Adler, Trauma, and the Driver’s Seat

Sam brings a birthday gift to the conversation this week: The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, a book that walks through the psychology of Alfred Adler as a back-and-forth between a young man and a philosopher. The very first chapter is titled "deny trauma," and Sam knows going in that the idea is going to be provocative. So she says it out loud anyway.

The Adlerian claim at the center of it: we don't suffer from the shock of an experience, we suffer from the meaning we assign to it, because that meaning serves a purpose. Adler called the focus on purpose teleology, as opposed to etiology, which only looks at the cause. Christine pushes back, because trauma is real, and the two of them work through the nuance together. The point isn't that bad things didn't happen to you. It's that ruminating on why they happened keeps you stuck, while asking how you want to move forward is what lets you grow. As Christine puts it, we are not responsible for what happened to us, but we are 100% responsible for how we carry it.

To keep it from getting too heavy, they pull in the Summer House reunion, where Sierra finally tells Amanda to stop letting life happen to her and get in the driver's seat. Amanda got comfortable in the victim role because, on some level, it served her, and that comfort is the same trap Adler is describing. From there it comes back to the whole point of this podcast: you are more powerful than you think, your thoughts run on a loop, and you get to decide what you make them mean. The episode also opens with a sweet listener story about a dad who taught his kids that kind thoughts don't belong to you, so if you think something nice, you say it. Next week, they pick up the thread with self-sabotage.

In this episode:

• A listener's story: if you think something nice, you say it

• The Adlerian idea that we suffer from the meaning we assign to trauma, not the event itself

• Teleology vs etiology, or purpose vs cause, without getting too academic about it

• Why playing the victim can quietly serve you, with a Summer House assist

• The difference between visiting your pain and living there

• You get to decide what you carry forward

Quotes from this episode:

"We don't suffer from the shock of the experience, the so-called trauma. We suffer by the meaning we assign to it, because it serves a purpose." - Samantha Bauer

"We are not responsible for the things that happen to us that we have zero hand in. But we are 100% responsible for how we carry through life after that event happens." - Christine Goforth

"You could sit back and let life happen to you. But let's be honest, life is happening exactly how you want it to, because you're making decisions." - Samantha Bauer

"We all have these narrations in our head, stories we tell ourselves. So often they're not true, and they're self-limiting beliefs." - Christine Goforth

Listen and subscribe:

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/sisters-in-law-of-attraction/id1848757802

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4OngsZM3ofSq3xTUgpChfc

All platforms: https://linktr.ee/sistersinlawpod

Episode page: https://sistersinlawpod.com/episodes/episode-27-adler-trauma-and-the-drivers-seat.html

Sisters In Law of Attraction is hosted by Samantha Bauer and Christine Goforth.