125. How To Identify Conflicting Goals, or Why Relationships with Narcissists Cannot Work

125. How To Identify Conflicting Goals, or Why Relationships with Narcissists Cannot Work

One of the most helpful tools in systemic therapy is identifying primary and secondary goals. Otherwise we get hypnotised by words.


I say I want to run a marathon but I smoke, eat pizza and don't even wear running shoes? Maybe I'm not a hypocrite, but maybe my primary goal is to do nothing whilst claiming I want to do sport, so I can feel better about myself.


That's with an individual.


But introduce another person in a relationship. They say they want a loving relationship but they start conflict at the worst possible moments? Maybe that's because it's the easiest way to extract energy from you. And if they didn't say that they want a loving relationship, you'd leave?

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Episoder(118)

134. Decoding HOAXES And How Narcissists Use Them

134. Decoding HOAXES And How Narcissists Use Them

Smear campaigns are hoaxes. Hoax specialist Mark joins us to explain hoaxes, how they work - and how to recognise them. We discuss the psychology, the levers, how they hack our minds, and how they are...

1 Mar 1h 45min

133. Sitting With Discomfort Is A Challenge

133. Sitting With Discomfort Is A Challenge

After a breakup, it is normal to feel some discomfort, and it can be challenging to sit with it. Instead, we might be tempted to numb ourselves, find coping mechanisms. But maybe sitting through it en...

20 Feb 19min

132. Is It Me? When A Group Goes Weird

132. Is It Me? When A Group Goes Weird

From one day to the next, a whole group of people goes weird. But no one says anything. Are we just imagining things? Maybe we did something wrong? So how can we decode this? In this case, a listener ...

20 Des 202538min

131. Using Emotions To Navigate (Toxic) Relationships

131. Using Emotions To Navigate (Toxic) Relationships

Learn how to use emotions to detect toxic signals in a relationship, symptoms of unhealthy relationships, and noticing when something is off. As well as reducing the risk a relationship becomes toxic....

22 Nov 202542min

130. Getting Our Energy (And Lives) Back

130. Getting Our Energy (And Lives) Back

Toxic relationships are draining. And managing our energy is crucial in order to get our lives back. I share some thoughts and tips around this, while taking you for a walk - and hoping the noise is n...

17 Nov 202516min

129. How To Trust Again After A Narcissist?

129. How To Trust Again After A Narcissist?

After we trusted too easily, too much the wrong person, what do we do? Shutting down and no longer trusting anyone is safe. But... It leads to a very lonely life, and might be a bit of an overreaction...

16 Nov 202525min

128. Picking Up On Toxic Signals In Real Time - Real Story

128. Picking Up On Toxic Signals In Real Time - Real Story

I noticed a series of strange signals before things get really weird - but I reacted calmly: I was prepared, this time. I'd started speaking with a woman at the hotel gym. I noticed some weird comment...

26 Okt 202541min

127. Reputation Destruction (Smear Campaign): Decoding, Debunking and Managing A Toxic Ex Colleague

127. Reputation Destruction (Smear Campaign): Decoding, Debunking and Managing A Toxic Ex Colleague

A friend was upset: he's fallen out with an ex colleague, whom I happen to know. He was worried because of a former "colleague" who was smearing him. I happen to know the guy, and found him weird.In t...

18 Okt 202523min

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