Stop Coaching Your Spouse When They're Upset

Has your spouse ever come to you hurt, and instead of hearing them out, you corrected how they said it?

We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves.

Once you start learning relationship tools, you start noticing every time your spouse isn't using them. And then it's so tempting to point it out. "That's a complaint, not a request." "You're being defensive." "Can you just give me one example?" You might even be right. But to someone who's already hurting, it sounds like you're grading their delivery, and that starts a whole new fight.

This week we share a Sunday morning that started with a surprise breakfast from our daughter and ended with Sharla coaching Robert from the shower, bubbles still in her hair. It involves a cat, three upholstered dining chairs, and a good rule used at exactly the wrong moment. Then we walk through three simple steps for when your spouse is upset and it's coming out messy.

In this episode:

• How one cat and three upholstered chairs started the whole thing
• Why "just use a different chair" landed as a brush-off
• What happened when Sharla coached Robert from the shower
• Right rule, wrong role: when good communication advice becomes a correction
• Why learning the tools can make you see every mistake your spouse makes
• The customer service window from episode 180, and the "toaster" Sharla almost handed back
• Gottman's research on repair attempts, and why the same words can repair or correct
• Three steps: take off your coaching hat, own your part, ask them to help you understand
• When (and how) to talk about their delivery later, as a page from your operating manual

A place to start this week: The next time your spouse comes to you upset and it's coming out sideways, skip the coaching and try Robert's line: "I can tell you're upset. Can you help me understand?"

We're building a new program for couples and we'd love to hear from you before we finish it. If you can handle almost anything life throws at you but home is the place that feels hard, grab a 30 to 60 minute confidential conversation with us (not a sales call) at https://masteryourmarriage.us/research

Want private coaching for the two of you? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us

Related episodes:

• Ep 180: Why You Get Defensive When Your Spouse Is Upset https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/relational-maturity-how-to-hear-a-complaint-without-getting-defensive
• Ep 182: How to Ask Your Spouse for What You Want (Without Starting a Fight) https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/how-to-ask-your-spouse-for-what-you-want-without-starting-a-fight
• Ep 132: The Science of Repair in Relationships https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/the-science-of-repair-in-relationships

Resources mentioned:

• Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy: https://www.terryreal.com
• The Gottman Institute on repair attempts: https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/

Find us: https://masteryourmarriage.us

Instagram @masteryourmarriage

Email: masteryourmarriage@gmail.com