#29 How to Deal When Your Kids Are at Odds with Each Other | With Dr. Laura Markham

Episode Summary

In this deeply personal and research-backed conversation, host Eli Harwood sits down with Dr. Laura Markham — clinical psychologist, bestselling author, and founder of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com — to tackle one of the most exhausting realities of family life: sibling conflict. Together they explore what the research actually says about why siblings fight, what parents can do about it (and what they shouldn't), and how to raise kids who will genuinely like each other as adults. Eli even shares a real, unfiltered story from her own family — complete with onesies, a parking lot scene, and a sticker — and asks Dr. Laura to coach her through it live.

Key Takeaways

• The #1 predictor of sibling kindness is your relationship with each child. Research consistently shows the closer you are to each child individually, the less they fight with each other.
• Discipline style shapes sibling behavior. When parents use power and force to solve problems, kids mirror that with each other. When parents model calm problem-solving, kids learn to do the same.
• Inviolate one-on-one time matters more than grand gestures. A predictable, protected window of time with each child — even 20 minutes — gives kids the security to handle their siblings with more grace.
• Pushing and shoving under age 6 is developmentally normal — it doesn't mean your parenting is failing. The prefrontal cortex won't be fully developed until the mid-20s, and meaningful impulse control takes years to build.
• Positive interactions are the long game. Research shows that what adults remember about their sibling relationships is not the conflict — it's the fun they had together. Protect and prioritize play.
• Kids need scripts, not just correction. When you give children the actual words to say ("I was still using that — can I have it back?"), they learn to use them, often faster than you'd expect.
• Parent leadership reduces sibling rivalry. When parents step in to create systems and structures (like a calendar for mom nights), kids don't have to fight for position.
• Talking about neurodivergence with siblings requires validation, not minimizing. Acknowledge what's hard for each child without making either child responsible for managing the other's feelings.

About the Guest

Dr. Laura Markham is a clinical psychologist trained at Columbia University, bestselling author, and one of the most trusted voices in parenting today. She is the founder of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com — a free resource with over 1,000 pages of parenting guidance — and the author of three books translated into more than 27 languages.

• 🌐 Website: peacefulparenthappykids.com
• 📸 Instagram: @peacefulparenthappykids
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Resources Mentioned

• 📗 Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings by Dr. Laura Markham Amazon | Publisher Page
• 📘 Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham Amazon | Publisher Page
• 📙 Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish Amazon
• 🏫 Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at TCU (Trust-Based Relational Intervention / TBRI) child.tcu.edu Dr. Karen Purvis coined the phrase "Families that play together, stay together" and developed TBRI, a research-based model for supporting children impacted by trauma.

Connect

Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

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• Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
• TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/