027 – I Got A Picture Of My Mother’s Sadness Though Other People

As a kid, Rebecca was considered quirky. Unbeknownst to her, that quirkiness was an after effect of fetal alcohol syndrome. She tells the story of learning her birth mother’s lonely and troubled past, and the closure she finally got after she learned of her mother’s death.

The post 027 – I Got A Picture Of My Mother’s Sadness Though Other People appeared first on Who Am I...Really? Podcast.

Rebecca (00:03):

I went to bed that night and I woke up and I went back to the picture and I'm like, Oh my God. I was like, that's exactly how I looked in high school.

Voices (00:16):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Damon (00:28):

This is Who Am I Really, a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and on today's show you'll hear the story of Rebecca. She's one of my people from Columbia, Maryland. She went to a rival high school Centennial, but that's okay. Everyone knows Wilde Lake is the best. Rebecca's parents told her very early that she was adopted and she loved it. As a kid, Rebecca was considered quirky. Unbeknownst to her, that quirkiness was an aftereffect of the alcoholism that plagued her mother's life. She tells her story of learning her birth mother's lonely and troubled past and the closure she finally got after she learned of her mother's death and her quest to find answers about her paternal side of the family. Rebecca was adopted as an infant and she lauds her adoption as a positive experience with her family. But she had challenges with her brother, her parents' biological son. And he admitted his feelings about Rebecca the night before her big day.

Rebecca (01:34):

I was adopted at one month old, so my parents told me, I think when I was five or six, like as young as I could understand and um, they didn't hide it from me and it was.. I mean I always felt like I belonged to them. I never felt different. Like I, I had written that I was quirky, but that turned out to be something totally different. So, um, it was cool. Like I loved it cause I loved the attention. Like my mom would tell the, you know, how they adopted me to her friends when they would go out and I just, it was awesome. And like nobody ever, from what I remember, nobody ever looked at my parents like, Oh poor you, you know, you had to go the adoption route. It was a very positive experience. My brother was biological and he was four years older than me.

Damon (02:26):

He was biological to them?

Rebecca (02:28):

Yeah, yup. So him and I constantly butted heads. I don't know. I think part of that's because my parents, after they had him, they had a daughter and she passed away at a week old due to being a preemie. So, um, that's why they looked into adoption after that. So I think my brother felt a little like I replaced her, which I get. I get it.

Damon (02:55):

Yeah.

Rebecca (02:55):

I had asked him at one point, the night before my wedding actually, I had asked him if he ever resented me and he said there were times when he did. So I got it. I mean it's, you know, it had to be, he was four it had to be hard.

Damon (03:10):

Yeah, absolutely. Especially as a four year old part of the whole process for you to get used to another child coming in. There's a nine month runway where you're watching your mother's belly grow. She's talking to you about what a great big brother you're going to be. And then, you know, kids can be challenged to really figure out what death means and understand it is even with grandparents who you kind of are, are taught are going to leave this world one day, but for your newborn sister to come and immediately go and it would be replaced by another child. That sounds so hard.

Rebecca (03:49):

I know, I know. And he didn't really get it. He, um, and he wouldn't go to her grave. He, um, I don't, it's, it was hard and I feel bad. I do. I feel really bad. There was a horrible thing for everyone to go through.

Damon (04:01):

If you don't mind. Out of curiosity, did you get a little bit of closure for him to admit his resentment the night before your wedding?

Rebecca (04:09):

Oh yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. It made me understand that he's, pardon my french, wasn't, he wasn't intentionally a ***. It made me realize that him and I had more sibling rivalry than other kids. I felt we constantly fought and it made me realize that I think he was just hurt and I wish I could've changed it, but it made me understand him better. Actually.

Damon (04:35):

Rebecca's adoption automatically put her in an interesting family dynamic with her brother's grief over his lost sister. So I asked her how her parents made her feel comfortable in that same space. They had also lost a daughter, but Rebecca was their daughter too, and they made sure she knew she was theirs and that adoption was okay.

Rebecca (04:53):

But they, yeah, they never made me feel like adoption was the second choice. Like I know it kind of was like, you know, they had a baby, she passed away. You can't have kids, turn to adoption. But they never threw that in my face. They always said, you know, they're happy they adopted me. I was meant for their family and they always made me feel wanted. So I never felt