110:  The Beastie Boys' Worst Nightmare (The Lock-In (2014))
Apocrypals30 Okt 2023

110: The Beastie Boys' Worst Nightmare (The Lock-In (2014))

Happy Halloween, The-AHHH!-philoi! As is our tradition here on the show, we're spending the spookiest day of the year looking at texts involving haints and saints! Sort of! We're pushing the definition of "texts" and "haints" to their absolute limits by watching the 2014 evangelical horror (?) film (?), The Lock-In, in which a supervised slumber party at church becomes an existential nightmare due to the presence of a haunted adult magazine.

No, really. That's what the movie is about.

Topics of Discussion: Sex is Wacko (But Not Right Now For Teens), an empty field with fire and Danhausen, Benito: a lonely fan of corn, a bonus review of Journey to Hell (2022), Vegeta's cool shirt, approved uses of oils, puppet ministries, Nick's Mom/Atom Bomb, the purple box as metaphor, the Jared Leto of Christian Horror, the most adult magazines, The Apocrypals Solve Theodicy... Again!, a second "What the Frick?"

Hymnal: "Monster Smash" By Altégo

Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown.

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

Episoder(126)

69: Thirst Corinthians (The Lives of St. Mary of Egypt and St. Pelagia)

69: Thirst Corinthians (The Lives of St. Mary of Egypt and St. Pelagia)

Under normal circumstances, Theophiloi, ladytype saints tend to become so by not having any adult fun at all and then calling Jesus lightning down on man-eating seals or exploding and teleporting thei...

26 Jul 20201h 45min

68: Scent of a Jesus (The First, Second, and Third Apocryphal Apocalypses of John)

68: Scent of a Jesus (The First, Second, and Third Apocryphal Apocalypses of John)

Welcome to your Not-So-Dirty Thirties, Theophiloi! For as it is written, in the New Jerusalem, we will all be at the age where it's time to start thinking about getting an IRA, and realizing that we c...

12 Jul 20201h 36min

67: Bad Things to Call Your Mother (The Book of Bartholomew)

67: Bad Things to Call Your Mother (The Book of Bartholomew)

Having a bad day, Theophiloi? I mean, yes, of course you are, we all are in These Unprecedented Times. But hey, let's look on the bright side! At least angels aren't poking out your eyes, cutting out ...

28 Jun 20201h 27min

66: JeSuS With Two Cool Ses (The Acts of Thomas and his Wonderworking Skin)

66: JeSuS With Two Cool Ses (The Acts of Thomas and his Wonderworking Skin)

Pack your bags, Theophiloi, because we're going on a trip to India with Thomas, the Second Christ, who works hard and flays harder. Thanks to Dr. Tony Burke and his new book, New Testament Apocrypha V...

14 Jun 20201h 17min

65: Adonai is Ichiban! (The Book of Deuteronomy)

65: Adonai is Ichiban! (The Book of Deuteronomy)

Can you believe we're stuck in this elevator together, Theophiloi? I guess there's nothing we can do but pass the time with the clip show episode of Torah while we wait for the power to come back on. ...

3 Jun 20201h 51min

64: Spiritual Warfare Is Good, Actually (Bible Adventures and the Wisdom Tree catalogue)

64: Spiritual Warfare Is Good, Actually (Bible Adventures and the Wisdom Tree catalogue)

It's our Nintendo 64th episode, Theophiloi, so we're taking a break from our usual Book study to dive into the least canonical Bible-adjace content we can! Not approved by the church, not approved by ...

18 Mai 20201h 50min

63: Wist Not To Whom Ne Whither (The Lives of St. Roche and St. Guinefort)

63: Wist Not To Whom Ne Whither (The Lives of St. Roche and St. Guinefort)

You know who doesn't come off very well in Bible, Theophiloi? Dogs. This week, though, our canine pals get a little bit of redemption as we dive into the hagiographies of two sterling examples of Son ...

6 Mai 20201h 39min

62: Oh, the Jews' Manatees! (The Book of Numbers)

62: Oh, the Jews' Manatees! (The Book of Numbers)

One thing you have to say for the Book of Numbers, Theophiloi: it is exactly what it says in the title. Well, most of it is, anyway. Mixed in with all the census totals and step-by-step MapQuest direc...

19 Apr 20201h 37min

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