Autism and Intentional Living: Improving Household Culture

Do you want to live with more intention to achieve your goals? In this 5th episode in a series on Intentional Living, Dr. Regan identifies ways to improve household interactions by attending to the needs of the group and establishing traditions and structured activities.

Dr. Regan's Resources

Book: Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults, 2nd ed

Audiobook

Book: Understanding Autistic Behaviors

Autism in the Adult website homepage

Website Resources for Clinicians

Read the transcript here:

1 00:00:06,139 --> 00:00:06,480 Hi,

2 00:00:06,489 --> 00:00:07,110 everyone.

3 00:00:07,119 --> 00:00:12,170 This is Doctor Regan joining you for an episode of Autism in the Adult podcast.

4 00:00:12,489 --> 00:00:14,970 I'm the mom of a teen on the spectrum.

5 00:00:14,979 --> 00:00:17,500 I have a doctorate in neuropsychology.

6 00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:20,790 It's the field of brain behavior relationships.

7 00:00:20,909 --> 00:00:25,649 And I'm the director of an autism diagnostic clinic for adolescents,

8 00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:29,149 adults and aging adults in Central Illinois.

9 00:00:30,010 --> 00:00:30,459 Today,

10 00:00:30,469 --> 00:00:38,180 you're joining me for the fifth episode in a series about living with intention making goals,

11 00:00:38,189 --> 00:00:43,500 shifting in areas of life to get you closer to where you would like to be.

12 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:55,540 So there were two episodes about how to choose an area of life to target and how to approach change with some specific goals and strategies.

13 00:00:56,009 --> 00:01:02,369 We had episodes about improving regulation and about communicating and connecting.

14 00:01:02,979 --> 00:01:09,629 So today we have an episode focused on household living and the culture of the household.

15 00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:10,690 Now,

16 00:01:10,699 --> 00:01:13,250 before we dive into the topic for today,

17 00:01:13,260 --> 00:01:20,519 I want to invite you to check out the resources on my website at adult in geriatric autism dot com.

18 00:01:20,959 --> 00:01:28,410 There are posts and videos for many different types of listeners and learners including clinicians.

19 00:01:29,019 --> 00:01:29,529 Also,

20 00:01:29,540 --> 00:01:31,610 you may find one of my books helpful,

21 00:01:31,620 --> 00:01:32,580 many of you know,

22 00:01:32,589 --> 00:01:39,069 that my first book called Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults is in the second edition.

23 00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:40,589 And if you don't know,

24 00:01:40,599 --> 00:01:44,550 I have a second book called Understanding Autistic Behaviors,

25 00:01:44,559 --> 00:01:47,250 which is more of a workbook format.

26 00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:55,809 So it explains the neurology ... kind of the neurologic-why of some of the behavioral patterns.

27 00:01:55,819 --> 00:02:02,110 And it outlines ways to work toward increased well-being if someone's in a season of struggle.

28 00:02:04,419 --> 00:02:07,430 So let's focus on household living.

29 00:02:07,470 --> 00:02:16,449 So I want to highlight this topic because many people talk to me about the complexities of living in a household with other people.

30 00:02:16,949 --> 00:02:22,330 Most often this has to do with spouses or partners or with couples who have Children.

31 00:02:22,690 --> 00:02:27,350 Not only is the individual trying to increase their own self awareness.

32 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:27,559 You know,

33 00:02:27,570 --> 00:02:29,050 this is how I'm wired,

34 00:02:29,059 --> 00:02:30,529 this is what makes me tick,

35 00:02:30,539 --> 00:02:31,770 this is what I need.

36 00:02:32,059 --> 00:02:33,830 But in a household,

37 00:02:33,860 --> 00:02:41,160 this is really next level awareness because there's now this demand to be aware of yourself,

38 00:02:41,169 --> 00:02:46,289 multiple other people and the interplay between all of the people.

39 00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:47,630 And on top of that,

40 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:52,100 the needs and interplay change from day to day and from life,

41 00:02:52,110 --> 00:02:53,770 season to life season.

42 00:02:54,789 --> 00:03:00,240 It's so so easy to default to this kind of household interaction.

43 00:03:00,449 --> 00:03:02,039 Stop doing that.

44 00:03:02,050 --> 00:03:03,440 Why are you doing that?

45 00:03:03,449 --> 00:03:08,440 I've told you 100 times to X Y Z.

46 00:03:08,860 --> 00:03:09,800 Oh my gosh,

47 00:03:09,809 --> 00:03:12,440 you are so loud,

48 00:03:12,449 --> 00:03:21,630 messy clingy and guess what this focus on telling people to be different every day is just not that effective.

49 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:27,679 And that's why we find ourselves saying the same things every day over and over.

50 00:03:27,690 --> 00:03:28,770 And not only that,

51 00:03:28,910 --> 00:03:35,339 but these repetitive interactions cause a strain on the relationships in the household.

52 00:03:35,369 --> 00:03:40,940 And they create this kind of adversarial connection rather than a partnering connection.

53 00:03:41,330 --> 00:03:50,050 So the big message is I want you to be different now rather than I want to partner with you to make things better,

54 00:03:50,110 --> 00:03:51,339 better for you,

55 00:03:51,350 --> 00:03:53,839 better for me and better for the household.

56 00:03:54,520 --> 00:04:01,009 So let's talk about some specific areas of focus and strategy that might help.

57 00:04:01,820 --> 00:04:05,509 The first thing we're gonna talk about is focus on the other.

58 00:04:05,889 --> 00:04:06,199 Now,

59 00:04:06,210 --> 00:04:07,690 during the previous episode,

60 00:04:07,699 --> 00:04:14,910 we talked about the importance of expanding our awareness from only what do I need right now,

61 00:04:14,919 --> 00:04:22,100 which actually can be difficult to figure out to what does the other person need right now.

62 00:04:22,399 --> 00:04:24,170 And when we add that element,

63 00:04:24,420 --> 00:04:28,109 we can get away from this push and pull of,

64 00:04:28,119 --> 00:04:31,769 stop doing that to oh,

65 00:04:31,779 --> 00:04:35,309 things might be able to go smoother in this area.

66 00:04:35,660 --> 00:04:42,910 I wonder what the need is that's connected with that behavior and how could I support change?

67 00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:46,109 So as we're talking about households,

68 00:04:46,119 --> 00:05:00,899 this concept of focus on the other then becomes expanded and that makes things a little more complex but also much more important and potentially really helpful,

69 00:05:00,950 --> 00:05:04,730 especially if this becomes the culture of the household,

70 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:09,079 meaning that this is how we do things it becomes more automatic.

71 00:05:09,089 --> 00:05:13,880 It becomes something that everyone's focusing on as best they can.

72 00:05:14,980 --> 00:05:28,660 Let's imagine that a gentleman who's on the autism spectrum is also a dad and a husband and he's coming home from work after what's been a really draining and complex day,

73 00:05:29,059 --> 00:05:36,130 he's had work demands but also lots of other layers of unexpected changes in his schedule,

74 00:05:36,140 --> 00:05:38,230 detours on the route home.

75 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:43,970 There were lots of sensory overload moments and a disagreement with a work colleague.

76 00:05:44,750 --> 00:05:51,579 So he comes home and mom who is home with three kids is not on the spectrum,

77 00:05:51,589 --> 00:05:55,070 but she does have sensory processing sensitivities,

78 00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:56,220 stickiness,

79 00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:58,529 and kids hanging on her and noise.

80 00:05:58,540 --> 00:06:02,600 And she's getting to the point that that has been really overwhelming today.

81 00:06:03,359 --> 00:06:05,149 She is home with three kids.

82 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:21,200 A daughter who is eight has been home from school with the stomach flu but is feeling better and is now running around the house in her tutu singing and spinning and waving her magic wand around an autistic son who is 11,

83 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:25,049 is melting down while doing his math homework.

84 00:06:25,070 --> 00:06:32,630 And another son is 15 and is playing loud music in his room with the door shut.

85 00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:35,790 So the first approach,

86 00:06:35,799 --> 00:06:41,040 the one that is our most typical go to may look like this.

87 00:06:41,549 --> 00:06:42,899 Dad walks in.

88 00:06:43,059 --> 00:06:46,480 Mom is yelling at her two youngest kids to be quiet.

89 00:06:46,660 --> 00:06:51,549 She's juggling hot food in the kitchen while trying to get food ready for dinner.

90 00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:58,130 The youngest daughter runs up to dad and wants to show off her tutu and her magic wand.

91 00:06:58,540 --> 00:07:03,549 And dad hears the loud music coming from upstairs and mom is thinking,

92 00:07:03,559 --> 00:07:06,059 thank goodness he is home.

93 00:07:06,220 --> 00:07:07,549 I need some help.

94 00:07:07,559 --> 00:07:14,130 I need some relief and dad is thinking I can't wait to get out of here and go for my bike ride.

95 00:07:16,299 --> 00:07:23,519 So mom and dad get in a fight about how he comes home and goes off by himself and she's been there all day,

96 00:07:23,529 --> 00:07:24,309 et cetera.

97 00:07:25,209 --> 00:07:28,279 So dad feels the pressure to make things right.

98 00:07:28,510 --> 00:07:30,950 He yells at his oldest son saying,

99 00:07:30,959 --> 00:07:34,070 why don't you turn off your music and come down and help your mother.

100 00:07:34,390 --> 00:07:40,850 And he yells at the middle son and says that math really isn't that hard and he should stop crying.

101 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:55,970 We all get that right like we are at the end of our rope and we just want to make the chaos stop and calm down and we want other people to do their part.

102 00:07:58,119 --> 00:08:00,250 Let's think about a second approach.

103 00:08:01,019 --> 00:08:17,299 This is increased awareness that all of these people have really legitimate needs and a realization that there needs to be a way to figure out what they are and then to try to work together to do something.

104 00:08:19,170 --> 00:08:22,100 Mom is overwhelmed with sensory inputs.

105 00:08:22,109 --> 00:08:26,929 She's drained from the whole day of being the only adult at home,

106 00:08:27,079 --> 00:08:33,700 which means that she has been the go to person for everyone's needs in the household.

107 00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:37,588 So she needs quiet alone time.

108 00:08:37,838 --> 00:08:39,598 She needs compliments,

109 00:08:39,609 --> 00:08:41,059 she needs support.

110 00:08:41,900 --> 00:08:44,830 The youngest daughter suddenly feeling better.

111 00:08:45,239 --> 00:08:54,210 She needs to run off some of her nonsick energy and be recognized as someone who's beautiful and magical with her wand.

112 00:08:55,409 --> 00:08:59,330 The middle son has also been very drained from the day.

113 00:08:59,669 --> 00:09:06,080 He gets overwhelmed with the social and sensory environment at school and he has a math learning disability.

114 00:09:06,719 --> 00:09:17,369 So he has gone from a draining environment to a draining environment and he's doing a task that he just knows he can't have success with.

115 00:09:18,260 --> 00:09:21,840 He's unable to get his bearings to calm,

116 00:09:22,059 --> 00:09:23,469 to reenter,

117 00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:25,869 he needs some regulation help.

118 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:39,880 The oldest son is feeling the angst of being a teen and this comes with easy irritation thinking his parents don't know anything and the loud music releases some of his irritability.

119 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:43,450 It establishes his identity as his own person.

120 00:09:43,619 --> 00:09:46,969 So that is a lot.

121 00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:51,229 In this case,

122 00:09:51,900 --> 00:10:07,090 it often helps to have some type of planned huddle uh between the couple or with the family about what is the status right now and what do you need?

123 00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:18,659 The huddle is just a coming together to talk briefly about what are we gonna do next?

124 00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:20,820 What's going on and what are we gonna do?

125 00:10:21,979 --> 00:10:26,710 The status is really high chaos for everyone in this family right now.

126 00:10:27,979 --> 00:10:35,590 And sometimes families make up kind of humorous labels for levels of chaos or crisis.

127 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:50,049 One family might use a color code where a code red is the most chaos or sometimes a movie related code where the most chaos is the Lord of the Rings scene where the orcs come.

128 00:10:51,070 --> 00:10:54,030 The status could also be a factual description.

129 00:10:54,190 --> 00:10:55,340 Bad day at work,

130 00:10:55,349 --> 00:10:57,619 really drained or bad day at home,

131 00:10:57,630 --> 00:10:58,539 really drained.

132 00:10:58,710 --> 00:11:02,919 And I'm at my breaking point at the highest level of chaos.

133 00:11:02,929 --> 00:11:05,309 Both mom and dad really need alone time.

134 00:11:05,669 --> 00:11:06,280 Now,

135 00:11:06,289 --> 00:11:07,820 what do the kids need?

136 00:11:08,450 --> 00:11:08,929 Well,

137 00:11:08,940 --> 00:11:11,000 you may have a quick family huddle,

138 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:12,780 what do you need?

139 00:11:13,210 --> 00:11:21,960 Or the parents may have a sense already of what the kids would probably need to regulate and regroup.

140 00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:27,219 One helpful thing in this scenario might look like the following.

141 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:36,130 Dad could go on his bike ride but also take the 11 year old son who's on the autism spectrum on the ride as well.

142 00:11:37,150 --> 00:11:42,070 They both really feel better after they get some pressure input,

143 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:45,929 that's proprioceptive input and movement input,

144 00:11:45,940 --> 00:11:47,330 vestibular input.

145 00:11:47,669 --> 00:11:53,450 You can see our episode about sensory inputs for regulation.

146 00:11:54,070 --> 00:11:57,539 And this is why the bike ride is so important.

147 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:03,200 If we tell dad not to go on the bike ride because the house is in chaos,

148 00:12:03,599 --> 00:12:07,409 he's not going to be able to regulate himself.

149 00:12:07,590 --> 00:12:09,849 So we want a dad who comes back,

150 00:12:09,859 --> 00:12:12,979 regulated centered calm.

151 00:12:13,239 --> 00:12:14,640 Um not at,

152 00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:15,890 at the breaking point.

153 00:12:16,539 --> 00:12:30,619 This bike ride also gives time for their mind to settle and it's a kind of together activity where they actually don't have to talk So it's the thing they like to do and we're together,

154 00:12:30,630 --> 00:12:36,780 but we don't have to say anything and that's very calming and regulating for them.

155 00:12:38,750 --> 00:12:40,349 Perhaps in this scenario,

156 00:12:40,359 --> 00:12:51,559 mom chooses a bubble bath with headphones and music and gives the 15 year old a task to keep him busy and to acknowledge his independence.

157 00:12:52,200 --> 00:13:01,650 So there's a small corner store about three blocks away and she gives him $15 to walk to the corner store and to take the eight year old,

158 00:13:03,049 --> 00:13:11,119 the eight year old can spin and sing and walk with her wand and he gets to choose whatever he wants for,

159 00:13:11,130 --> 00:13:13,539 quote dessert for the family.

160 00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:18,489 He chooses lots of movie candy like now and laters,

161 00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:21,059 Mike and Ike and Swedish fish.

162 00:13:21,070 --> 00:13:25,109 And he lets his sister pick out a Princess Pez dispenser.

163 00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:27,390 Then they walk home,

164 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,330 mom's done with their bath.

165 00:13:29,340 --> 00:13:38,270 Dad and son are home and this is a regrouping time that acknowledges as many people's needs as possible.

166 00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:44,409 And then there can be a huddle at that point about how the rest of the night might go.

167 00:13:46,419 --> 00:13:54,750 But we at least want to problem solve when as many people as possible are more centered and less close to the breaking point.

168 00:13:57,289 --> 00:14:06,520 So this focus and strategy is uh really pinpointing what other people need people in the household.

169 00:14:06,869 --> 00:14:12,479 And it uses the huddle concept to come together and make a plan.

170 00:14:12,849 --> 00:14:14,979 So it's a quick coming together.

171 00:14:14,989 --> 00:14:16,690 It's not like a family meeting,

172 00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:18,739 where we talk through things,

173 00:14:18,859 --> 00:14:21,580 it's what's going on and what do we need to do.

174 00:14:23,190 --> 00:14:23,679 Now,

175 00:14:23,690 --> 00:14:26,760 we all know that this doesn't make everything easy,

176 00:14:26,780 --> 00:14:35,969 but it often makes things better and it creates partnerships within the household rather than really strained relationships.

177 00:14:40,070 --> 00:14:44,280 Let's look at another approach to household culture.

178 00:14:44,419 --> 00:14:51,020 So the second one is focusing on tradition and structure in order to interact,

179 00:14:52,859 --> 00:14:55,090 individuals with autistic neurology,

180 00:14:55,099 --> 00:15:04,099 often prefer structured topic based activities rather than hanging out or sharing about their day or sharing about feelings.

181 00:15:04,510 --> 00:15:10,869 These are typically more enjoyable to them than just unstructured together time.

182 00:15:12,219 --> 00:15:16,950 It might involve harnessing their knowledge about something that they love.

183 00:15:19,450 --> 00:15:25,099 And once you know who in the family really likes this kind of interaction.

184 00:15:25,109 --> 00:15:26,320 And you can say,

185 00:15:26,479 --> 00:15:29,049 I know this is what we enjoy best.

186 00:15:29,380 --> 00:15:35,059 This awareness can help increase the number of nice family memories or interactions.

187 00:15:35,380 --> 00:15:37,239 So for example,

188 00:15:37,250 --> 00:15:46,159 let's take a family um who likes to socially connect at the dinner table by sharing about their day,

189 00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:47,929 how the practice went,

190 00:15:47,940 --> 00:15:49,409 how their soccer game?

191 00:15:49,419 --> 00:15:53,669 Did uh did your friend feel good about their science project?

192 00:15:53,679 --> 00:15:56,809 How is your boss's husband doing since his surgery,

193 00:15:56,820 --> 00:15:57,510 et cetera?

194 00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:02,880 In contrast to another family with neurodiversity,

195 00:16:02,890 --> 00:16:03,359 now,

196 00:16:03,369 --> 00:16:10,299 they may prefer something more structured and less about how people felt or responded,

197 00:16:10,780 --> 00:16:14,119 less open ended or broad questions about the day.

198 00:16:14,340 --> 00:16:15,919 So what might that look like?

199 00:16:17,909 --> 00:16:25,080 This family might start a tradition at the dinner table where they each share an interesting fact that they learned that day.

200 00:16:25,159 --> 00:16:30,159 So perhaps the eight year old learned that most fish don't have eyelids.

201 00:16:30,580 --> 00:16:33,000 The 15 year old learned that on average,

202 00:16:33,010 --> 00:16:36,739 every person on earth owns 86 Lego Bricks.

203 00:16:40,210 --> 00:16:42,320 Let's look at another example.

204 00:16:42,330 --> 00:16:44,059 Let's take a spouse.

205 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:56,059 We're looking at a woman who feels dissatisfied because her husband doesn't engage in conversations during times like car rides or while at a restaurant and waiting on their meal.

206 00:16:56,739 --> 00:17:03,609 She's realized though that they can have a really good social interaction if it's structured about a topic.

207 00:17:04,250 --> 00:17:12,939 She's also noticed that they have a good time interacting if they take online quizzes or play trivia together during these times.

208 00:17:13,660 --> 00:17:22,630 So the passenger in the car can ask the driver trivia questions and then they can switch and she notices that they really end up laughing,

209 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,089 they learn new things.

210 00:17:24,099 --> 00:17:25,530 It works out well.

211 00:17:25,540 --> 00:17:28,380 It's actually a really connecting time,

212 00:17:28,689 --> 00:17:34,829 uh much better than the silence of sitting together without interacting.

213 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,530 Let's take a third family.

214 00:17:39,619 --> 00:17:53,829 This family has teens and it's been struggling because the kids are a bit more moody than they were as youngsters and they're too old for some of the things that they used to do as a family when they were younger.

215 00:17:54,099 --> 00:17:54,380 You know,

216 00:17:54,390 --> 00:17:57,170 they don't like going to the zoo anymore.

217 00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:05,349 This family realized that structuring some traditions for activities has worked better than small talk.

218 00:18:05,359 --> 00:18:13,849 Like how with school they might have a Friday night tradition of board games and pizza or they might rotate,

219 00:18:13,859 --> 00:18:16,530 who gets to pick the Friday night activity.

220 00:18:16,979 --> 00:18:21,810 One teen may pick a movie and chooses the snacks next week,

221 00:18:21,819 --> 00:18:26,089 another chooses a board game and challenges kids against parents.

222 00:18:26,579 --> 00:18:31,229 And the next week mom chooses a Lock Drew mystery for the family to solve together.

223 00:18:32,780 --> 00:18:43,729 So this approach harnesses the fact that individuals with autistic neurology may really enjoy each other within the context of some structure,

224 00:18:43,739 --> 00:18:53,310 topic and activity rather than these loose connecting moments or open ended questions like how is your day and what's going on in your life.

225 00:18:56,209 --> 00:19:00,420 There's so much that goes into the culture of a household.

226 00:19:00,790 --> 00:19:18,670 But these two tips of helping people get their needs met and coming together with structure and topic focused activities can be part of what helps shift things in a good direction for many families and it really protects those partnering kinds of relationships.

227 00:19:19,989 --> 00:19:24,660 Thank you for joining me today to talk about households and families,

228 00:19:24,819 --> 00:19:27,060 protecting the wellness of our family.

229 00:19:27,069 --> 00:19:32,709 Connections can help us feel more supported and resilient overall.

230 00:19:33,530 --> 00:19:42,430 And next time we will round out this series by focusing on adding meaning and growth to areas of special interest.

231 00:19:42,619 --> 00:19:44,219 I hope you can join me then.