Touring History 8-1-25

TOURING HISTORY - AUGUST 1ST SCRIPT COLD OPEN

LANE: Welcome back to Touring History, where we dig through the past so you can sound smart at parties without actually reading textbooks. I'm Lane.

DAVE: And I'm Dave, still trying to process that people used to have to physically develop film to see their photos. Like, you had to wait days to find out if you blinked during a family picture.

LANE: Today we're exploring August 1st, a date that's brought us military victories, scientific breakthroughs, and some absolutely legendary examples of how royal mistresses can literally rewrite the rules of succession.

DAVE: Speaking of August 1st, we got a voice memo from a listener. Sezso, what do you have for us?

LISTENER VOICE MEMO

SEZSO (as listener): Hello,

My name is Derek, and I'm calling in to suggest replacing Lane, with me Derek, in the podcast.

He obviously has no clue what he's doing, is clearly reading, and can't keep up with Dave.

I, however, shall put David in his place.

Heel Dave, sit, Good boy!

I've attached my CV, and look forward to your consideration. The choice should be easy.

Cheers!

LANE: Hey, now wait a minute…am I being replaced? Sezso, you're supposed to be screening calls aren't you? Is it just me, or has the audience decided to mess with us? Was that an AI nerd voice?

DAVE: ….

CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS

LANE: Let's celebrate some August 1st birthdays! We've got Yves Saint Laurent, who revolutionized fashion by making haute couture wearable and basically invented the modern woman's power suit.

DAVE: Also born today: Herman Melville, who wrote "Moby Dick" and proved that you could make a 600-page book about hunting one really annoying whale into a literary masterpiece. And Coolio, who made academic gangster rap a thing with "Gangsta's Paradise."

LANE: Can't forget Francis Scott Key, born August 1st, 1779. Lawyer and poet who wrote "The Star-Spangled Banner" after watching Fort McHenry get bombarded, basically turning a sleepless night into America's national anthem.

DAVE: Though let's be honest, he wrote the most difficult song possible for people to sing at sporting events. Thanks for that, Francis.

SALACIOUS DAVE SEGMENT

DAVE: Scandal time! August 1st, 1714, Queen Anne of Great Britain died, ending the Stuart dynasty. But the real scandal? Her passionate, decades-long relationship with Sarah Churchill that basically controlled English politics for twenty years.

LANE: Wait, are we talking about a royal lesbian affair in the 1700s?

DAVE: Queen Anne and Sarah Churchill were inseparable from childhood. Sarah became Anne's lady-in-waiting, but their relationship was way more intimate than professional. Anne wrote Sarah letters calling her "Mrs. Freeman" while Anne signed as "Mrs. Morley" - basically secret girlfriend nicknames.

LANE: That's actually kind of sweet. Secret pet names across social classes.

DAVE: Anne's letters to Sarah are incredibly passionate: "I hope I shall get a moment or two to be with my dear Mrs. Freeman, that I may have one dear embrace." And Sarah had unprecedented political influence - she basically ran the government through her relationship with the Queen.

LANE: So England was essentially being ruled by royal girlfriend drama?

DAVE: Exactly! But then Sarah fell in love with her cousin Abigail Masham, who also became Anne's favorite. The love triangle literally split the English court into factions. Anne eventually banished Sarah in 1711, and Sarah spent the rest of Anne's reign trying to get back into her good graces.

LANE: So this wasn't just personal drama - it was actual government policy being decided by who the Queen was sleeping with?

DAVE: When Anne died in 1714, it ended both the Stuart line and one of history's most politically influential lesbian relationships. Sarah's memoirs, published later, basically confirmed what everyone suspected about their "friendship." Their affair shaped English politics for decades.

INNOVATION LANE SEGMENT

LANE: Innovation time! August 1st, 1774, oxygen was discovered independently by Joseph Priestley in England. Basically, humans finally figured out what that invisible stuff was that kept us alive.

DAVE: It only took us thousands of years to identify the thing we literally can't live without. That's peak human observational skills right there.

LANE: Priestley called it "dephlogisticated air" because 18th-century scientists had the worst naming conventions ever. But discovering oxygen revolutionized chemistry, medicine, and our understanding of life itself.

DAVE: Plus it led to understanding combustion, which improved everything from engines to cooking. Though I bet Priestley never imagined his discovery would eventually lead to oxygen bars in shopping malls.

LANE: Also August 1st, 1981, MTV launched with "Video Killed the Radio Star" by The Buggles, which accidentally predicted its own future irrelevance while revolutionizing music culture.

DAVE: MTV basically invented the concept that musicians had to be visually interesting, not just musically talented. Which explains a lot about the 1980s.

AD BREAK

LANE: Time to talk about The Cheese Store of Beverly Hills, where they've been elevating Los Angeles food culture since 1967.

DAVE: They're still celebrating the return of Bava Brothers, and honestly, if you haven't tried authentic Calabrian sopressata, you're basically doing Italian charcuterie on amateur difficulty.

LANE: Bava Brothers brings four generations of family tradition to every bite. Their sopressata uses heritage pork with Calabrese paprika, fennel seeds, and red pepper - aged for a month and pressed for two weeks using techniques that have been perfected since their great-grandfather's time in Calabria.

DAVE: Their 'Nduja Calabrese spread is basically spicy, spreadable magic. Add it to eggs, pasta, or just eat it with bread while contemplating how every other condiment in your life has been a lie.

LANE: Visit cheesestore.com or their Beverly Hills location. With over 600 imported cheese varieties plus Bava Brothers' triumphant return, your palate is about to discover what authentic Italian flavor actually tastes like.

DAVE: The Cheese Store of Beverly Hills: Where every purchase is an education and every bite is a revelation.

DEEP THOUGHTS BY LANE & DAVE

LANE: Deep thoughts time. Dave, what's August 1st telling us about human nature?

DAVE: August 1st shows that humans are basically discovery machines who accidentally stumble into understanding fundamental truths. We discover oxygen by accident, launch MTV without knowing it'll change music forever, and royal relationships shape entire governments.

LANE: My deep thought is that August 1st proves that personal relationships often have massive public consequences. Whether it's Queen Anne's affair influencing English politics or MTV changing music culture, intimate connections reshape entire societies.

DAVE: So your deep thought is "private relationships create public change"?

LANE: Exactly. Your deep thought is "humans accidentally discover important things while trying to figure out other things."

DAVE: And somehow our random personal drama and accidental discoveries build civilization! It's like we're constantly stumbling forward into progress while being distracted by our feelings.

LANE: That's probably the most accurate description of human advancement ever.

SIGN OFF

LANE: That's August 1st - proving that humans will accidentally revolutionize everything while being completely distracted by their relationships.

DAVE: Thanks for touring history with us! Like, subscribe, and send us your voice memos about meaningful dates.

LANE: Until next time, remember: history is just humans discovering important things while being completely preoccupied with who they're sleeping with.

DAVE: This has been Touring History. I'm Dave.

LANE: I'm Lane.

BOTH: See you in the past!