I Broke My Own Heart When I Ended It

When you're the other woman and you're the one who ends it, you're not just grieving him. You're grieving the life you imagined and never got to live. And that can be so much more heartbreaking than grieving what actually was.

This is the third episode in a row that goes hand in hand — first being worthy of someone who can be with you 100% of the time, then getting fed up with yourself enough to make the change, and now the part nobody warns you about: what happens after you make it. The rebuilding. The grief that comes in ten directions at once. You lose a best friend, a lover, a confidant, someone you spent years of your life with. And on top of all of it, you lose the fantasy. The moving in together. The being introduced to his friends and family. The being his plus one out loud. All the moments you built in your head and were quietly waiting for. You end up sad about something that never even happened.

I get into why he was never going to be the one to end it. Why would he? He was getting everything he needed from you and it cost him nothing. So you had to be the one. You had to break your own heart to take your life back. I talk about no contact and why it isn't optional, about limerence and how fast these relationships pull you under, and about the fact that I still call mine a real relationship — he had an all-access pass to my whole life, my family, my friends — and I know exactly what it was and exactly what it wasn't.

Underneath the waiting for him to choose you is the belief that when love is enough, you'll finally be enough. You already were. You were always enough. A tiny fraction of these ever work out, and the way out is choosing yourself over him, breaking your own heart, and trusting that the life on the other side is better than the one you were waiting for. Mine is. I'm obsessed with it.

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