Put Yourself First: How to Define Your Needs (So Your Partner Can Finally Meet Them)

Asking your partner "how can I be a better spouse?" only to feel overwhelmed by their answer? In this episode, we challenge the conventional wisdom that you need to put your partner's needs first—and explain why discovering who YOU are is actually the key to showing up better in your relationship.

In This Episode:

• Why asking "what do you need from me?" puts too much pressure on your spouse

• The difference between self-care and self-discovery (and why discovery matters more)

• How to identify your core values, passions, and desires

• Why pleasure (yes, including sexual pleasure) is essential to know about yourself

• The connection between energy management and having "enough time"

• How sobriety and recovery taught Adam about prioritizing identity

• Practical exercises to start your self-discovery journey today

Key Takeaways:

• You can't meet someone else's needs until you understand your own

• Self-awareness is a superpower in relationships

• Discovering yourself isn't selfish—it's how you become a better partner

• Connection rhythms beat constantly asking "am I doing enough?"

Action Steps:

Monitor your energy: Make a list of activities/people that energize vs. drain you

Discover your core values using values cards or thinking about people you admire

Create space: Find 1 hour daily for quiet reflection and journaling

Get curious: What are you daydreaming about? What brings you joy?

Download our Weekly Connection workbook (link below)

Resources Mentioned:

• Personal VTO (Vision Traction Organizer) - Google it or check Adam's YouTube

• Values cards (search Amazon or "The One Thing" values cards)

• Adam's book "Shifting Gears" on sobriety and identity

• Weekly Connection Workbook: [YOUR LINK]

Timestamps:

0:00 - Introduction: Why we're talking about ourselves

1:25 - The problem with "how can I show up better for you?"

5:05 - Why Marie's social media post sparked controversy

8:28 - Self-discovery vs. expectations in relationships

13:35 - The importance of knowing your own pleasure

17:20 - Breaking free from imposed identities

23:20 - Sex, shame, and discovering what you actually want

31:00 - How Adam's relationship with sex changed through discovery

38:40 - Family business and religious conditioning

49:50 - Time, energy, and efficiency: Why you DO have time

58:00 - Monitoring your energy as a discovery tool

1:08:30 - The personal operating system: Values and passion

1:37:20 - Creating space for self-discovery

2:13:00 - When one partner is growing faster than the other

2:39:00 - Adam's sobriety story: Putting yourself first

2:42:45 - Final action steps and resources

Connect With Us:

@startupspouses

Join the conversation: What's one thing you're discovering about yourself right now? Drop a comment below.

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