Social Isolation

Hi. This is Dr. John Dacey, with my weekly podcast, New Solutions to the Anxiety Epidemic. Although feeling fearful during the coronavirus pandemic is entirely normal, seriously disruptive anxious reactions are fast becoming common. Soon, if not already, the number one anxiety category will be separation anxiety. This is because the “social isolation” we have been experiencing due to the coronavirus is, at least in my opinion, ultimately the result of separation anxiety. A major dictionary defines: isolation as “the complete separation from others of a person suffering from contagious or infectious disease; quarantine.” Let’s look at this term a little more closely. First of all, are you isolated if it is your choice to be in isolation? The answer is yes – that is, the act of being isolated does not depend on choice for its definition. However, the impact of isolation must depend on whether it is voluntary or not. How you feel about being separated from others, whether you believe you had a choice about it or not, will influence how you react to it. As I talk to people about their responses to social isolation, I find that some people living alone like it, and some do not. The same is true for those living with others. I think that how people react depends a lot on whether or not they feel deprived of the security they get when in contact with powerful others. For example, I feel singularly blessed to be living with my wife because she takes such good care of me. Nevertheless, there are others, such as doctors and nurse practitioners I know, whose counsel and nurture are denied to me unless I got really sick. In truth, that stirs up feelings of separation anxiety which I thought were long past. Does this make sense to you? Do you feel the same way? There is also the specialized definition of Sigmund Freud: Social isolation in psychoanalytic theory is a defense mechanism that relies on keeping unwelcome thoughts and feelings from forming associative links with other thoughts and feelings.” That’s the other side: the inability to keep scary thoughts from becoming conscious. Many of us anxious folks find this to be a problem. Especially among the elderly, for whom COVID19 may be deadly, quelling such ideas can be quite difficult. As an elderly person myself, I know how that feels! For one thing, to be unable to have face-to-face contact with significant others can lead to “catastrophizing“: Imagining that something might go wrong, which then becomes something that will probably go wrong, which often becomes a serious incident that will definitely go wrong— you might as well give up! Of course, we anxious folks often fall victim to this kind of thinking, and wind up avoiding the situation, which makes us even more vulnerable the next time. So what can you do? Let me explain your best option to the use of a metaphor: sailing a small boat. “You can’t change the direction of the wind, but you can change set of your sails.” Anonymous As any good sailor knows, you can sail in any direction except directly into the wind. There is a space from 15 degrees to the left of the wind to 15 degrees to the right where, if you point your boat into it, you will actually move backwards. That’s called “in irons.” The solution is to haul your sail in close to the center of your boat and turn it slightly more than 15 degrees off the direction of the wind. When you want to go in the same direction as the wind, you need to go back and forth, the same way skiers traverse a steep slope. You keep repeating these turns, called “jibing,” until you ultimately sail to your goal. What has this got to do with anxiety? It’s a good analogy for what you need to do when fear blocks you from your desired goal. As a good friend of mine said recently, “I enjoy sailing and I own a boat, but I don’t go out much. I can never get back to the dock where I started.” He needs to “change the set of his sails.” And you cannot help being afraid of an object or situation that almost nobody else finds dangerous. However, you can: Change the way you feel about that object or situation. Change the way you react to your anxious state itself. As it is often hard to use the first option, here‘s what you can do, using the second. Distracting yourself from frightening thoughts can often be achieved by taking action. As I suggested in a previous podcasts, you need to distract yourself from frightening thoughts by occupying yourself with more pleasant activities. These days, the Internet is full of suggestions to this end, watching great movies and TV series, playing cards (with someone with whom you‘re living, just or online), planting a garden, doing a task you‘ve been putting off forever, getting outside for a walk, etc., etc. Possibly the best option, however, is to help someone you know who is isolated. Contact them by phone, Internet, or over the backyard fence. Below are a few suggestions for how you can help them Ask them to have a conversation with you. Even inviting them to something as simple as doing a favor for you is meaningful. And listen reflectively. It is important to remember that every person experiences anxiety reactions in her own individual way.  Most people find it calming to be able to describe exactly how their anxiety feels to them, and to explain what they think is causing those feelings. You should listen with respect, accepting what is said as being a true representation of what the person thinks is true, and should avoid making premature judgments. This does not mean that you should be mute.  You need to “listen reflectively.” Sometimes the most important aspect of listening is validating the child's emotions and experiences. People are more likely to talk -- about sex, alcohol, and other important issues -- to other adults who know how to listen. But certain kinds of responses, such as giving too much advice or pretending to have all the answers, have been shown to block the lines of communication. Effective listening is more than just “not talking.” It takes concentration and practice. Remember, if you are judgmental or critical, your person may decide that you just don’t understand. You cannot be a good influence on someone who won’t talk to you. Below are several communication skills that are useful to anyone who wants to enhance communication with others. Rephrase the person’s comments to show that you understand. For example, "When you say that you feel sick when you think about playing the piano at your school recital, do you mean that your stomach hurts or you might throw up?" Watch the person’s face and body language. Often that person will assure you that she does not feel sad, but a quivering chin or tearing eyes will tell you otherwise. Your correspondent may deny feeling frightened, but if you put your fingers on her wrist, as a caring gesture, you may find that she has a racing pulse. When words and body language say two different things, always believe the body language. Give nonverbal support. This may include a smile, a hug, a wink, a pat on the shoulder, nodding your head, making eye contact, or holding your friend’s hand (or wrist). Use the appropriate tone of voice for what you are saying. Remember that your voice tone communicates as clearly as your words. Make sure your tone does not come across as sarcastic or all-knowing. Use encouraging phrases to show your interest and to keep the conversation going. Helpful little phrases, spoken appropriately during pauses in the conversation, can communicate how much you care: “Oh, really?” “Tell me more about that.” “Then what happened?” “That must have made you feel bad.” Other ideas are to invite the person to join you in visiting a virtual zoo or museum tour. There are many ideas like this online. Two of the best sources are to be found at: .thereadystore.com/diy/1608/9-essentials-sheltering-place/ AND stonegroupinc.com/100-things-to-do-while-sheltering-in-place/ Email them to read an e-book or audiobook, Help them find a COVID mentor. Help them to plan a garden. Ask them to join you in a socially distant exercise program. Suggest you go on a hike, take a walk/jog, or any other kind of workout. Suggest they find a “grokking rock.” Originally a concept in a novel about science fiction, this idea has gained in popularity because it works so well. A grokking rock is simply a boulder or other relatively permanent marker such as a park bench, which can be found in a quiet place such as by the side of a lake in your neighborhood. The rule is you cannot go there or stay there if you become upset. You can only be at your grokking rock when you’re relatively calm. Ask for advice. When someone is in trouble, the temptation is to try to give them good advice so they can get out of it. Sometimes, though, it is more helpful to seek their suggestions for how you might deal with a similar problem. Their answer will be good advice for them, too.And remember: when you help someone else, you help yourself. Until next week, then…