Nobody in His Life Knows I Exist: Being the Other Woman

A couple of months ago I said something on this show that I want to say again, because it's the whole thing: you are worthy of someone who can be with you 100%, 100% of the time. When you're in an affair, that's not what you're getting. You're getting whatever he's able to give you, and it is not 100%.

Waiting is a huge part of being the other woman, and it's so much bigger than waiting for him to leave. It's waiting for him to call at all. Waiting for your phone to light up. Waiting to know when you'll see him again. I used to say no to plans and skip phone calls with friends because I was scared I'd miss him. I used to get in bed and put my phone right next to my face on the pillow so I'd see it light up if he texted. I don't do that anymore, and I'm so glad.

I talk about what out loud actually means, because some of you are going to tell me he holds your hand and calls you his girlfriend, and he does go out with you in public. I had all of that too. And still, to this day, nobody in his life knows I existed. If something happened to him, nobody would call me. That's the part that's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't lived it.

I also get into where this all lands: what you believe about yourself. The messages you send me all follow the same pattern, and it's the one I was in too. You're still living in the beginning of it, back when everything was new and you felt seen for the first time in years, while the actual relationship has become something else entirely. At some point the question stops being when is he going to choose me and becomes how long is it going to take for me to get fed up with my own behavior. I tell the story of the day I hit rock bottom in a bathtub in the middle of a work day, and what changed the morning after.

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