39 - Paige advises those married to an active user

Paige Fant is back to talk about what it is like to be married to an active user and what it is like being married to someone in recovery. We are joined by Adam Colling and Ben Bueno. Paige shares her personal experience with codependency and how it is important to love without being self-destructive.

We talk about the importance of setting boundaries and finding outside support from 12-step programs like Al-Anon and AA. We also talk about achieving balance and each person being responsible for their own pain. Finding support and a therapist are also helpful when going through the process.

Show Notes

• [02:54] Often times people don't know what to do when they're married to an active user, and they just retract and don't do anything.
• [03:24] A good place to start is by asking the question is this person willing to get help or have they ever asked for help.
• [03:44] A dry person is someone who has stopped drinking, but they're absolutely miserable and nothing else has changed.
• [04:00] Family members and friends are all responsible for dealing with their own pain. How they deal with it is very important.
• [04:44] Learn about alcohol and addiction and try to understand what your loved one is going through.
• [05:17] Sometimes it feels really good to relate to somebody that has gone through what you're going through.
• [07:23] The idea of Al-Anon is a place where relatives can gain support. It's a great place to find support but also find a therapist.
• [08:00] Boundaries and settling your emotions down are the most important things in this process.
• [08:40] The families of addicts experience so much embarrassment and shame and people don't realize that. There is also a loneliness to that that makes Al- Anon a safe and inclusive place.
• [09:21] It's about finding a good meeting that's the right fit for you with a wide variety of people in different stages of recovering.
• [11:12] Paige had some friends who recommended that she go to Al-Anon. She cried during her first meeting.
• [12:11] Paige was interested in someone who was in recovery. She was in Al-Anon for about 6 years, and she credits the health of her marriage to it.
• [14:27] Alcoholics can be very co-dependent, and they frequently move on to Al-Anon after their 12 step program.
• [16:19] Having an addict as a family member can take control of your life. This is one of the reasons why a support group is so important.
• [18:14] Paige became enslaved needing the approval of others. She felt like she had to please everybody else. She had to learn the balance and how to lovingly treat someone suffering from addiction without it hurting her.
• [20:39] Don't try to convince others to go to AA with you.
• [21:55] Alcohol and drug addiction has to be self-diagnosed. You can't tell someone that they need to go to AA.
• [22:25] it's Insanity to go to a 12-step program and not work the 12 steps.
• [22:47] The 12 Steps in Al-Anon are the same 12 steps in AA.
• [24:34] It's important to recognize major boundaries. You need to take care of yourself and live your own life independently.
• [25:53] It's important to step back and not make major decisions right away.
• [28:16] When someone gets clean their loved one suddenly has no one to help.
• [30:36] When you are married to someone in recovery their program is not your program. You have to take your hands off of your spouse's program.
• [32:07] It's important to not be insecure and resent the time your spouse spends in AA.
• [34:51] It can be hard to find balance between meetings and family life.
• [37:06] Nobody is immune from the effects of the addiction. It affects everybody and all the family members.
• [37:46] If you go to a 12-step program, do the work.
• [38:29] Get a therapist too.
• [39:01] Family Support is so important. Keep searching until you find the right support.

Links and Resources:

• Ep. 33 – Rehab Romances: Will A Relationship Mess Up Your Recovery?
• Al-Anon
• AA
• Tides Counseling