Touring History 7-24-25

TOURING HISTORY - JULY 24TH SCRIPT COLD OPEN

LANE: Welcome back to Touring History, where we dig through the dusty corners of the past so you don't have to. I'm Lane.

DAVE: And I'm Dave, still recovering from discovering that people used to think tomatoes were poisonous. Which honestly explains a lot about British cuisine.

LANE: Today we're touring July 24th, a date that's given us everything from groundbreaking inventions to... well, let's just say some very creative interpretations of marriage vows.

DAVE: Speaking of July 24th, we got a voice memo from a listener about why this date matters to them. Sezso, take it away.

LISTENER VOICE MEMO

SEZSO (as listener): [Slightly nervous, overly enthusiastic voice] Hey Lane and Dave! July 24th is super meaningful to me because it's the day I finally worked up the courage to ask my crush to prom... in 1987. She said yes! We've been married for 36 years now, and she still doesn't know I practiced that conversation in the mirror for three weeks. Also, fun fact - we got engaged on July 24th too because I'm apparently incapable of remembering more than one important date. Love the show! Keep touring!

LANE: Aww, that's actually sweet. Though imagine if she'd said no after three weeks of mirror practice.

DAVE: The real question is: did he practice the engagement proposal in the mirror too, or did 36 years of marriage finally give him confidence?

CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS

LANE: Before we dive into history's more questionable decisions, let's celebrate some July 24th birthdays. We've got Jennifer Lopez, who turns 55 today and continues to prove that aging is apparently optional.

DAVE: Also born today: Anna Paquin, who won an Oscar at age 11, making the rest of us feel like spectacular underachievers. And Kristin Chenoweth, Broadway legend and the human embodiment of pure vocal magic.

LANE: Can't forget Amelia Earhart, born July 24th, 1897. Pioneer aviator, women's rights advocate, and unfortunately, participant in history's most famous game of hide-and-seek.

DAVE: Too soon, Lane. It's only been 87 years.

SALACIOUS DAVE SEGMENT

DAVE: Alright, time for everyone's favorite segment where I get to talk about historical scandals while Lane judges my life choices. Today's salacious story takes us to July 24th, 1911, when American explorer Hiram Bingham "discovered" Machu Picchu.

LANE: Wait, how is archaeological discovery salacious?

DAVE: Oh, because Hiram didn't actually discover anything. Local indigenous people had been living there and knew about it the whole time. But here's the juicy part - Bingham basically showed up, took credit, and then spent years shipping artifacts back to Yale University without permission.

LANE: So it's academic theft with a side of colonialism?

DAVE: Exactly! It's like if I "discovered" your coffee mug and then took it home and put it in my kitchen. Except instead of a mug, it was priceless Incan artifacts, and instead of your kitchen, it was Peru's entire cultural heritage.

LANE: This is why we can't have nice civilizations, Dave.

DAVE: The real scandal? It took Yale over 100 years to return most of the artifacts. That's slower than my response time to text messages.

INNOVATION LANE SEGMENT

LANE: Time for Innovation Lane, where we celebrate human ingenuity and my questionable ability to pronounce inventor names. On July 24th, 1847, Brigham Young and his Mormon pioneers arrived in the Salt Lake Valley and basically said, "You know what this desert needs? A thriving metropolis."

DAVE: That's not really an invention, Lane.

LANE: Hear me out! They innovated an entire irrigation system that turned a desert into farmland. They created a functioning society in the middle of nowhere using geometric city planning that's still used today. It's like SimCity, but with more covered wagons and fewer cheat codes.

DAVE: Okay, I'll give you that. Though I feel like "desert city planning" is a very specific skill set.

LANE: Also on July 24th, 1969, Apollo 11 splashed down safely in the Pacific Ocean, completing humanity's first successful round trip to the moon. Which is technically the ultimate innovation - figuring out space travel AND how to not die horribly in the process.

DAVE: The fact that we went to the moon with less computing power than my toaster still blows my mind.

LANE: Your toaster has computing power?

DAVE: It has a digital display! That's practically NASA-level technology for 1969.

AD BREAK

LANE: Quick break to talk about our friends at Duluth Trading Company, who make gear that's tougher than a two-dollar steak and more reliable than my ability to remember where I put my keys.

DAVE: Speaking of reliability, Duluth Trading has quality merchandise that literally stands the test of time. We're talking about clothes that'll outlast your car, your mortgage, and probably your will to live.

LANE: Right now they've got 50% off select clearance items, because apparently even Duluth Trading believes in second chances.

DAVE: Plus 25% off summer gear, which is perfect timing unless you live somewhere that considers 90 degrees "sweater weather."

LANE: And they're running a Buy 3, Get 1 Free promotion, which is basically math that even I can get excited about.

DAVE: Duluth Trading: Because life's too short for pants that give up on you. Back to the show!

DEEP THOUGHTS BY LANE & DAVE

LANE: Time for Deep Thoughts, where Dave and I pretend to be philosophical while probably just revealing how little sleep we got last night.

DAVE: You go first, Lane. What's your deep thought about July 24th?

LANE: Well, July 24th has seen everything from moon landings to city founding to archaeological "discoveries." It makes me think that history is just humans repeatedly showing up places and saying, "I'm going to make this everyone else's problem now."

DAVE: That's... surprisingly accurate. My deep thought is that July 24th proves that humans are fundamentally optimistic. I mean, you have to be pretty hopeful about the future to build a city in a desert or strap yourself to a rocket pointed at the moon.

LANE: Or steal artifacts and assume no one will notice for 100 years.

DAVE: Okay, that one's more about audacity than optimism. But still! July 24th is basically humanity's "hold my beer and watch this" moment, repeated throughout history.

LANE: Your deep thoughts are just observations about human recklessness, aren't they?

DAVE: Hey, recklessness built civilization. Well, recklessness and really good irrigation systems.

SIGN OFF

LANE: That's July 24th for you - proving that humans will literally do anything if you give them enough time and questionable decision-making skills.

DAVE: Thanks for touring history with us today. If you enjoyed the show, smash that like button like you're Hiram Bingham claiming credit for someone else's work.

LANE: Subscribe for more historical chaos, and don't forget to send us your voice memos about why specific dates matter to you. Sezso loves bringing your stories to life, and we love having an excuse to make fun of... I mean, celebrate your personal history.

DAVE: Until next time, remember: history is just yesterday's news with better stories and worse hygiene.

LANE: This has been Touring History. I'm Lane.

DAVE: I'm Dave.

BOTH: And we'll see you in the past!