#284 - Healing Relationships

Becoming a Family: The Greatest Adventure of All Nothing can quite prepare you for the realities of parenthood. Life with babies and small children is, for most couples, a total shock to the system. As joyful and meaningful as this stage of life is, it can be very difficult. If you aren't thoughtful and intentional about what you're doing, parenthood can quickly become a chaotic, frustrating experience -- and take a huge toll on your marriage. As a marriage counselor, I'm always thrilled when smart, proactive couples show up for premarital counseling. My only wish is that more would show up for "pre-baby counseling." Because having a baby is a much bigger deal, emotionally and relationally, than getting hitched. Unfortunately, there is no such thing. Do a quick google search and about the only thing you find about "preparing for a baby" has to do with fitness, nutrition, and the ocean of baby-gear that you could acquire.  Having kids changes everything, but it's hard to imagine what those changes will be until you actually do it. Most couples experience challenges that never occurred to them were even possible, while they were spending leisurely days shopping for baby furniture and talking about how much fun family fishing trips will be. (Or were consumed with riding the rollercoaster of protracted infertility).  From the first day that little bundle is home, they are both faced with needing to make major changes around everything from they way they communicate, to expectations about what should be happening, to a higher need for teamwork, to establishing new systems so everything runs smoothly, to what role they each take with each other and as parents. Sprinkle in some anxiety, post part depression, sleep deprivation, no game plan, and a screaming baby and it can get tense pretty fast. It's a major life transition, and a lot to deal with. And if you just let it go, and hope for the best it's quite possible to become a statistical average and not enjoy the experience that that much. Research on marital satisfaction over the family life cycle has shown that there is a trend towards lower enjoyment of married life after having kids.  Here's the depressing graph: www.growingself.com/parenting-without-losing-your-mind-yourself-or-your-marriage  Parenting Together CAN Be Joyful That graph does not have to be YOUR reality. You are not a statistical average. You are a person with free will, choices, and you're already taking control over the situation by educating yourself. You get to be in charge of your life, and your family experience.  I'm here as a wife, mom, and marriage and family therapist to tell you that life with kids doesn't have to be difficult, and it does not need to negatively impact your marriage. In fact, if you put even half as much time into figuring out your post-baby game plan (and your own personal growth opportunities) as you do into childbirth preparation classes you can avoid many of the most common pitfalls of new parents.  Embracing the opportunities to grow that this phase of life offers will expand you. Parenthood is truly a vehicle to personal evolution. Even more importantly, when you intentionally grow skills in a few key areas you can cultivate a stronger marriage than you had pre-baby: You can have better communication, stronger agreement, more teamwork, and more fun than ever before. Except that it can be even more meaningful, important, and love drenched -- and probably messier -- that you ever imagined. On this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'm going to be sharing some tips about where to where to start if you want to have a peaceful home, a strong marriage, great communication, easy kids, be on the same page with your partner, and have a shared vision for your family that is rooted in your core values. All the best,  Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

6 Jun 201649min

Sometimes Leaping ForwardRequires Letting Go... As a Life Coach and Executive Coach I talk to a lot of drivengo-getters. My clients often have an insatiable appetite forconstant-and-never-ending growth, achievement, andself-improvement. They are truly amazing, talented, and incrediblysuccessful people with an unquenchable thirst for forward progressand success. Does this sound like you, too? First of all: Thankyou. The world as we know it exists because of peoplelike you. Your motivation, your drive, your vision, and youroptimism are the psychic fuel that runs the engines of ourcivilization. Thank you for being you. And... If you are like most strong,naturally driven and forward-focused people there are also not-funtimes when your motivation leaves the building, your energyflags, your focus becomes diffuse, and your wheels spin. And spin.And spin. And for naturally focused, driven, achievement orientedpeople that "down time" can be a very anxiety provoking experience.In fact, many of my Life Coaching and Executive Coaching clients show up for help when theyhave this experience, because they feel like something is wrong.They've lost their sparkle, and their clear sense ofpurpose.  There is a novel solution torecharge your passion, restore your creativity, and usher in a newphase of productivity and purpose. But the paradoxical remedy mightsurprise you. What to Do When YourGet-Up-And-Go Has Got-Up-And-Went:Listen now...   xo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.growingself.com Music Credits: I Live inThe Springtime, by The Lemon Drops

2 Mai 201637min

Breakup Advice: Your Questions, Answered I've been a marriage counselor for a long time. My experience has taught me that when both people in a relationship are committed to doing what it takes to improve it, relationships can nearly always be made whole. Even better, most couples can use their troubles as a launching pad for amazing new growth. At the end of the process, believe it or not, they often describe feeling grateful for the problems that brought them into marriage counseling because their transformation would not have been possible without them. That's the happy ending. And. Not all relationships can be saved. Not all relationships should be saved. When one or both partners have simply stopped believing that the other person can be who they want or need them to be, and the costs of staying outweigh the benefits, relationships end. Often, in the aftermath, one partner will be left alone on my therapy-couch. Then we do the work of recovery together. That's how I accidentally became a break up expert. (And a dating coach, incidentally). What I learned through this work is that people can suffer for a very long time; stuck on an Ex who will never love them the way they need to be loved. I also learned that attachments don't just turn off like a switch. Breaking your bond to another person is very hard work, and it must be intentional. Time does not heal. Time + intentional effort + self awareness sure can though. When I realized how many people are suffering, and feeling so helpless to extract themselves from unhealthy emotional attachments, I became a passionate advocate for people on the path of recovery from failed relationships. So much so that I wrote a book on the subject, "Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to An Ex Love," and I developed my online breakup recovery program, "Heal Your Broken Heart." Since then I've been getting lots of questions from readers and listeners. Today, I decided to devote a podcast to answering them. On this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, we're talking all about breakups -- particularly how to deal with the hardest parts, and serious dilemmas like: How do you know when a relationship is really over, or whether it's worth trying again? How to handle  friends and family who may be getting frustrated with you in an on-again, off-again type situation? Or how to set boundaries with well-meaning people who have very definite ideas about how you should handle things, when you feel differently? How to deal with the enormous emotional pain of a breakup? How to cope with regret over the mistakes you made that may have led to the ending of your relationship? So if you've been stuck on your Ex for too long, and wondering how to let go, listen to this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast to get some new ideas and guidance for how to let go and move on --- for good. All the best, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.growingself.com

29 Feb 201656min

Lonely Valentine's Days aren't just for singles... Valentine's Day can be a fun, romantic day. But it can also leave people feeling exquisitely lonely -- especially, believe it or not, if they are in long-term relationships. We've all heard the arguments that Valentine's Day is a manufactured holiday, designed to manipulate people into spending their money. But what I have found to be more true is that people love to love. They love to celebrate their love. They love to feel cherished and appreciated. And they really want to feel loved, celebrated, cherished, and appreciated on Valentine's Day -- by the person who means more to them than anyone else in the world. Particularly when relationships have been feeling challenging, many people hope that Valentine's Day can be a day for recognition, reconnection, and reunion. That the love that launched their life together can be breathed back into a cozy fire by a little effort and specialness. (And it certainly can). And... many married people have hopes that do not come to fruition on Valentine's Day. Instead of feeling like they day was a celebration of their love for each other: They don't feel loved and cherished. Or They don't feel valued and respected. Or They don't feel known, or understood. Or They are frustrated by radically different ideas of what would be fun / meaningful to do on Valentine's Day. Or They try to have a good time, but old friction points, conflicts, and resentments bubble up to spoil it. Ick. When these things happen couples can feel very, very lonely on THE DAY that it seems like everyone else in the world is celebrating their love. Even if things are "good-enough" most of the time, and longing for connection is lost in the day-to-day flurry of must-do activities and chores, a lonely Valentine's Day can still feel like a real blow. It's hard to live through this, but here is the good news: Being dissatisfied with the way things are is the definition of motivation. All couples have ups and downs. Being more aware of your feelings is the first step towards making positive changes in your life, and in your relationship. Are YOU feeling ready to make changes? Do you want to feel connected, and in-love again? Help is here: On this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'm sharing my top 10 tips to help you re-establish your romantic connection. Feeling Lonely In Your Marriage? 10 Tips To Reconnect. Listen Now. Music Credits: "Valentine," by The Losers

16 Feb 201639min

Are "money issues" a problem in your relationship? If so, you're not alone. Fights about money -- how to spend it, how to save it, and how to make it -- are common battlegrounds in a marriage. Why so much drama? Money is emotionally laden for most people. Money is ultimately a symbol that can mean security, freedom, pleasure, power, love, and more. When it means different things to two people in a relationship -- look out. The sparks fly when couples have different values around money. "He's a cheapskate." (Translation: I don't feel loved.) "She spends every dime." (Translation: Doesn't she care about our security? Or how hard I work?) "All he/she does is work." (Translation: I don't feel important.) "I can't believe you spent so much on _____." (Translation: I don't understand you.) "Where did it all go??" (Translation: This is scary. I feel alone in this.) When left unchecked, "money issues" can bloom into very ugly emotional dynamics: Power struggles. Hiding spending, or debt. Negative beliefs about each other's character. Increasing hostility and emotional distance. Money problems must be resolved. Get on The Same Page About Finances The good news is that creating agreement and teamwork around finances is a solvable problem. All couples have to work through differences around money as part of growing together. This doesn't have to be stressful or conflictual. It's just a matter of learning new skills -- together. In fact, the most successful couples have developed a set of skills about how to manage money together. (Just like they have learned about other critical relationship skills). Learning how to talk about money, make a plan for money, and support each other's financial hopes and dreams is one of the cornerstones of a happy healthy marriage. Financial Counseling For Couples On today's episode of the Love, Happiness and Success podcast I'm so pleased to be speaking with expert couples financial counselor Jeff Motske on this subject. Jeff is the author of Couples Guide to Financial Compatibility, and the host of the "Declare Your Financial Freedom" radio show. Listen to our interview to learn how to: How to use Jeff's free online quiz: War of the Wallets to learn more about each other's "money personality" Have productive conversations about money How to create a workable budget How to develop a "solid financial house" together And how to set yourself financially free, as a couple. Financial Counseling For Couples: Listen Now

10 Feb 201643min

It's Not Just You: Online Dating Can Be Brutal Profiles that don't get any attention. Endless texting that doesn't go anywhere. First dates that fizzle. It's hard to avoid all the potential pitfalls on your own. It's anxiety provoking to put yourself out there and either hear chirping crickets, or endure a series disappointing experiences. There is a reason why dating coaching has become a multi-million dollar industry in the last few years -- NOBODY knows what they are doing when it comes to online dating. That's why so many people are turning to dating coaching experts to help them figure it out. As we've discussed on previous podcasts, for successful online dating you need to have CLARITY, INTENTION, and a darn good STRATEGY. There's no better person to take online dating advice from my guest on today's episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast: The world-famous online dating coach Julie Spira. For over 20 years, Julie Spira has been helping singles find love online. She teaches singles how to shorten their search, so they can ride into the digital sunset together. She’s the bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Julie is a frequent guest in the media for online and mobile dating advice. She’s appeared in over 650 stories including ABC, BBC, CBS, CNN, FOX, NBC, NPR, Good Morning America, Elle, Glamour, Men’s Health, New York Times, Washington Post, and USAToday. Follow her on Twitter, @JulieSpira, where she tweets about dating and love. She’s here as our guest today to talk about the hot topic of online dating and mobile dating apps and the new audio book version of her bestseller. Listen to our interview and hear Julie's top tips about how to make your online profile irresistible, convert first texts into first dates, and connect with the love you're looking for. Want more of Julie's tips? Links to her website are in our show notes for this episode: www.growingself.com/the-secret-to-finding-love-online-with-julie-spira The Secret to Finding Love Online, with Julie Spira: Listen Now

1 Feb 201656min

Harness The Power of Your Mind Do you ever get frustrated with yourself for not doing the things you know you should do? Of course! We all know how incredibly hard it can be to stay motivated, and stay on track for the long haul. You only need to look at what a huge industry Life Coaching has become to see how many hundreds of thousands of people are enlisting the support of a coach to help them stay motivated, stay accountable, and make things happen. There is a reason why people reach out to life coaches: It can be tough to stay on track and follow through when you're going it alone. However, there are things that you can do on your own to take charge of your life, and achieve your goals. In particular, when you get in control of your mind you can transcend limitations and overcome obstacles that may have seemed insurmountable before. Your Mind + Body connection is undeniably powerful. Research consistently shows the impact that your physical health, diet, exercise and sleep habits has on your mood and on the way you think. But it works the other way too -- cognitive approaches to therapy have been found by research to be the most consistently effective way of improving your mood, feeling better, sleeping better, and getting better results. [Tweet "When you get in control of your thoughts, you get in control of your life. "] Learn How to Get In Control Of Your Mind Being able to harness the power of your mind isn't about luck or magic. Just like happiness is learned you can also learn how to use simple skills and strategies to build your motivation, resist the temptations that will lure you off track, and achieve your goals. My guest on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, Sir John Hargrave, is here to teach you how. Sir John is the author of Mindhacking: How to Change Your Mind For Good in 21 Days. I spoke with Sir John a few months ago before he released his book. In our "Mindhacking: Reprogram Your Brain" podcast he discussed tools and tips you can use to "debug" your brain and straighten out your thinking process. Today, he's back to share his latest adventures and advice with us. To prove how powerful his mind control techniques are, Sir John just undertook a 21 day fast. He's here today to speak with us about the mental ju-jitsu he used on himself to accomplish this goal. He's sharing his insights with you, so YOU can use similar strategies to make things happen in your own life. Listen to Sir John's great, specific advice and learn how to increase your motivation, your focus, and your sense of control. Learn more about Sir John and his book, his program, and his latest adventures in mind control at www.mindhacki.ng Take Control of Your Life: Listen Now (Was this helpful? If so please be sure to review the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast on iTunes. And don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss out on upcoming episodes!)

25 Jan 201639min

Do you know what you need to do... but then don't do it? Here's some free advice from a Life Coach: Setting goals and making plans are necessary to achieve your dreams. But your success will ultimately hinge upon your ability to do what you know you need to do consistently. And -- here's the hard part -- even when you don't feel like it. One of the biggest things the Life Coaches do, as a matter of fact, is help people stay motivated. Having an accountability partner, and someone expecting you to do your homework rallies your motivation. Something about doing things "just for yourself" leaves you vulnerable to the opposite of motivation -- which is being comfy, and indulging instant gratification. (Trust me, I know -- it happens to me too). If you're like most people, it's a challenge to stay motivated for the long term. Even though we logically know what needs to happen, it's like there's this imp that pulls us off track. "The Imp" loves being comfy. It wants to do whatever feels good right now. It whispers excuses in your ears like, "Just watch one more episode" when you know you need to go to bed. It promises, "We'll exercise tomorrow!" when know you need to get your butt to the gym instead of tapping-to-snooze nine more times. And -- as you know -- it is very, very powerful. If you're like most people you started the new year with some firm plans in place. You were ready for a fresh start. You were hopeful about making positive changes this year. And, if you're like most people, since then you've had time to notice the war inside of you that happens when you are trying to stay motivated: Your head pulling you in one direction, and "The Imp" pulling you in another. If you're like most people, "The Imp" has had a few wins since New Year's Eve... and may even be well on it's way to throttling your motivation back into apathetic acceptance of the status quo. In other words: You're already in the danger zone. Developing a new kind of relationship with the forces inside of you and learning how to keep your motivation strong (and your "Imp" in it's place) is absolutely crucial if you want to make things happen in your life. It's the core of the work you do in Love, Life or Career Coaching. (Read: What's the difference between Life Coaching and Therapy?) We started this year off by reflecting on your strengths and accomplishments, connecting with your core values, and thinking about what kinds of positive action would actually move the needle for you this year. (Missed it? Listen to the "Start 2016 Strong" podcast, and don't forget to sign up for your self-study worksheet.) Now it's time to work on building the motivation that will actually get you there. On episode 64 of The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'm discussing how to get a handle on instant gratification, and how to keep your motivation firmly in charge. How to Stay Motivated: Listen Now While you're on iTunes listening, don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast. Also, if you like the it would mean the world to me if you left a review saying so -- YOUR support is what helps this show grow! Now, let's talk: Self awareness is key to mastering motivation. What's your first clue that Instant Gratification is taking over? How do YOU get motivation back in charge? Discussion time is in the comments! www.growingself.com/how-to-stay-motivated (Music Credits: Ray Rude, "Transform")

18 Jan 201633min