039 – I’m An Adult, But They’re Acting Like Children

Mitch’s parents adopted his older brother, then him. Then they got a surprise addition to the family. They had a great life outside of Chicago, but Mitch did feel somewhat sidelined by the attention paid to his youngest sibling. He learned as a teen that not everyone in his family was supportive of adoptions, and his attempts at reunion have been a frustrating set of rejections.

The post 039 – I’m An Adult, But They’re Acting Like Children appeared first on Who Am I...Really? Podcast.

Mitch (00:03):

And I pulled up my shirt and I pointed to my belly button and I said, I don't know who this was attached to you do. You can look at yours and you know exactly who yours was attached to. I have never, in 45 years been in the same room as the woman that mine was attached to. I don't know who she is.

Damon (00:27):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and on today's show is Mitch who spoke with me from Chicago. He grew up in a rural area outside of the city, which can be great for a kid to be outdoors, but tough. When you're trying to make friends with the neighbors. Mitch grew up feeling like his adoption was just fine, but soon he realized that not everyone in his family truly believed that throughout his life he's been reminded of his position as an adoptee, from painful visits to the doctor's office, with his wife to hurtful comments by family members. Mitch has struggled to make connections with his biological family. And ultimately he just wishes people could own up to the past and face the present because he is here because of them. This is Mitch's journey, Mitch's parents adopted his older brother and they already knew that they would adopt again. So they made the arrangements. When they brought Mitch home, they didn't realize they were already adding a third baby to their family

Mitch (01:44):

as happened, um, with women who have had such difficulties that once in the act of parenting, it seems to help regulate whichever hormones were out of whack and causing the miscarriages. And so when they brought me home, I don't think they quite realize that my mom was pregnant. Um, I have a younger sister who was their biological child who has eight months younger than I am. Wow. So it was like the Irish twins. You know, my mom has joked about how people would give her just the dirtiest looks. And I'm like, what do you mean the dirtiest? Cause you had two kids. And she said, no, because you could tell that they weren't twins because they were obviously different sizes. And it was a look like you just couldn't keep your knees together for two minutes.

Damon (02:32):

she was being judged.

Mitch (02:34):

Oh wow. Yeah, there was a little bit of that.

Damon (02:37):

The family moved out to what was at the time, a rural part of Illinois. He grew up on a huge plot of acres of land, which is a great environment for exploration, but lonely. When it comes to having friends your age,

Mitch (02:50):

I grew up on five acres with hundreds of trees and a pond. Um, it was absolutely bucolic and we had horses and motorcycles and snowmobiles and you know, you walk outside and you can do so many things.

Damon (03:05):

It's like a Wonderland for a kid.

Mitch (03:07):

Yeah, exactly. The downside to it was that there were no other kids my age, anywhere around. I mean, it was a drive of miles to get to like a friend's house from school. I mean, it wasn't like it was all farmland, but there were still farms out there.

Damon (03:23):

Mitch has always known he was adopted because his parents wanted to be the ones to share with their children, how their family was formed. They didn't want the boys to find out by accident from someone else that they were adopted. However, as he got a little older, he learned that not everyone was okay with adoption, like his grandfather, for example, Mitch recounted a moment in his teens when the hardened retired, Chicago detective expressed his disapproval in an overt, but underhanded way, he also shares the negative effects of feeling sidelined by the attention that was paid to his younger sister over himself.

Mitch (03:58):

My mom had two brothers, they had only girls. So my brother and I were his only grandsons. So for this guy who was like such a traditional. And so you would think I don't brand sites, you know, but he, he, wasn't a personable person to begin with. Um, and years later I think I was in college. He was in a nursing home and my mom and I went for a visit and he leaned over to my mom and you know, almost like he was doing it. So I couldn't hear, but it was plainly done so that I could hear, uh, he leaned over and said, who is that? And she said, you know who that is? And the way she said that, I just had this gut feeling that this was not the first time that this had happened. He had done this. And one more time, he said, who, who is that? And she said, you know, damn well who that is. And he said, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's Jack. And Esther's at that time.

Mitch (05:04):

And you know, it was like, I just, if, if that had been an undercurrent before that I was oblivious to it just never noticed it didn't want to notice it. I don't know. But that was, you know, that was quite a striking moment. So, you know, so, so as far as other people, I don't know. I mean, there's a part of me that looks back and thinks, you know what, like my sister, she was the only girl she was the baby, but there's part of me that feels like there was a little bit like kind of this golden child thing, where there were some friends of the family that were just always about my sister, always. Um, and, and I felt like I was kind of off to the side. Like just didn't figure it. And there's part of me. That's like, you know, Hey, I'm over here. I'm the one who's on the honor roll. I'm the one who's on the Dean's list. I'm the one who a four year ride to a major university. I'm the one who is a graduate teaching fellow at another university. You know? I mean like, come on, you know, but it's her, her, her, um, to this day with some of those folks. So, I mean, I've, I've told my mom, like, if I never see those people again, I'm cool with it. I don't feel the need.

Damon (06:16):

Yeah, no, I, I totally get it. And I wonder, how did that impact your relationship with your parents and with your sister?

Mitch (06:25):

Um, negatively, because of course they...