Episode 29 - Living with Trans Despair with Simon(e) van Saarloos

Today I am presenting a talk that Simon(e) van Saarloos and I did, kind of as a followup to our last talk together at the NYC Art Bookfair, called "Living with Trans Despair." I'm going to give you the origin and details of the event before I present the edited recording of the event itself., so this is a bit of a long introduction.

The idea to make a sequel came in the initial planning of our first talk about Simon's book, Against Ag(e)ism, as we discovered we were both in the process of writing books dealing with despair.

The circumstances of the event were particularly special: a friend of ours and amazing artist, Phoebus Osborne, had a show up at the gallery Parent Company, a four channel video installation called oh it's my ass, it's my anus. Phoebus welcomed our talk into part of the series of events he was holding surrounding this exhibition. But to make the talk even more special, we framed it with poetry readings from two beautiful poets, Sahar Khraibani and Rebecca Teich , whose contributions provided a perfect bookend for our talk, which was also surrounded by the intensely beautiful environment created by Phoebus's installation.

To give a better sense of this solo work, I will provide a little description from Phoebus: The exhibition is comprised of an immersive multi-channel video installation that explores underground, interior environments as sites of resistance, intimacy, and imagination. Weaving together footage of limestone caves, cemeteries, bathroom DJ sets, queer beaches, and domestic spaces, the work creates a sensorial field. Within the gallery, sound reverberates and screens and projectors glow, creating a space for reverie for the viewer. The installation insists on interiority—not as a form of withdrawal, but as a radiant space of gathering and potential.

The text we wrote to open the talk was this: The liberal bumper sticker reads "If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention." We could equally substitute despair for outrage. Things only seem to get worse, especially for trans people, pregnant people, undocumented people, poor people, racialized people, the list goes on. Whereas outrage is supposed to spur you to canvas and vote, despair is seen as an obstacle to the traditional possibilities of transformation. Taking instead a radical approach to despair, writers Simon(e) van Saarloos and Shuli Branson are working on respective projects that integrate queer nihilism with the openness of transition, delinking hope and change to operate in the shadows of a progressive rainbow that demands assimilation, rationality, and maturity. This discussion will engage the meeting point between Simon(e)'s forthcoming book Trans Despair (AK Press) and Shuli's Antidote to Despair (Pluto Press) through a look at the creative counterworlds of trans life.

Simon and I have found that we have very generative collaborations and conversation, so I hope you find this talk engaging too. It goes into many different places, following the train of our thoughts bouncing off one another. Of course, it doesn't have a resolution, but opens on to more questions. I have included our responses to audience questions at the end of the talk, but left out the questions themselves to maintain privacy.

Before giving you the talk, I want to provide a little more background on all of the people collaborating: You already know me of course, so I'll skip that.

Phoebus Osborne (b. 1984) is an artist based in Queens, NY. His practice engages material traces of nonlinear relationships through a matrix of film, sculpture, performance, drawing, writing, and sound. Extending from his lived experience with chronic pain, he contemplates the accelerating illnesses of the planet at large and considers how modes of relationship can empower resilience and enable repair. His works have been presented within the US and Europe, including commissioned works at Transmediale Berlin, La Caldera Barcelona, SFMoMA, Oakland Museum of California, Lenfest Center for the Arts, and The Poetry Project.

Simon(e) van Saarloos is the author of Against Ageism. A Queer Manifesto (2023); Take 'Em Down. Scattered Monuments and Queer Forgetting (2021) and Playing Monogamy (2019) as well as several books in Dutch. Their writing has appeared in co-edited volumes and academic journals and they also write fiction and theater. They are currently writing a new book for AK Press, titled Trans Despair: Staying Unrelated and Insecure. Van Saarloos also works as an independent curator of public programming and artistic collaborations.

Sahar Khraibani is a writer and artist whose work has been presented with Montez Press, The Brooklyn Rail, the Poetry Foundation, and the Poetry Project among others. Sahar is a recipient of the Creative Capital / Arts Writers Grant, a fellowship at The Poetry Project, a MacDowell Fellowship, a 2024 residency at Mass MoCA, and is an alumni of the Whitney Independent Study Program. Sahar teaches at Pratt Institute and is the author of Anatomy of A Refusal (1080PRESS, 2025) and ONE THOUSAND GHOSTS IN THIS FEAST (Wendy's Subway, 2025).

Rebecca Teich is a writer, curator, and PhD student in English at the CUNY Graduate Center. Teich is the recipient of the 2023 Graduate Student Paper Award from the CLAGS and is a 2023 and 2024 archival research fellow through the Lost & Found Archival Research Grant. Teich's writing has been featured in The Kitchen Magazine; Peach Magazine's Invitation to Form: Epic Mix; BOMB Magazine, The LA Review of Books, The Poetry Project Newsletter, and elsewhere. Teich's first chapbook, Caffeine Chronicles (2021), was published by Portable Press @ YoYo Labs and their collaborative pamphlet, "Shared Discernments," co-written with Kimberly Alidio, was published by 1080 Press in 2025.

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If you are interested, I will be leading a book club meeting to discuss Avgi Saketopoulou and Ann Pellegrini's Gender Without Identity on Wednesday January 14 at 5pm eastern. You are invited to subscribe and join, regardless of your reading of the book.

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