020 – I Don’t Silence Julie Anymore

Michelle says growing up she felt very different from her adoptive family because she looked completely different from them. When she was a teen she embarked on a voyage to reunite with her birth mother, traveling back to the UK where she was born. Seeking some of the basic answers to her identity and acceptance by her biological mother, her trip was going great, until the neighbor came over and asked who Michelle was. What happened next became a pivotal moment in Michelle’s quest to discover herself.

But the acceptance and love that Michelle was looking for were still out there and they came from a person that she didn’t even know existed. She located her half brother in Spain, and was able to he relay the final emotions of their dying father, bringing some peace to Michelle.

The post 020 – I Don’t Silence Julie Anymore appeared first on Who Am I...Really? Podcast.

Michelle (00:03):

And climbed back as a teen. I just remembered, I don't know how to do this, but I know that these people aren't the ones to give me my truth and I'm either gonna find it myself or I'm gonna die not knowing, and I wasn't willing to live a life not knowing.

Voices (00:25):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Damon (00:37):

This is Who Am I Really? A podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis, and today you're going to meet Michelle. She told me she grew up feeling very different from her adoptive family because she looked completely different from them. Michelle reunited with her birth mother as a teenager traveling back to the United Kingdom where she was born. She was seeking some basic answers to her identity and acceptance by her biological mother. Things were going great for them until the neighbor came over and asked who Michelle was. It became a pivotal moment in Michelle's quest to discover herself. But the acceptance and love that Michelle was looking for was still out there and it came from a person that she didn't even know existed. I asked Michelle about her journey and what adoption was like for her growing up. Michelle starts us off with the events that brought her into this world. Her parents weren't able to keep her. So Michelle was placed in foster care and it was there even in those early days where people placed judgment about her existence.

Michelle (01:39):

Well, I was born in England. I go back to that because it's really part of the whole journey of identity for me. Uh, I was born in England. Mother was British, father was Spanish. Um, I was a product of their affair. My mother at the time was married. She had three children and my father was single, a bachelor. They had an affair. I was the product of that and it was quite a scandal actually at the time. And I was secreted away into foster care. My birth father said he didn't want to be a father, didn't want to raise me. Birth mother had a choice to make, you know, she couldn't keep me. And she looked to keep her family intact with her husband and her three children. In foster care in the U K I was labeled because of the circumstances around me. You know, it was labeled in my foster records, illegitimate dark, because I had the coloring of my birth father peculiar looking because I was very much, you know, was identified as an ethnic child.

Damon (02:40):

You saw all of this information in your records?

Michelle (02:43):

Yeah. Yeah. I've, I've seen it in my foster records.

Damon (02:47):

That's fascinating.

Michelle (02:47):

And you know, it's, it's interesting because I don't know, you feel that even if you aren't given it in the, in the beginnings, you know, even if you don't see it in black and white, there's something about the judgment, um, that you feel, I think even at the youngest of ages, you know, you can feel that negativity surrounding you and you can definitely feel the weight of judgment.

Damon (03:10):

You can feel how you're perceived.

Michelle (03:12):

You can feel yes, how you're perceived. And so a lot of that fell on my young shoulders.

Damon (03:18):

Michelle was adopted by Americans and brought to this country to be raised. Her appearance made her feel different and she was often reminded of it. But her inability to share more about her heritage made her feel incomplete.

Michelle (03:31):

But I look like no one in my family. I had long black hair, big brown, almond shaped eyes, Mediterranean skin. My family was Caucasian, fair skin, blue eyes for the most part. And I did. I stuck out and people would ask, well, where are you from? And I just remember feeling so different. And I also remember feeling such a, uh, such an overwhelming sense of being silenced because I didn't know how to answer the questions because I really didn't know. I knew a certain amount of my history, but I didn't know all of it. And so there were pieces and holes that left me feeling disempowered and certainly far, far away from what would have been a true identity. My name was changed upon being adopted. My culture, you know, shifted, uh, my family shifted, everything changed. And in that space is quite a void.

Damon (04:30):

Michelle's adopted parents had two biological sons of their own, but her mom really wanted a girl. Her American parents tried to adopt while living in Taiwan, but it wasn't until they lived in the UK that they found their daughter. Unfortunately, as Michelle grew older, her mom used some damaging language about Michelle's adoption that made Michelle feel like she always had to