SS 265: Bi Invisibility & The Closet
Life on the Swingset - The Swinging & Polyamory Podcast30 Okt 2016

SS 265: Bi Invisibility & The Closet

It's no secret that in the pantheon of the LGBT spectrum, bisexual people are looked down upon, told they don't really exist, avoided in dating life. Bisexuals also often feel less pressure to come out, as they can so easily pass as one side or the other. Paradoxically, this leads to bi invisibility and erasure, so we discuss, and make an attempt to deconstruct this in today's episode of Life on the Swingset, along with Dr. Liz Powell, Mike Joseph, Cooper, and Dylan.

Today's episode of Life on the Swingset is sponsored by Better Than the Hand, a website that aims to deconstruct stigma and toxicity surrounding male sexuality and masturbation through articles, blogs, toy reviews, and an online store. We're also sponsored by Castle Megastore, a one stop shop with everything you could want, from wand vibrators, to harnesses, to lube and condoms, to a complete suite of BDSM equipment including sex furniture. If you use the promo code SWINGSET at check out you can save 20% on your order.

National Coming Out Day was a pretty big deal for Cooper this year. He discussed his reasons as coming out, specifically to his conservative family, as someone who has struggled with his sexuality and is still working through it, and why he chose not to identify to them as queer, even though he specifically identifies with queer.

The conversation moves to reasons why not to come out, whether because livelyhood may be jeopardized (as in Dr. Liz's relaying of her experience of being in the army before Don't Ask Don't Tell was fully repealed), or child custody may be revoked, or any other reason to stay in the closet.

Mike posits that many people aren't all open to themselves (as with straight identified men who still seek men), and mentions that even being the out partner in a gay couple has stress that comes with it.

The panel talks specifically about ways that people specifically disappear bisexuality, telling men who identify as bi that they are gay and they haven't admitted it yet (bi now, gay later), or that bisexual people, because so much effort has been exerted to create the separate gay identity that having a bridge between those identities, muddy the waters.

To Dr. Liz, the conflict presents differently as women, that there's a "penis phobia" that can exist so that bi women who have sex with men are tagged as higher risk because there is less transmission risk between women who only have sex with women. Dr. Liz also takes time to lament the fact that before she got her "super stereotypical queer haircut" everyone assumed she was straight, but now that she has it, everyone assumes she's gay!

Mike brings up that at many events he attends, almost every woman identifies as bisexual even though most men identify as straight, even if they later identify as curious or fluid, and that it may be a holdover from the aids crisis in that if you identified as bi or gay you were automatically more likely to get infected. Dr. Liz adds that there's a challenge to masculinity involved, and that men who identify as straight but still fuck men create a safe space to sexually express themselves without the stigma of challenging that masculinity, and that any question as to why that man may marry a woman even if he fucks men doesn't get asked. Dylan brings up that many bi woman in monogamous relationships get the same challenge, and they get questions as to why they "even bother" identifying as bisexual if they're marrying a man, because they'll never get to do anything about their attraction to women. Dr. Liz mentions that bisexuals get misidentified sexually based on the genitals they're interacting with as opposed to their actual preferences.

Dylan asks about the pansexual label, and whether people identifying as pansexual get to skip some of the bisexual stigma or confusion... but gets that thought dismissed as most people outside of the queer community would just not understand what it is. He follows up with a questions about whether bisexual men are seen as, as dangerous as bisexual women are to "the husbands" of straight women in monogamous relationships and... yes. Mike, as a queer man, has had his male friends told by their female partners not to hang out with them or has had his male friends' sexuality questions because of their desire to be friends with him.

Cooper mentions that whenever you present an alternative to traditional heteronormative nonmonogamy to people who actively try not to look into and not think about it, that anyone with predispositions to something other than traditional heteronormative may show interest and that's dangerous.

Dylan compares it to Doctor Who weeping angels and... pretty much stuns everyone into silence, and into a little bit of weeping.

After a break, Dr. Liz discusses ideas to help with bi erasure, whether thinking about the bi celebrities you know (and with say, Anna Paquin being bi but being identified as straight because she's married to a man), and that when you meet someone you really only have one datapoint, and to stay open.

We talk about attraction, and how you don't necessarily need to identify the way your attraction takes you, because it's ok to explore fantasy, explore the juiciness of, and even still decide to act it out without identifying as your attraction.

Fantasy doesn't have to be the same as reality. And your fantasies do not define your sexuality in practice https://t.co/y1WvtgZtx1

— Liz Powell, Psy.D (@sexpospsych) October 26, 2016

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Leave us a comment on this post or at contact@lifeontheswingset.com or leave us a voicemail at 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464). Find Cooper on Twitter @CooperSBeckett, Dylan on Twitter @DylanTheThomas, and Ginger on twitter @GingerNTheProf.

You can Cooper's novel about swinging, A Life Less Monogamous, at alifelessmonogamous.com or his memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory at mylifeontheswingset.com as an ebook, paperback, or audiobook and if you buy them from his sites, use promo code SWINGSET to save 10%!

Today's podcast featured music by:

Cooper S Beckett Dylan Thomas Dr. Liz Powell

Episoder(431)

SS 396: ...what sets us apart, brings us together. - Swingset Takes Desire 2022, Part 1

SS 396: ...what sets us apart, brings us together. - Swingset Takes Desire 2022, Part 1

Swingset is a place, at least that's how we think of it today. We created the Swingset Community for the tenth time at Desire Resort in Cancun, QR, MX, and gathered our attendees to listen to Keeley, Cooper, Ginger, Tonia, Ryan AKA The Professor, and Dylan get together and talk about the trip up until Friday and many… many other things. Set and Setting. The Tepid Tub! Indiana Cooper? Co-Creation. Indomnitable Joy. Consent Violation. Rupture Repair. Community Support Gloryholes. We talk about it all, in part one.   Help support Life on the Swingset continue to make podcasts, and put on live panels and shows into the future! Throw us a dollar (or a few) each time we release an episode on Patreon! Your support will get you invited to a private chat with other Swingsetters, and give you the opportunity to join live podcast recordings, and listen to episodes commercial free, and with outtakes! Leave us a comment on this post or at contact@lifeontheswingset.com or leave us a voicemail at 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464).     Intro Music: Sullivan King & Ray Volpe – The Dead March Outro Music: zensei ゼンセー – spadina 3am

22 Nov 202242min

SS 395: The Trouble with Tribbing, a Sexy Story Share

SS 395: The Trouble with Tribbing, a Sexy Story Share

Ginger, The Professor, Mike Joseph, Tonia, and Dylan get together for a Friday Night Delights recorded on June 25th to share some sexy stories and talk about growing relationships and sharing managing multiple identities, Also… big gong energy and tribbing.   Help support Life on the Swingset continue to make podcasts, and put on live panels and shows into the future! Throw us a dollar (or a few) each time we release an episode on Patreon! Your support will get you invited to a private chat with other Swingsetters, and give you the opportunity to join live podcast recordings, and listen to episodes commercial free, and with outtakes! Leave us a comment on this post or at contact@lifeontheswingset.com or leave us a voicemail at 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464).   Trans children and families are under attack in Texas right now. If you're able, consider donating to:

1 Nov 20221h 2min

SS 394: Camp Swingset Live! - At the Half-Baked Homestead

SS 394: Camp Swingset Live! - At the Half-Baked Homestead

Tonia and Dylan sat down at the Half-Baked Homestead, lovingly put together by Rapunzel, Colin, and Oengus, to talk about what Swingset gatherings mean (if anything) and what we try to do when we put temporary community together. Talk touches on current events – the attack on trans familities rights to exist, a post roe v. wade world, and community relations at their fracture points come up prominently… but talk about accepting and appreciating joy without apologizing for it, and the pleasure of being together, takes over… with commentary from a couple of dogs fighting over a stick. it's Camp Swingset, Live!   Help support Life on the Swingset continue to make podcasts, and put on live panels and shows into the future! Throw us a dollar (or a few) each time we release an episode on Patreon! Your support will get you invited to a private chat with other Swingsetters, and give you the opportunity to join live podcast recordings, and listen to episodes commercial free, and with outtakes! Leave us a comment on this post or at contact@lifeontheswingset.com or leave us a voicemail at 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464).      Trans children and families are under attack in Texas right now. If you're able, consider donating to:           Intro, Interstitial, and Outro Music: helloworld – see str8

1 Aug 20221h 1min

SS 393: Swingset Takes Desire 2021 LIVE in Cancún!

SS 393: Swingset Takes Desire 2021 LIVE in Cancún!

17 Mar 20221h 29min

SS 392: Personal Stories on Changing Intimacy Over the Last Two Years - A Friday Night Delights Conversation with Catherine

SS 392: Personal Stories on Changing Intimacy Over the Last Two Years - A Friday Night Delights Conversation with Catherine

We continue the conversation from SS 388: The Power of Witness in Relationship Therapy, by sliding into how intimacy has changed over the last couple of years. Dylan, Ryan, and Ginger continues to welcome Catherine of Expansive Connection while Tonia joins in on the fun! Also… more love for Gestalt therapy!     Help support Life on the Swingset continue to make podcasts, and put on live panels and shows into the future! Throw us a dollar (or a few) each time we release an episode on Patreon! Your support will get you invited to a private chat with other Swingsetters, and give you the opportunity to join live podcast recordings, and listen to episodes commercial free, and with outtakes! Leave us a comment on this post or at contact@lifeontheswingset.com or leave us a voicemail at 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464).     Trans children and families are under attack in Texas right now. If you're able, consider donating to:           Intro and Outro Music: Stendahl – Austrumi (Extended Mix)

2 Mar 202248min

SS 391: The Desire Mid-Week Check-In, featuring Co-Hosts Mike Joseph and Keeley!

SS 391: The Desire Mid-Week Check-In, featuring Co-Hosts Mike Joseph and Keeley!

We made it to Desire in 2021 and decided to take the temperature of the room… the very, very hot room that we couldn't turn the air conditioning on in because it would have ruined the recording environment. Cooper, Dylan, and Tonia along with guest co-hosts Mike Joseph and Keeley get together and check in with each other, and the attendees, and see what being in Desire in these trying times means to them.   Help support Life on the Swingset continue to make podcasts, and put on live panels and shows into the future! Throw us a dollar (or a few) each time we release an episode on Patreon! Your support will get you invited to a private chat with other Swingsetters, and give you the opportunity to join live podcast recordings, and listen to episodes commercial free, and with outtakes!   Leave us a comment on this post or at contact@lifeontheswingset.com or leave us a voicemail at 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464).   If you've ever listened to us and loved us and enjoyed our guests, or even shaken your fist at us… we ask you to take action in your local communities. Organize. Volunteer. Be Loud. Visit racialequityresourceguide.org to find out where you can start. With links to grassroots organizations, national advocacy organizations, academic institutions, guides and resources, and If you're able please consider donating to: Chicago Community Bond Fund National Bail Out #FreeBlackMamas Brave Space Alliance Intro & Outro Music: Chime – Rainbow Rave Parade

1 Mar 202258min

SS 390: "Things can be messy, but things don't have to be toxic."

SS 390: "Things can be messy, but things don't have to be toxic."

With this episode, we emerge from our reduced pandemic release schedule where our focus was on virtual Swingset community events to connect and sustain us through challenging times, and refocus on the podcast. We invited Eve, Marissa, Celeste, Rose, and Melanie with an intimate conversation about navigating toxic relationships. We're grateful for these five courageous humans for sharing their stories and wisdom so that we can learn from their experiences. -Ginger Bentham -Dylan Thomas Listeners can learn more at itrippedonthepolystair.com. Help support Life on the Swingset continue to make podcasts, and put on live panels and shows into the future! Throw us a dollar (or a few) each time we release an episode on Patreon! Your support will get you invited to a private chat with other Swingsetters, and give you the opportunity to join live podcast recordings, and listen to episodes commercial free, and with outtakes!   Leave us a comment on this post or at contact@lifeontheswingset.com or leave us a voicemail at 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464).   If you've ever listened to us and loved us and enjoyed our guests, or even shaken your fist at us… we ask you to take action in your local communities. Organize. Volunteer. Be Loud. Visit racialequityresourceguide.org to find out where you can start. With links to grassroots organizations, national advocacy organizations, academic institutions, guides and resources, and If you're able please consider donating to: Chicago Community Bond Fund National Bail Out #FreeBlackMamas Brave Space Alliance Intro Music: Throttle feat. NICOLOSI – Heroes (Skies Remix)

6 Jul 20211h 18min

SS 389: Nerdy Banter with Simone and Malcolm – The Pragmatist's Guide to Sexuality

SS 389: Nerdy Banter with Simone and Malcolm – The Pragmatist's Guide to Sexuality

Join Dylan, Ryan aka Prof, and Ginger in a nerdy discussion about sexuality data and human behavior. Simone and Malcolm Collins, the authors of The Pragmatist's Guide series, take to the Swingset to talk all manner of intriguing and confounding sexiness. Leave us a comment on this post or at contact@lifeontheswingset.com or leave us a voicemail at 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464). If you've ever listened to us and loved us and enjoyed our guests, or even shaken your fist at us… we ask you to take action in your local communities. Organize. Volunteer. Be Loud. Visit racialequityresourceguide.org to find out where you can start. With links to grassroots organizations, national advocacy organizations, academic institutions, guides and resources, and If you're able please consider donating to: Chicago Community Bond Fund National Bail Out #FreeBlackMamas Brave Space Alliance Intro Music: Duumu and Meggie York – Never Had Interstitial Music: Nitro fun – System Failure Our Sportsheets Advertisements featured music from Poolhouse Ltd from their album: NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL VAPORWAVE! HOME COMPUTING – HOTLINE Internet Archive – O N L I N E pacintosh mlus – c r y s t a l p e p s i These tracks are licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) license.

1 Mar 20211h 30min

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