024 – I’m Deeply Hurt, But I Hope You’re Happy

Louise was one of four a dual heritage children raised by white parents in England. She had a fantastic childhood. So much so that she has adopted twice. But along her impulsive journey into reunification, Louise was exposed to uncomfortable situations including her biological grandfather’s impending death, overt racism in her mother’s family, and total rejection by her biological father. Unfortunately, Louise’s mother’s withholding of facts also prevented her from knowing her sister, who once was interested in reunification.

The post 024 – I’m Deeply Hurt, But I Hope You’re Happy appeared first on Who Am I...Really? Podcast.

Louise (00:02):

If you rush these things, you can really damage any sense of long term relationship with people and I think you need to think more widely of the implications of your actions to other people, I didn't even consider how my birth mother would feel.

Voices (00:16):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Damon (00:34):

This is Who Am I Really, a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and on today's show you'll hear the journey of Louise. She called me from London, England, so at times you may have to listen closely to hear her voice through the connection, but what you'll hear is the story of a woman who's youthful curiosity about her biological mother led her courageously and impulsively straight to her mother's door. Louise's poorly thought out approach in her twenties may have cost her the deep relationships that a more cautious and measured approach could have yielded and put her in some very uncomfortable situations. Her journey has repetitive rejections on three fronts. After locating her biological mother, father and uncovering the news that she also had a sister. However, Louise now has some sage wisdom for other adoptees and her own adopted children about their own possible journeys through reunification.

Damon (01:37):

Louise's heritage is a racial mix of white English descent on her birth mother's side and Jamaican English descent on her birth father's side. Louise's parents had already adopted an older brother, then her, followed by two more multiracial children. They were very open about adoption partially because they all looked very different from one another. Each child's individual adoption situation was their business to discuss with their parents if they chose to. Louise was able to grow up with the comforting information about her biological mother.

Louise (02:10):

Well, I was born in 1978 and I was relinquished for adoption by my birth mother. Um, at birth, really, um, she did change her mind and she went back and forth, but I never left the hospital until I went to live with foster carers and I was then adopted by two wonderful people. Um, it's worth noting that my birth mother's, uh, of white English descent and my birth father is a Jamaican and English descent. And the people that I was adopted by, um, who I refer to as mom and dad, uh, are actually Black English. And, um, I believe about six months after, um, I was born, I was placed with my parents. They already had adopted an older brother who's just under 18 months older than me and we have the same heritage. And um, they obviously went on to adopt two more dual heritage, mixed race, to put it in quick terminology.

Louise (03:14):

As children, we grew up always knowing we were adopted. They really, I mean it was hard for them to hide it cause people look so different. But they were always incredibly open about, you know, being adopted, about our birth mothers. I don't know so much about my brother's birth mothers. I mean quite selfishly and quite rightly, I think my parents didn't necessarily share that information with us because it was for the individual child. It wasn't, you know, everybody else's business. But, uh, for me, my mom always spoke about my birth mom, but she actually met her, which I think really helped me growing up knowing that my mom had an opportunity to meet her so I mean, growing up we were no different from any other family as far as we could tell because for us that was the norm. We went on adoption days out with other children that happened to be adopted, but my mom's still friends with, you know, that's your DA's later.

Louise (04:15):

So we were very much, we were, at the time, there weren't many mixed race or dual heritage children around where we lived, but as time grew on, there was, you know, more and more, you know, were present. So we had a happy childhood. I mean, all the angst of being a young lady was there. I think being adopted did play a little bit of a role in me being a little bit more uncertain of myself or emotions that my mom had always and my dad had always spoken highly of my birth mother and answered any questions I had, you know, very, very honestly.

Damon (04:50):

Tell me a little bit about your, your teen angst as it applied to being an adoptee. How do you think that it played in, in terms of your identity and sort of coming of age?

Louise (05:02):

Well, I think everyone could agree, who doesn't know where they come from, wants to know, do they look like somebody. Have they got the same resemblance to somebody else. And I think for me that was quite important because, you know, my friends grew up knowing that they look like, you know, their mom or their dad or their aunt or their uncle. Whereas I had, I really did have nobody, that looked, you know, that much like me, apart from my brothers, but we were all non blood related brothers and sisters. So that was quite tricky. Um, I know it affected one of my brothers, more so than it did myself. But I remember I do, you know, really remember thinking, who do I look like? Because people used to comment and say to my parents, to my mom, you know, she looks like, you know, I used to think, Oh but I'm sure I don't.

Louise (05:53):

I mean it just made me more self conscious I suppose. And you do wonder. But then I remember it's really strange, but I remember going somewhere with my dad when I was in the front of the car with my dad and he does this thing where he clicks his fore finger and his thumb together and I just know, I think I do that. So that was kind of, I know that sounds really silly, but that was kind of a really big reassurance for me because it was, I was similar to somebody else, but they just happened to not being biologically related, but I was just inquisitive about my birth mother as much as I could. But I wanted to