090 – It’s Not Your Fault, I Made It Through

Lori was adopted after her biological mother lived with her adoptive parents, desperately trying to escape the tyranny of her abusive husband. The abuse her birth mother suffered would be a recurring theme in her own life when her mother’s drinking got worse. Lorie tells the story of growing up reminded of the privilege she lived with but wanting only to be herself, not keep up appearances for her mother. When she found her birth mother, she was able to share her own sons with their new grandmother, a woman who missed out Lori’s youth.

Read Full Transcript

Lori: 00:00 He had actually moved her from the house and moved her into like an abandoned farm hill and she said there was no electricity, no running water. Um, it was her and my oldest brother, pretty much they had no food. She was severely malnourished when she was pregnant and to the point where he would take car parts out of the car, so she couldn’t go anywhere. She was pretty much abandoned in a foreign house and had nowhere to go. She couldn’t escape for the longest time.

Voices: 00:35 Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Damon: 00:47 This is Who Am I Really? A podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I’m Damon Davis and on today’s show is Lori. She called me from Georgia before her move to Washington state. She was adopted after her biological mother lived with her adoptive parents, but that boarding situation was forced because of abuse, which was a recurring theme in Lori’s home, thereafter. She tells the story of growing up reminded of the privilege she lived with, but wanting only to be herself, not keep up appearances for her mother. When she found her birth mother, she was able to share her sons with the woman who had missed out on her youth years ago. This is Lori’s journey.

Damon: 01:31 When I spoke to Lori from Georgia, she was planning to move their young family west to Washington following her husband’s career in the United States army. Lori’s five month old son was in the background so you might hear him from time to time. She told me that she was born and partially raised in central California where her parents and most of their family were from. She didn’t really know too many adopted kids in her area and adoption wasn’t spoken of in her home. She said she was one of four that her parents tried to adopt. Her oldest brother is five years older than herself. Lori was adopted at birth after her parents had fertility issues and even lost a child. Their parents tried to adopt another boy, but the adoption fell through and the boy went back to his biological family. Lori shared that she had good memories of her childhood with a tight knit family and grandparents who were great people. But when she was 10 her parents tried to adopt a brother and sister who would have been two middle children between Lori and her brother. But their adoptions didn’t work out either.

Lori: 02:31 About that time when I was about 10 years old, I don’t know what necessarily happened or anything, but it was just stuff just went down hill. I know my oldest brother was kind of like a trouble maker. He, he did a lot of things kids shouldn’t do and I know he kind of reck havoc on my parents, but I don’t think it was necessarily because he was just like rebellious or anything. I just think that’s the only way he knew how to get attention and I know that took a toll on them, but they, that’s like around the time I remember they started drinking too and it was just, I dunno, it was like a big snowball effect. It just kind of went negative from that point on.

Damon: 03:14 Lori admits that she may have been naive to the drinking when she was younger. She said that things seem to start out almost perfectly because she was really close to her dad, but the family dynamic did change when she was 10. Her parent’s drinking and the stress of her brother’s acting out took a toll and their home turned abusive. Lori’s brother was sent away to children’s homes, so he was inexplicably in and out of the house, which was really confusing for Lori. When she asked about her brother, her parents said he was at summer camp when Lori asked why she wasn’t in summer camp too, her mother changed the subject just like she always did. In their part of California, there were work camps where troubled youth were sent to pick crops as part of community service, so he went there for a while

Lori: 03:59 so it was like he was in and out, in and out, and then he was gone and I wasn’t allowed to talk about it, wasn’t allowed to ask about it. My mom at that point started getting pretty abusive towards the rest of us. So it was literally like a switch went off. I’m not really sure how to explain it.

Damon: 04:17 Lori remembers waiting for her brother to call home, but after awhile the calls stopped. When they went to visit her brother where he was boarded, her parents would drop off Lori at her grandparents house or when they did take Lori along, she was left in the boarding schools office, unable to see her brother.

Lori: 04:34 So I went from being like the youngest sibling and then we got the other two from foster care and they fell kind of in between us and they were with us at that time. And a year after my brother left for good, my sister was sent back into foster care and then not even a year later, the um, younger brother was sent into foster care. So they were split up and then it was just me at that point.

Damon: