Anxious and Avoidant in Relationship: The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic

Anxious and Avoidant in Relationship: The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic

We all have different needs for closeness and distance, for intimacy and independence. You might have heard terms like anxious or avoidant attachment to describe this, and these tendencies can create challenges - particularly when people with different needs try to relate to each other. In this episode, Dr. Rick and Forrest explore why we're drawn to people who activate our insecurities, how anxiety manifests differently in "pursuers" versus "distancers," and what we can all do to work with our natural tendencies more skillfully. They discuss common relationship patterns, why pursuers usually receive more blame than distancers, schizoid personalities, and practical ways to break free from entrenched patterns. Rick’s Yearly Program: Rick’s Foundations of Well-Being 2.0 is a year-long, science-backed journey through developing 12 key inner strengths like mindfulness, motivation, and confidence. It’s currently on sale, and if you like Being Well we think you’ll love it. Follow the link here and use coupon code beingwell20 for an additional 20% off: RickHanson.com/FWB You can watch this episode on YouTube. Key Topics: 0:00: Introduction 2:00: Key characteristics of pursuers and distancers 9:25: Demands and reassurance 13:35: Assigning blame, and gender stereotypes 20:40: Why opposites attract, the power of small wins, and changing ourselves 31:15: The distancer 40:45: Finding motivation to identify common ground with our partner 54:30: The pursuer 1:00:00: Self-consciousness and ego 1:02:10: Brave questions to ask in your relationship 1:07:00: Recap I am now writing on Substack, check out my work there. Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Sponsors Use promo code hanson at the link below to get an exclusive 60% off an annual plan at incogni.com/hanson. Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/beingwell. Get 15% off OneSkin with the code BEINGWELL at https://www.oneskin.co/ #oneskinpod Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month! Transform your health with the ZOE Science & Nutrition podcast. Find it wherever you listen to podcasts. Connect with the show: Subscribe on iTunes Follow Forrest on YouTube Follow us on Instagram Follow Forrest on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Visit Forrest's website Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Episoder(462)

The Self-Abandonment Loop: Shame, Self-Criticism, and How to Break Free

The Self-Abandonment Loop: Shame, Self-Criticism, and How to Break Free

Why is it so hard for us to do what we actually want to do? In this episode, Forrest explains the hidden structure of self-abandonment: how shame drives the loop, how the loop produces more shame, and...

23 Mar 1h 20min

Trauma in Relationships: What Actually Helps with Elizabeth Ferreira

Trauma in Relationships: What Actually Helps with Elizabeth Ferreira

Forrest is joined by associate therapist and his fiancée Elizabeth Ferreira for an honest, personal conversation about what it's actually like to be in a relationship when one partner is living with t...

16 Mar 1h 8min

Family Systems Theory: The Invisible Force That Runs Your Relationships

Family Systems Theory: The Invisible Force That Runs Your Relationships

Have you ever walked back into your parents' house and suddenly felt like you'd downloaded an old version of yourself? In today’s episode, Dr. Rick and Forrest explain why through one of the most infl...

9 Mar 1h 23min

The Comfort Trap with Michael Easter

The Comfort Trap with Michael Easter

Forrest is joined by journalist and author Michael Easter to discuss how we can make our lives better by making them (the right kind of) harder. They start with one of modern life’s paradoxes: things ...

2 Mar 1h 17min

The Freeze-Shame Loop, Therapy Speak, and "Everyone Has ADHD": February Mailbag

The Freeze-Shame Loop, Therapy Speak, and "Everyone Has ADHD": February Mailbag

Dr. Rick and Forrest answer listener questions about the freeze state, ADHD, and power imbalances in relationships. First, they talk about how to deal with feelings of shame associated with the freeze...

23 Feb 1h 7min

Codependency and Healthy Dependency with Nedra Glover Tawwab

Codependency and Healthy Dependency with Nedra Glover Tawwab

Protect your peace, set boundaries, don't let people drain your energy…there’s a lot of advice like that, and it’s easy to take it a little too far. Therapist and bestselling author Nedra Glover Tawwa...

16 Feb 1h 15min

Reducing Reactivity (Without Becoming a Doormat) with Sharon Salzberg

Reducing Reactivity (Without Becoming a Doormat) with Sharon Salzberg

What is mindfulness really? According to one fourth-grader, "Not hitting someone in the mouth." Legendary meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg joins Rick and Forrest to discuss how we can work skillfull...

9 Feb 1h 10min

Fixing vs. Feeling: How to Get on the Same Team with Elizabeth Ferreira

Fixing vs. Feeling: How to Get on the Same Team with Elizabeth Ferreira

Forrest and somatic therapist Elizabeth Ferreira explore a common source of relationship conflict: the mismatch between “fixing” (moving quickly into problem-solving) and “feeling” (wanting attunement...

2 Feb 1h

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