114 – My Two Moms

Wendy, from Massachussetts, was adopted through Louise Wise, an agency with a notorious reputation. Separately, the tragic murder of Lisa Steinberg triggered her adoptive mother to give Wendy open permission to find her birth mother to let her know she’s ok. On her search, Wendy found her birth father first, but connecting with her birth mother is where she’s found similar interests and a relationship that continues to grow as she introduces her birth mother to her family. This is Wendy’s journey.

Wendy (00:02):

You know I called my adopted mom and said, you know, this is what happened. So she's been, you know, she has been part of the process the whole way along. And um very supportive, which I think is huge to have that kind of permission from your adopted parents and that, you know, comfort them being comfortable with the process has really been helpful to me.

Damon (00:32):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I

Damon (00:42):

Who am I, this is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and on today's show, you're going to meet Wendy. She called me from Massachusetts. Wendy was adopted through an agency with a notorious reputation separately. A tragic headline triggered her adoptive mother to give Wendy open permission to find her birth mother, to let her know she's okay on the search. Wendy found her birth father first, but connecting with her birth mother is where she found similar interests and a relationship that continues to grow. This is Wendy's journey. Wendy was born in July of 1968 in New York city adopted a few weeks later through the Louise wise agency. If the name of that agency sounds familiar, it's the one that was at the center of controversy in the documentary film, three identical strangers, the story Chronicles, identical triplets, who were separated at birth and intentionally placed for adoption into three different homes with different socioeconomic makeups. The men were studied throughout their childhoods. Then they found one another completely by accident. As young adults focusing on Wendy, her parents had been married six years before they adopted her through private adoption. Two years later, they adopted her sister through an attorney in California, then a year and a half after her parents unexpectedly had a biological son. That's three children in three and a half years in their home in Northern New Jersey. Wendy said when she arrived, her parents sent out announcements that had both her birth and adoption dates on them.

Wendy (02:37):

You know, I felt very loved. It was a very positive family experience, very accepted by everyone in the family. Although the family was very small. So my mother, my adopted mother is still alive. She's 80 years old. My adopted father died when I was about 28 years old. So it's been quite a while. And um, in the community, my parents were, um, never hid the fact that my sister and I were adopted. Although, you know, it wasn't like a frequent topic of conversation. And I didn't, you know, I told people if asked, I don't think I really went around, announcing it to friends. You know, even through my search and reunion process, people who know, who have found out, some people have said to me, well, I never knew you were adopted.

Damon (03:28):

Wendy felt she could pass as her parents' child. In some ways they had similar eye and hair color different from her sister who kind of stood out more from them. I was curious about how the siblings got along with one another. They were three siblings of completely different biological makeup. Wendy said her sister was competitive with her and these days their relationship is strained. But with her brother, Wendy has a good relationship despite their age difference.

Wendy (03:57):

If you spent time with the three of us, you could observe certain, um, you know, values that we have and things about us that really are all very similar and probably came from our upbringing. And then you did observe some really stark differences amongst us.

Damon (04:14):

Wendy's father died of cancer. After a three year illness, she had just started her second career in nursing and was a new mother. Her own daughter was only 10 months old when her dad passed. I asked her about that time in their lives.

Wendy (04:30):

He was probably one of my greatest supporters in life and we were very close. So he was, uh, uh, his loss was massive to me. And, um, you know, still to this day, I really, uh, have, you know, some degree of grief over it. So he was, um, a stellar father, even in my non identifying information. It's so interesting. Cause he, when I received that he shined through in personality as somebody who, you know, knew nothing about babies, but immediately took to me. And he was very active and involved father. Um, so yeah, that was a really tough loss.

Damon (05:11):

Growing up. Wendy said, she always wondered and wanted to know about her biological family, but she was hesitant to ask questions of her parents because she didn't want to hurt her parents' feelings,

Wendy (05:22):

Even sometimes having, you know, some crazy thoughts about if I ask, they're going to ask me to leave.

Damon (05:29):

Wendy's parents did share some things about her adoption with her, but she still held off on pursuing more information. She fantasized about who her birth parents might be and living close to and visiting New York city frequently. She wondered if she was passing her birth mother on the street and neither of them were the wiser in the fall of 1987. Wendy had started college and she was home for Thanksgiving right before her return home a tragedy hit the news and adopted girl named Elisa Steinberg was beaten to death at the hands of her adopted parents. It was big news. Wendy's mom sat her two daughters down to discuss the tragedy and what she felt. It meant to them.

Wendy (06:15):

My sister and I down at the kitchen table. I can vividly remember this talking about that event with us and basically said, you know, each of you needs to find your biological mother. She needs to know you're alive. You know, we raised you well you're okay. And, um, you know, that was a moment of like so much permission that I, I felt from that point on, I really had kind of permission to move forward, but, um, you know, my adopted mom while she's always been a big supporter of, um, my search, I think, you know, she's never known really how to search. So she's always told me, Oh, so, and so did this or so, and so did that. Why don't you try this? But you know, for me, the, the permission part was big. So, you know, even on that was 1987, I didn't really move on it much. I mean, I was in college, I was busy studying, hanging out with my friends, you know, developing kind of my life. And I didn't really know what to do

Damon (07:15):

As with so many other adoptees, the birth of Wendy's first child and the gravity of bringing another person into the world who was the first blood relation she had ever had sparked...