Delusions Expectations Turning Point

The drive to dinner felt surreal. From my passenger seats I saw the taillights of a fancy car. I wanted to dream big and imagine that I could also drive that car but I felt it's too early to dream big and I tried to vanquish this dream then it dawned on me. I started to tremble, tears poured out of my eyes and streamed down my cheeks in strange ways. I'm used to tears flowing down my jaws but this time they were flowing towards my earlobes. I wasn't frowning but I was smiling and pouring tears of joy. Getting this Realtor license meant tremendous, and I don't mean making the money. It helped me finally closed certain childhood wounds. My mother has long fed into me with the idea that I should do real estate. I helped her during a few open houses when I was still in Highschool. But the mother and son relationship is deeper than the oceans and I rebelled against her dreams and never pursuited RE. I was on a very strong antipsychotic medicine for 8 years to suppress tics from Tourette's syndrome. I took the med from age 12 to 20. The med stopped some tics but also created many new tics. Also the med carried hefty psychological side effects like hallucination and depression, by the time I was in college the med was pushing me to kill myself but I was also so depended on it. I stopped the meds but I was already messed up. All these years I unconsciously suppressed myself, sabotaged opportunities, and killed many dreams. Recently the lie I was holding can no longer hold the weight of the world. My fantasy is caving on me and just earlier today I felt like I was in another downward spiral. I tried this RE license 3 times. I dropped out of the online courses but I wanted to prove to my family that in-person class works. I cried to the sky and thought about the prayers I made at mom's colorful autumn resting place. Nobody in my house ever reminded me to study more but I seems to always feel I haven't studied enough. Many believed in me but I was unable to see myself clearly. To be able to pass both exams all on the first try was beyond my wildest imagination but I did it. Ever since those days of cramming for SAT preparations while managing my tics, ADHD OCD and the horrible hallucinations from the medication yet unable to break 1000, not even once traumatized me. Ever since then I often draw myself the conclusion that I will never be able to pass a test because I have learning disability. My dad thinks I lack persistence and resiliency but I remind him that every week I pull myself out of the deepest depressive quicksand and continue to push forward. This is huge accomplishment for me. This feels like a total catharsis, spiritual cleansing. I feel the healing. My kids said they've never seen daddy this happy before. For very long time I was highly fearful of the question about my 5 years plan. Suddenly I can now see light at end of the tunnel.