069 – I Lived As A Secret, That’s Not Healthy

Honor described a childhood in isolation, so much so that it impacted her health when she started school. Wondering about her biological parents, she developed a romantic story in her mind that they were in love but simply couldn’t keep her. It took her many years to track down her real story which was far more complex, and at one point she thought that one of her worst fears was true. When she found her birth mother, they only had a passing anonymous introduction to one another and when they met again years later, the woman was unable to recognize who Honor was. When Honor tracked down her birth father, his actions indicated he was the right guy, even if he didn’t explicitly say so.

Read Full TranscriptHonor: 00:05 Then he said, “oh, and there’s something else”, and I said, “what.? And he said, “she claims that she was raped”, so I was in bits.

Damon: 00:14 Really.?

Honor: 00:15 I remember going into the garden alone and wondering about and I wanted to cry but couldn’t. I was just crucified inside because that for me, was the worst scenario that I could hear.

Voices: 00:35 Who am I? Who am I? Who Am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Damon: 00:47 This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I’m Damon Davis, and on today’s show is Honor. She called me from outside of Edinburgh. Scotland. Honor described a childhood in isolation, so much so that it impacted her health when she started school. It took her many years to track down her real story and at one point she thought that one of her worst fears was true when she found her birth mother. They only had a passing anonymous introduction to one another, and when they met again years later, the woman was unable to recognize who Honor was when Honor tracked down her birth father. His actions indicated he was the right guy even if he didn’t explicitly say so. This is Honors journey. Honor was born in good shepherd, mother and baby home in bishop ton near Glasgow, Scotland. Her mother and father adopted her as slightly older parents, 44 and 42 respectively on her, says she was adopted officially at four years old and she remembers that time of their lives because her parents seemed agitated, which she still remembers clearly. They told her she was adopted, but she didn’t know what it meant. She just knew it was a word. She should definitely remember

Honor: 02:12 And occasionally, I would ask the question, why did you choose to me? Um, I think it was probably because I liked the answer, which is because she was the one who smiled. And then I sensed this was old preschool and pre five year old. I then became very aware of how uncomfortable my mother became. If I asked the question, she didn’t like it

Damon: 02:37 and what would she do, how could you tell

Honor: 02:40 she she, she would look uncomfortable and would just say, well, because you were the one that smiled and carry on doing something else. She’d never sat me on her knee and talked about it nicely. It was like I answered, now shut up. It was definitely a discomfort situation which I picked up on. So I stopped asking the question,

Damon: 03:05 Honor said ask her father about adoption, either adoption was never mentioned again in the family except for one time when her father was near the end of his life.

Honor: 03:16 The only time that it came to the fore was when my father was terminally ill and the consultant was asking him questions and one of the questions was how many children does he have? And he said none. And I was sitting there beside him. And the consultants sort of appeared over his glasses at me. Am I squirmed in the seat seats? You know, I mean, it was ridiculous really. And he asked the question again and he said that was the impact, the lifelong impact of infertility came bubbling to the surface.

Damon: 03:57 And what did you feel inside when he basically denied you as his daughter?

Honor: 04:04 Very uncomfortable, but I forgave him because the poor man was dying literally, and he wasn’t himself. HIs mind, had sort of. … I don’t know what else he would just said if he had been better than he was. Even a couple of months prior to that. I’m not sure whether he was just said yes and I have one adopted daughter or something of that nature, but he just said no, no children

Damon: