a topic with other people.

66 00:06:00,269 --> 00:06:04,579 But you'll also need to have some skills for communication,

67 00:06:04,589 --> 00:06:08,549 updates with your work team and with your students and families.

68 00:06:08,579 --> 00:06:11,079 Maybe about projects or grades,

69 00:06:11,350 --> 00:06:18,500 you'll have to have communication skills to interact with people who are really upset with you or disagree with you.

70 00:06:19,329 --> 00:06:26,329 Maybe you'll be put in charge of a major project for the school and you'll have to present on the topic.

71 00:06:27,269 --> 00:06:29,600 If you already have these skills,

72 00:06:29,609 --> 00:06:30,709 that's super,

73 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:32,869 you don't need to grow in this area.

74 00:06:33,239 --> 00:06:43,220 But if you don't focusing on this area of growth may help you in the future as you take your path toward your ultimate goals.

75 00:06:44,989 --> 00:06:55,670 Another example would be someone who's just retired and maybe they're finding it difficult to connect or get along with their partner now that they're both at home a lot.

76 00:06:56,190 --> 00:07:01,600 So perhaps this person has a goal to connect in a more effective way.

77 00:07:01,709 --> 00:07:09,320 She may have a goal for communication and connecting in the home with this new life season of retirement.

78 00:07:11,369 --> 00:07:12,309 In contrast,

79 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:15,920 you may be someone who's all set in this area.

80 00:07:16,170 --> 00:07:17,190 But in the future,

81 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:26,429 you may want to have some things tucked away for different tasks or goals that crop up along the way this episode may be for you.

82 00:07:27,339 --> 00:07:39,309 So let's focus on three things to keep in mind that may help you reach a goal for more effective communication and connection in a particular area of your life.

83 00:07:40,220 --> 00:07:41,350 And let's face it,

84 00:07:41,359 --> 00:07:46,690 you are probably already super good at communicating about topics,

85 00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:47,929 facts,

86 00:07:47,940 --> 00:07:49,149 details,

87 00:07:49,380 --> 00:07:58,790 things like teaching about history or telling your partner that we're out of milk and somebody's got to get this supply at the store.

88 00:07:59,600 --> 00:07:59,910 Well,

89 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:07,660 the trickier area of communication more often shows up when we're in an interaction and we start thinking,

90 00:08:07,670 --> 00:08:08,250 wow,

91 00:08:08,260 --> 00:08:10,339 what just happened here?

92 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:16,299 What did this person react to in this conversation?

93 00:08:16,309 --> 00:08:18,799 I'm not even sure where they're coming from.

94 00:08:18,970 --> 00:08:21,399 I don't know what this person wants from me.

95 00:08:22,059 --> 00:08:23,109 After all,

96 00:08:23,119 --> 00:08:25,549 I was right about what I said.

97 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:29,429 So why all this emotion or all this up and down?

98 00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:36,469 Let's look at a few areas of focus that can balance out that connection piece.

99 00:08:36,989 --> 00:08:38,070 First of all,

100 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:42,669 I want to introduce and bring more into your awareness,

101 00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:45,349 this focus on the other.

102 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:49,210 So when you are communicating with someone,

103 00:08:49,219 --> 00:08:51,409 whether that is a history teacher,

104 00:08:51,419 --> 00:08:55,380 talking to a parent or a woman who's just retired,

105 00:08:55,390 --> 00:08:56,710 talking to her partner.

106 00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:05,799 There is a difference between communication that's factually correct and communication that is effective.

107 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,309 It helps to be correct.

108 00:09:10,020 --> 00:09:13,549 But we also want communication that's more than correct.

109 00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:15,630 We want it to be productive,

110 00:09:15,739 --> 00:09:16,489 helpful,

111 00:09:16,500 --> 00:09:18,710 valuable and fruitful.

112 00:09:19,380 --> 00:09:21,880 So remember what your goals are,

113 00:09:22,369 --> 00:09:36,729 is your goal to strengthen your relationship with your partner? is your goal to be a history teacher? ...and all these other goals you might have where communication and connection are important to meet that goal.

114 00:09:37,030 --> 00:09:52,440 One way to improve the effectiveness of our communication is to be able to pause during an interaction and focus on the other person rather than on the topic.

115 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,710 And sometimes to be honest,

116 00:09:56,559 --> 00:10:03,530 this whole interaction happens and we never pause and we're a bit surprised and taken aback.

117 00:10:03,710 --> 00:10:08,690 And we process things after that's OK too.

118 00:10:09,489 --> 00:10:16,400 The goal eventually will be able to pause and process a bit during the interaction to adjust.

119 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:22,270 But we may start by analyzing and thinking through things after the fact,

120 00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:26,580 focus on the other person.

121 00:10:26,590 --> 00:10:32,859 So ask yourself things like what does this person need from me right now?

122 00:10:33,369 --> 00:10:37,549 Other than being correct about the facts,

123 00:10:37,559 --> 00:10:38,150 I'm saying,

124 00:10:38,159 --> 00:10:44,359 what do they need from me in the social conversation?

125 00:10:46,299 --> 00:11:04,739 Maybe they need to feel heard or they need you to understand how difficult their day has been or they need you to know and really recognize their contribution to the team even though you've decided to take the work project in another direction.

126 00:11:05,359 --> 00:11:05,830 Now,

127 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:11,169 these kinds of wonderings and kind of exploring these questions,

128 00:11:11,179 --> 00:11:17,400 this could be something that we do in a counseling or therapy session really in depth,

129 00:11:17,409 --> 00:11:17,979 right?

130 00:11:18,250 --> 00:11:24,849 So if you are trying to um process your relationship with your partner,

131 00:11:24,979 --> 00:11:29,270 maybe you process interactions with a therapist.

132 00:11:29,719 --> 00:11:38,489 But there are also probably a few things to say during these interactions that might help um you focus on the other,

133 00:11:38,669 --> 00:11:40,450 the other person's needs.

134 00:11:41,150 --> 00:11:43,260 So you could say things like,

135 00:11:43,510 --> 00:11:51,989 tell me more about how you're doing and what I can do to help? if somebody has come up to you and they're upset,

136 00:11:52,010 --> 00:11:53,450 they're emotional,

137 00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:56,630 they're in really a confrontational moment.

138 00:11:57,479 --> 00:12:05,929 -- Letting them know that you'd like to know how they're doing and what you can do to help ... can be a connecting moment.

139 00:12:07,650 --> 00:12:14,340 What do you want me to know that you feel like I don't understand about what your experience is.

140 00:12:15,489 --> 00:12:18,020 What are your needs in this situation?

141 00:12:18,030 --> 00:12:25,270 Tell me what you need... or I really value you and I do want to be part of the solution,

142 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:26,530 not the problem.

143 00:12:28,989 --> 00:12:32,109 Do you need to say these specific words?

144 00:12:32,169 --> 00:12:32,840 No,

145 00:12:33,109 --> 00:12:40,169 it's important to make them your own and to match them to the person that you're talking to in the context.

146 00:12:40,179 --> 00:12:54,169 But the sentiment is there that you want good things to come out of this conversation that you want to know where they're coming from and what you can do um to advance things,

147 00:12:54,179 --> 00:12:54,849 support them,

148 00:12:54,859 --> 00:12:56,070 make things better.

149 00:12:58,150 --> 00:13:05,010 The basic idea is to pause and to ask for input about what they need in this situation.

150 00:13:05,380 --> 00:13:09,359 And it doesn't mean you have to change your opinion or your decisions.

151 00:13:09,369 --> 00:13:16,159 But in the midst of factual things like projects and chores making plans,

152 00:13:16,169 --> 00:13:23,619 there's still value that is found in recognizing the needs of the other during these interactions.

153 00:13:24,030 --> 00:13:31,809 And that can help bridge the gap from conversation that is factual to conversation,

154 00:13:31,820 --> 00:13:33,460 that is effective.

155 00:13:33,909 --> 00:13:36,419 The second thing I'd like you to keep in mind.

156 00:13:36,429 --> 00:13:45,219 And this is also a way of focusing on connecting with the other is the use of compliments and gratitude.

157 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:55,640 This is another way that we can attend to the person and set the stage for the communication and the relationship.

158 00:13:56,309 --> 00:14:00,119 So some would say this person's only doing their job,

159 00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:03,520 why do I have to compliment them or thank them?

160 00:14:03,830 --> 00:14:05,400 I don't need that.

161 00:14:05,460 --> 00:14:06,460 I don't want that.

162 00:14:06,469 --> 00:14:07,859 I don't even like that.

163 00:14:09,039 --> 00:14:17,140 But this is a relatively easy thing that helps attend to what the other person needs even if you don't need it.

164 00:14:17,489 --> 00:14:22,489 So it sets the stage for people to understand how you view them.

165 00:14:23,099 --> 00:14:26,729 And when difficult things do happen in the relationship,

166 00:14:26,750 --> 00:14:33,030 the way that we interpret those may have to do with how this stage has been set in the past.

167 00:14:33,179 --> 00:14:34,150 For example,

168 00:14:34,159 --> 00:14:40,770 if is this a person who really knows for multiple examples in the past that you value them.

169 00:14:41,070 --> 00:14:45,000 And therefore this glitch in communication or this disagreement,

170 00:14:45,289 --> 00:14:46,669 it's tough,

171 00:14:47,150 --> 00:14:50,669 maybe it's unpleasant but it's not monumental.

172 00:14:51,500 --> 00:14:56,039 Or is this someone who really doesn't know that you value them?

173 00:14:56,049 --> 00:15:00,760 And therefore every communication glitch is really a big deal.

174 00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:04,580 So compliments and gratitude set the stage.

175 00:15:04,590 --> 00:15:07,260 This is how I think about you.

176 00:15:07,270 --> 00:15:09,419 This is how I think about our team.

177 00:15:09,479 --> 00:15:10,080 Again,

178 00:15:10,090 --> 00:15:11,140 I see you,

179 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:16,099 I value you and it doesn't have to be mushy and emotional.

180 00:15:16,109 --> 00:15:18,840 It should fit the context and the person.

181 00:15:19,070 --> 00:15:19,789 But again,

182 00:15:19,799 --> 00:15:28,119 just a very uh brief uh effective way of adding to that connection during communication.

183 00:15:29,119 --> 00:15:32,179 Let's talk about two levels of compliment.

184 00:15:32,419 --> 00:15:40,890 One is a compliment about a skill or achievement and one is a compliment about a personal attribute.

185 00:15:41,530 --> 00:15:44,820 So the second one is really a higher level.

186 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:52,830 Um and it gives a stronger message that I see you and I value you,

187 00:15:52,900 --> 00:15:56,789 not only do I see your product and I appreciate the product,

188 00:15:56,799 --> 00:16:00,590 but I see the person that produced that and,

189 00:16:00,599 --> 00:16:03,210 and I value your contribution.

190 00:16:04,179 --> 00:16:04,440 Now,

191 00:16:04,450 --> 00:16:11,880 they're both powerful and you can choose the type that you use based on how well you know the person,

192 00:16:11,890 --> 00:16:17,549 what your goal is in that social interaction and what else is happening in the context.

193 00:16:18,559 --> 00:16:19,530 For example,

194 00:16:19,539 --> 00:16:26,830 a partner who's trying to improve his relationship with his spouse could either say this is a delicious dinner.

195 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:33,270 It's great to come home after all these pressured meetings to a really pleasant meal.

196 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,549 And I thank you so much for fixing it.

197 00:16:36,700 --> 00:16:47,549 That would be a really nice way to set the relationship stage that you see the work that went into this and you've enjoyed the meal and you're grateful.

198 00:16:48,489 --> 00:16:48,900 Now,

199 00:16:48,909 --> 00:16:53,099 if it's a partner use this next level of compliment,

200 00:16:53,559 --> 00:17:04,060 he may have said you are such a great cook and you seem to know just what would help me unwind from a long and pressured day at work.

201 00:17:04,069 --> 00:17:06,140 I so appreciate that about you.

202 00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:14,420 Compliments and thank yous this gratitude and acknowledgement of the other,

203 00:17:14,739 --> 00:17:17,199 what they've brought the skill sets,

204 00:17:17,209 --> 00:17:19,609 they have individual attributes.

205 00:17:19,930 --> 00:17:27,670 This can all help set the stage for a relationship that the other person feels safe and happy with.

206 00:17:32,109 --> 00:17:36,300 The third way of adding to this communication,

207 00:17:36,310 --> 00:17:49,010 that's not only factual but also effective is to think about to identify and discuss topics and life events that are important to the other person,

208 00:17:49,290 --> 00:17:51,800 even when they are not important to you,

209 00:17:51,810 --> 00:17:54,119 you really honestly don't care about them.

210 00:17:55,420 --> 00:17:56,170 But again,

211 00:17:56,180 --> 00:17:59,310 we're looking for communication that's effective.

212 00:17:59,349 --> 00:18:11,849 And you're choosing those moments when you are really working toward your longer term goals that I do want to have a better work team relationship.

213 00:18:11,859 --> 00:18:16,250 I do want to be able to be an effective teacher.

214 00:18:16,569 --> 00:18:29,770 So listen for things that are important to the other person and this might be things about their family it's good to know with people that you see or work with on a regular basis.

215 00:18:29,780 --> 00:18:31,449 What's their partner's name?

216 00:18:31,459 --> 00:18:32,829 What are their kids' names?

217 00:18:32,839 --> 00:18:35,770 What family are they interacting with?

218 00:18:35,780 --> 00:18:37,280 Who do they live with?

219 00:18:37,420 --> 00:18:41,880 Maybe they're talking about taking their son to his soccer tournament this weekend.

220 00:18:43,329 --> 00:18:47,650 This may be topics that they're passionate about but you are not.

221 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:55,550 Maybe they love sci-fi movies or quilting might even be milestones in their life.

222 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:59,459 It could be that they've had a birthday recently or a marriage anniversary.

223 00:18:59,910 --> 00:19:04,699 Maybe they've moved into a new apartment or purchased their first home.

224 00:19:05,670 --> 00:19:08,849 Even though these things are not important to you,

225 00:19:09,140 --> 00:19:18,819 they are important to the other and connecting in a more effective way with this person is part of your intentional life choice.

226 00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:27,630 You may consider making an effort to interact with this person once a week or once a month just to ask about things that are important to them.

227 00:19:28,849 --> 00:19:34,180 You don't have to know about the topic in order to bring it up in conversation.

228 00:19:34,329 --> 00:19:35,579 So people will say,

229 00:19:35,589 --> 00:19:36,119 well,

230 00:19:36,150 --> 00:19:39,599 not only do I not know about sci-fi movies,

231 00:19:39,609 --> 00:19:44,859 but I'm really not at all interested and I don't know what I would say.

232 00:19:45,969 --> 00:19:47,300 Um That's ok,

233 00:19:47,829 --> 00:19:49,219 this is about them.

234 00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:54,540 The goal is not to add content and correct factual information.

235 00:19:54,550 --> 00:20:03,560 The goal is to connect effectively and to set the stage of connection and you can do that without any factual knowledge.

236 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:08,869 So you could say I don't know much about that topic.

237 00:20:09,329 --> 00:20:09,349 Uh,

238 00:20:09,359 --> 00:20:11,550 what do you like most about it?

239 00:20:11,729 --> 00:20:13,750 What first got you interested in,

240 00:20:14,270 --> 00:20:15,489 in that area?

241 00:20:16,180 --> 00:20:18,310 What's coming up related to that topic?

242 00:20:18,319 --> 00:20:18,410 So,

243 00:20:18,420 --> 00:20:22,829 let's say this is the sci-fi lover and you might say,

244 00:20:22,839 --> 00:20:23,369 hey,

245 00:20:23,510 --> 00:20:26,630 any big movies coming up that you're gonna go see.

246 00:20:27,290 --> 00:20:28,660 I'm not,

247 00:20:28,670 --> 00:20:28,920 um,

248 00:20:28,930 --> 00:20:30,920 up on what's at the movie theater.

249 00:20:31,260 --> 00:20:31,579 Um,

250 00:20:31,589 --> 00:20:42,010 so then this invites them to talk about their favorite topic And then later you could ask them how the movie was or someone who has,

251 00:20:42,020 --> 00:20:42,319 um,

252 00:20:42,329 --> 00:20:52,209 a real love for fish tanks and fish and little um villages in the fish tank that they build.

253 00:20:52,219 --> 00:20:53,170 Um You could say,

254 00:20:53,180 --> 00:20:53,420 hey,

255 00:20:53,430 --> 00:20:55,920 any new fish in your fish tank lately,

256 00:20:55,930 --> 00:20:57,229 what if you got that's new?

257 00:20:57,239 --> 00:20:58,510 Do you have a picture?

258 00:20:59,290 --> 00:21:04,520 So the purpose is not to contribute to a topic.

259 00:21:04,530 --> 00:21:06,969 The purpose is not to be correct.

260 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,329 The purpose is to say,

261 00:21:09,339 --> 00:21:09,739 hey,

262 00:21:09,750 --> 00:21:10,500 I see you.

263 00:21:10,510 --> 00:21:11,500 I hear you.

264 00:21:11,839 --> 00:21:16,969 Um And I'm really acknowledging what's important to you.

265 00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:18,319 You could say,

266 00:21:18,329 --> 00:21:18,540 hey,

267 00:21:18,550 --> 00:21:21,260 how did the move to your new apartment go this weekend?

268 00:21:21,270 --> 00:21:22,959 Did you get hit with the rain?

269 00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:28,770 You can acknowledge what a big job it is to move and say,

270 00:21:28,780 --> 00:21:29,140 hey,

271 00:21:29,150 --> 00:21:31,209 I hope you feel settled in soon.

272 00:21:31,859 --> 00:21:33,250 You could say,

273 00:21:33,260 --> 00:21:35,650 how did your son's soccer tournament go?

274 00:21:35,969 --> 00:21:37,550 Did he feel good about it?

275 00:21:38,199 --> 00:21:41,689 Did you get to visit any interesting places or?

276 00:21:41,699 --> 00:21:44,109 I'm so glad you guys have that opportunity.

277 00:21:44,219 --> 00:21:45,790 What a big commitment that is,

278 00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:56,670 but I'm sure you'll have lots of great memories and perhaps you set a goal where you're going to ask someone on your work team,

279 00:21:56,680 --> 00:22:04,550 a follow up question once a week or three times a week and you're gonna rotate people.

280 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:16,810 This is a way to make the goal real and to keep that intentionality in mind while working toward the goals that you do have.

281 00:22:17,229 --> 00:22:17,579 Now,

282 00:22:17,589 --> 00:22:22,260 there is so much we could cover about communicating and connecting.

283 00:22:22,599 --> 00:22:29,119 But hopefully this episode gives you some concrete things to use today in your relationships.

284 00:22:29,380 --> 00:22:36,319 We've reviewed the importance of pausing during an interaction to think about or ask the person what they need.

285 00:22:36,790 --> 00:22:45,790 We reviewed types of compliments and ways of expressing gratitude and how these can set the stage for helping with future interactions.

286 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:57,229 And we reviewed that acknowledging what topics and life events are important to the other person can also really increase the value and fruitfulness of an interaction.

287 00:22:58,829 --> 00:23:03,979 If you want to dive deeper into communication and connection topics,

288 00:23:04,199 --> 00:23:06,560 there are great resources out there.

289 00:23:07,050 --> 00:23:07,420 Now,

290 00:23:07,430 --> 00:23:11,130 I don't have any financial interest in any of these products.

291 00:23:11,170 --> 00:23:16,859 I'm just offering some ideas of things that have helped or helped my clients in the past.

292 00:23:17,619 --> 00:23:25,219 I've linked some of my favorites in the show notes and one is a great book called The Science of Making Friends,

293 00:23:25,250 --> 00:23:30,760 which highlights strategies from the peers program that's out of U C L A.

294 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:34,910 And there are chapters on finding and choosing good friends,

295 00:23:35,339 --> 00:23:37,579 elements of good conversations,

296 00:23:37,949 --> 00:23:39,680 dealing with arguments,

297 00:23:39,689 --> 00:23:41,290 handling and addressing,

298 00:23:41,300 --> 00:23:43,569 teasing and cyberbullying,

299 00:23:43,890 --> 00:23:48,239 minimizing rumors and gossip and changing a bad reputation.

300 00:23:48,589 --> 00:23:48,959 Now,

301 00:23:48,969 --> 00:23:53,699 this is a book that's focused on an audience of teens and young adults.

302 00:23:54,239 --> 00:24:00,270 I like to take those kind of books and apply the basic concepts to whatever age group I'm working with.

303 00:24:00,489 --> 00:24:03,550 But if you really don't relate to books in that way,

304 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:09,130 and it's going to be distracting if people in the examples are from a different generation,

305 00:24:09,199 --> 00:24:10,989 that book may not be for you.

306 00:24:11,479 --> 00:24:16,920 There are also well known books such as Better Small Talk by Patrick King,

307 00:24:17,319 --> 00:24:25,550 How To Win Friends and Influence people by Dale Carnegie and Crucial Conversations by multiple people,

308 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:27,959 Joseph Granny Carri Patterson,

309 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,569 Ron mcmillan and Switzer.

310 00:24:31,390 --> 00:24:40,640 This book is a great tool to expand your skills at persuasion without being abrasive and to engage in conversations.

311 00:24:40,650 --> 00:24:44,439 Even when emotions are really running high,

312 00:24:44,770 --> 00:24:46,979 we're gonna need to know how to do that.

313 00:24:46,989 --> 00:24:51,859 If we're gonna be in connecting relationships that are really fruitful.

314 00:24:52,339 --> 00:24:58,449 There are many other great sources out there as well and I encourage you to find some that speak to you.

315 00:24:58,530 --> 00:24:58,839 Well,

316 00:24:58,849 --> 00:25:04,819 thanks again for joining me for this fourth episode of The Living With Intention Series.

317 00:25:04,849 --> 00:25:10,410 If you have goals that require you to expand your repertoire for communicating and connecting,

318 00:25:10,589 --> 00:25:15,030 I hope these tips and resources are a great place to start.

319 00:25:15,819 --> 00:25:22,310 Join me next time as we continue this series about intentional living on the autism spectrum.