Touring History 5-14-25

TOURING HISTORY BY LANE & DAVE: MAY 14TH EDITION INTRO

[Intro music plays]

LANE: Well, well, well... welcome to another edition of Touring History, where we pretend to know what we're talking about by just reading stuff off the internet. I'm Lane...

DAVE: And I'm Dave. Today is May 14th, 2025, and we're here with our usual blend of birthdays, history, and whatever else we found on Wikipedia last night.

LANE: That's right, folks. History - it's like gossip about dead people, but first, let's start with some birthdays because if there's one thing people love more than history, it's celebrities they've never met.

BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS

LANE: Let's kick things off with today's birthday celebrations! George Lucas turns 81 today. Created Star Wars and still can't explain what midi-chlorians are.

DAVE: Mark Zuckerberg turns 41 today. Happy birthday to the man who knows what I'm going to buy before I do!

LANE: And Cate Blanchett turns 56 today. I saw her in a movie once where she played, like, 12 different characters. I can barely play one character convincingly - myself.

DAVE: But wait, there's more! It's like a birthday explosion today. TheOdd1sOut turns 28 today. He's that animator on YouTube who makes stories about his life that are somehow more interesting than my actual life.

LANE: Ryland Adams is 33 today. He's a lifestyle vlogger and podcast host, which is what people call themselves when they don't want to get a real job. Like us, Dave!

DAVE: [laughs] ASMR Darling turns 27 today. She whispers into microphones and makes millions. Meanwhile, I whisper to myself all day and people just think I'm weird.

LANE: Adrien Nuñez is 25 today. He's a basketball player and TikToker. You know what they say about tall people, Dave?

DAVE: What's that?

LANE: They're... tall. I didn't really have a joke there.

DAVE: braceface_.nunu turns 21 today. Makes comedy and lip-sync videos on TikTok. When I was 21, I was also making people laugh, but unintentionally.

LANE: Roshaun Diah is 22. Known for dance and comedy skits. I tried dancing once. Looked like a giraffe having a seizure.

DAVE: And finally, Pokimane turns 28 today. She's big in gaming and variety content. I once watched her stream for five minutes and still have no idea what was happening.

LANE: You know what all these influencers have in common, Dave?

DAVE: What's that?

LANE: They all make more money than we do. [awkward pause] Let's move on to history before I get depressed.

HISTORICAL EVENTS - PART 1

DAVE: [chuckles] Now that we've established that everyone is more successful than us, let's talk about some history. You know, I once tried to explain the concept of vaccination to my dog. He just kept licking himself. Reminds me of some people on the internet.

LANE: On this day in 1796, Edward Jenner administered the first smallpox vaccine. Now, I don't know if you know this, Dave, but before vaccines, people would try all sorts of crazy methods to avoid smallpox.

DAVE: Oh yeah, like what?

LANE: Well, you know... uh... they'd do things like... uh... dance around in a circle three times and sacrifice a chicken... I actually have no idea what they did.

DAVE: They actually practiced something called variolation, where they'd—

LANE: [interrupting] Nobody likes a know-it-all, Dave.

DAVE: [laughs] Moving on! On May 14th, 1948, Israel declared independence, and the Arab-Israeli War began the next day. Talk about a short honeymoon period.

LANE: Yeah, that's like getting a new car and someone keying it in the parking lot before you even get home. Except, you know, with actual human lives and geopolitical implications that continue to this day.

DAVE: [awkward pause] So... in 1973, the United States launched Skylab, its first space station.

LANE: Space stations, man. You ever think about those? It's like... we built a house... in space. And people live there. Like, "Honey, I'm home! Don't open the window!"

POP CULTURE MILESTONES

DAVE: [laughs] On May 14th, 1998, the final episode of Seinfeld aired, watched by 76 million people. A show about nothing that meant everything to so many.

LANE: I watched that finale. Talk about disappointment. It's like ordering a steak and getting served a picture of a cow. You know what I found out, though? The guy who plays Kramer - Michael Richards - he's not even weird in real life. That's called acting, folks.

DAVE: In 2005, the first YouTube video, "Me at the zoo," reached 1 million views. Now that's what I call content! A guy... at a zoo... looking at elephants.

LANE: You know what they say about elephants, Dave?

DAVE: What's that?

LANE: I don't know, I was hoping you did. [awkward pause] These jokes aren't gonna write themselves, folks!

DAVE: [laughs] May 14th, 1984 - The Breakfast Club began filming. A bunch of kids in detention became the iconic teen branding moment of a generation.

LANE: You know, I was actually up for a role in that movie.

DAVE: Really?

LANE: No. Not at all. I was five years old. I don't know why I said that.

DAVE: Also in May 2007, Netflix officially ended DVD sales and pivoted fully to streaming. Remember DVD players? Those weird machines that made your TV screen blue when they weren't working?

LANE: Which was most of the time! And speaking of things that work sometimes, let's take a break to hear from our sponsors.

SPONSOR BREAK

[Transition music]

DAVE: Today's show is brought to you by the Ball Mason Jar Facebook Group!

LANE: That's right! Over 100,000 people who put food items in "the original food time capsule" so great things emerge for consumption in the future.

DAVE: You know, Lane, I joined that group last week, and let me tell you, these people take their jarring seriously.

LANE: Oh yeah? What'd you learn?

DAVE: Well, apparently, you can pickle anything. One lady pickled her neighbor's mail. Turns out, that's a federal offense. But the jars looked beautiful!

LANE: You ever put something in a jar and forget about it? I once found something in my fridge that I think used to be cheese. Or maybe it was a science experiment. Or a small civilization.

DAVE: Join the Ball Mason Jar Facebook Group today! Where the motto is: "If it fits, we ferment!"

LANE: Are we getting paid for this?

DAVE: I don't think so.

LANE: [sighs] Let's get back to history then.

HISTORICAL EVENTS - PART 2

[Transition music]

LANE: And we're back! On May 14th, 1929, the first Academy Awards were held in Hollywood. The ceremony lasted 15 minutes, which is approximately the amount of time I can pay attention to the Oscars before switching to literally anything else.

DAVE: The Best Picture winner was "Wings," a silent film about World War I pilots. I watched it once. Not a single explosion. Michael Bay would be disappointed.

LANE: In 1991, Winnie Mandela was sentenced for kidnapping and assault. Talk about a complicated historical figure. It's like they say - behind every great man is a woman with her own criminal record.

DAVE: [nervous laugh] I don't think they say that.

LANE: They should.

DAVE: On May 14th, 2002, former President Jimmy Carter delivered a televised speech in Cuba - a major Cold War milestone.

LANE: You know, I met Jimmy Carter once in a dream. He was teaching me how to build a birdhouse. Very detailed instructions. I woke up before we finished, though, so now there are birds in my neighborhood without homes because of me.

DAVE: On May 14th, 1955, the USSR and seven Eastern Bloc countries signed the Warsaw Pact, forming a military alliance in direct response to NATO.

LANE: The Cold War was weird, man. Two superpowers just staring at each other like, "I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!" but with nuclear weapons.

DAVE: And finally, in 2010, the Eurozone crisis peaked with the bailout of Greece. Economics is just spicy math when you think about it.

LANE: Is it though? Is it really?

DAVE: [pause] No, probably not.

OUTRO

DAVE: And that's our show for today! Join us tomorrow when we'll pretend to know more things about more dates.

LANE: This has been Touring History with Lane and Dave. Remember, those who don't learn from history are doomed to hear us talk about it again next week.

[Outro music plays]

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