55: The 36 Questions that May Lead to Love… and the Other 36 to Stay in Love

In 1997, psychologists Arthur Aron and Elaine Aron published the results of a study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin exploring how emotional intimacy between strangers could be accelerated through structured vulnerability. Their method? A series of 36 questions, divided into three sets that become increasingly personal—and it worked.

The list became more widely known in 2015 when writer Mandy Len Catron shared her experience with the questions in her viral New York Times article, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This.” She tried the questions herself—and fell in love.

But what happens after you fall in love?

We recently revisited the original 36 questions as a couple, and while we loved the experience, we felt there were some essential conversations these questions didn't cover, especially if you’re planning to live together, share a life, or deepen a long-term relationship .

The result...our own follow-up list: The Other 36 Questions You Need to Ask to Stay in Love

These are questions we believe every couple (or triad, or quad!) should ask—regardless of how you identify across the spectrum of monogamy to non-monogamy.

Here’s what we felt was missing—and what we intentionally added:

• 🩺 Health & Safety: Physical and emotional safety, mental health, STI conversations, trauma history, and comfort with firearms in the home.

• 💰 Money & Lifestyle: Attitudes toward debt, sharing finances, who pays for what, and what fairness looks like.

• 💬 Communication & Conflict: Not just can you talk about hard things—but how you do it.

• ❤️ Relationships, Intimacy & Vulnerability: Relationship style, love languages, attachment and honest

• 💋 Sex, Desire & Kinks: Real talk about pleasure, fantasy, limits, and how sexuality evolves over time.

• 🏡 Habits & Everyday Stuff: Morning routines, animals in bed, bodily quirks.

• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Family & Culture: Navigating traditions, holidays and family

• 🌍 Life Experience & Growth: Travel, independence, firsts, and life lessons as a lens for compatibility.

In this episode, we share our experience answering the original 36 questions together, highlight a few of our favourite prompts and how we answered them, and introduce you to our full list of additions—including why we believe they matter!

📝 Free Resource: We created a downloadable one-pager with all 72 questions—the original 36 plus our “Other 36”—grouped by theme, so you can explore them at your own pace.
https://worksheet.letstalkpolyamory.com/36plus36questions

Whether you're starting something new or rekindling a long-term relationship, these questions are a powerful way to build deeper intimacy, open honest conversations, and get to know your partner(s) on a whole new level.

Show Resources:

• The 36 Questions that May Lead To Love + T&A’s Other 36 Questions You Need to Ask to Stay in Love Download - https://worksheet.letstalkpolyamory.com/36plus36questions

• Gottman: The 5 to 1 Relationship Ratio - https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
• Looking for support but want to do it at your own pace? Check out our Poly Newbies Digital Course - https://courses.letstalkpolyamory.com/polynewbiescourse
• Book a complimentary coaching consultation call with Tara at: ⁠https://go.taraandandre.com/relationshiprescue⁠
• Email André to arrange a complimentary therapy consultation at: ⁠andreturcottepsych@gmail.com⁠
• Let’s Talk Polyamory Facebook Group & Community - ⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/groups/letstalkpoly⁠⁠⁠
• Join the waitlist and be the first to find out when our Little Book of Poly Love is out with all the HOT words from A-Z! ⁠⁠https://go.letstalkpolyamory.com/polylovebook-waitlist⁠