#237: How Anxious & Avoidant People Differ Around Breakups

#237: How Anxious & Avoidant People Differ Around Breakups

In this episode, we explore one of the most painful dynamics after a breakup: watching your ex seem “fine” while you feel completely unravelled — and the stories that comparison creates. We unpack why anxious and avoidant attachment patterns tend to process breakups so differently, and why those differences don’t mean what you think they mean.

We look at how anxious attachment often shows up as hyperactivation — intense grief, rumination, urgency, and the need to understand what happened — and how avoidant attachment tends to deactivate under stress, sometimes resulting in relief, distraction, or moving on quickly. We also talk about the timing mismatch that can occur, where one person feels everything immediately and the other processes more slowly (or more superficially).

The core takeaway: different coping strategies are not a measure of love, worth, or who cared more. And comparing your internal experience to their outward presentation will only keep you stuck.

In this episode, we cover:

  • Why comparison after a breakup fuels suffering for anxious attachers
  • How hyperactivation and deactivation shape the breakup experience
  • Why relief doesn’t mean they didn’t care
  • The common “timing mismatch” in anxious–avoidant breakups
  • How to shift your focus back to yourself instead of analysing them

If you’re going through a breakup, you can register for my free breakup training here.

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Episoder(278)

#278: How to Navigate Being Triggered by a Partner's Moodiness

#278: How to Navigate Being Triggered by a Partner's Moodiness

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#277: What to Look For in a Long-Term Partner

#277: What to Look For in a Long-Term Partner

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#276: Attachment & Conflict (Part 4): Repairing After Relationship Rupture

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#275: Why You Can't Get Over Your Ex

#275: Why You Can't Get Over Your Ex

In today's episode, we're talking about why you struggle to "get over" your ex. This is something so many people struggle with when it comes to break-ups — feeling like the person who left us still oc...

30 Jul 22min

#274: Attachment & Conflict (Part 3): How to Experience Healthier Conflict

#274: Attachment & Conflict (Part 3): How to Experience Healthier Conflict

Join the Secure Self Challenge hereToday's episode is part 3 of my Attachment & Conflict series, and we're talking all about how to transform the way you do conflict. I'll be sharing general tips and ...

21 Jul 32min

#273: Attachment & Conflict (Part 2): Avoidant Attachment

#273: Attachment & Conflict (Part 2): Avoidant Attachment

Register for the Secure Self Challenge hereIn today's episode, we're talking once again about how attachment patterns shape our experience of conflict in relationships, with a particular focus on avoi...

16 Jul 24min

#272: How to Talk to Your Partner About Their Avoidant Attachment (Ask Steph)

#272: How to Talk to Your Partner About Their Avoidant Attachment (Ask Steph)

Access the replay for the Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviour workshopIn today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the question of: "How do I talk to my partner about their avoidant attachment without...

9 Jul 10min

#271: Fearful Avoidant Attachment: Guidance for Partners (Part 4)

#271: Fearful Avoidant Attachment: Guidance for Partners (Part 4)

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