Priapus: Ancient Roman God of Big Dick Energy

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THE ANCIENT ROMANS HAD A GOD OF BIG DICK ENERGY AND WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT.
GIRLS AND BOYS, MEET PRIAPUS. 🍆

Remember when the internet decided Pete Davidson had a giant schlong? Well, turns out people have been fantasizing about hung humans since the Ancient Romans.

Everyone always complains that the marble statues of antiquity seem to have surprisingly small penises – was everyone micro back then? What did the size queens do?

But the truth is – the ancient world was full of dicks, big and small. There were dicks on houses, at intersections, in art, and of course, in milady's bedside table.

AND – dicks were actually sacred to the ancients!

From the phallic Herms that warded off evil to Priapus' fertility-granting member, Big Dick Energy was everywhere. Because dicks were a symbol of agricultural power, magical protection, and prosperity.

2,000 years ago, Cock was King.

But it wasn’t all rainbows and dildos. In Greece, big dicks were a joke, a sign of an oversexed – and therefore unrestrained – man. Meanwhile, the Romans took things in a more violent direction (surprise). Which is why they turned the Hung Horny Goat Weed, Priapus, son of Dionysus and Aphrodite, into a toxic masculinity fantasy of sexual violence.

This fantasy of priapic domination was unique to the Romans in the ancient world – the Greeks preferred to model self-restraint and wisdom, which of course is the unique jurisdiction of the average-size penis.

But really…let’s be honest.
If a 10-foot marble Hercules walked in with his tiny little “11th toe”?

You’d be so fucking down.

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Episode Credits
Written and hosted by Bash.
Edited by Alex Toskas.
Produced by Dani Henion.

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