S3 E4 - Trying to overcome fear of talking to the camera | Unworthyness

[Audio Diary Recorded 11.10.15]

In this vulnerable resistance-filled episode, I'm confessing I forced myself to record 30 days of talking head videos at the studio without makeup (just pink hair extensions) for a challenge where I'll write one word in the book for every follower, but now I'm paralyzed with fear about posting them because what if they only get 300 views and I'm an epic failure? I'm stuck between two paths: keep cranking out stunt stair falls that work even though the emotion isn't bubbling up anymore, or lean into the resistance and recalibrate toward the one that glitters series, but writing this seven-book saga is such a tremendous undertaking and I'm blocked by holiday mental load, sugar hangovers from gummy bears and truffle Cheetos, a throbbing back and cramped middle toe that might be psychosomatic since Ian said at 43 your body goes through massive aging.

The real fear underneath it all is that no one will like me for me—it's one thing to do stunts in my element ignoring the camera, but putting out talking heads will prove I'm not worthy and not likable, plus I've proven I can go viral with stairfalls and I'm terrified of messing up the algorithm that's giving me 10 million views a month even though barely anyone translates to listening to the podcast.

Key Themes & Takeaways:

• Perfectionist paralysis with talking head videos - "I recorded 30 days of talking heads and I'm so scared to post them, what if it gets 300 views? The perfectionist in me says if it doesn't get 10,000 views you're an epic failure"

• Fear of being liked for me vs stunts - "I deeply have a fear that no one will like me for me, putting those out will prove I'm not worthy and not likable - it's one thing to do stunts in my element, but talking heads is different"

• Algorithm anxiety and planting seeds - "Fear is I mess up the algorithm doing such a good job pushing my content, but you have to plant the seed where you want to grow toward the series I'm writing"

• Two paths dilemma - "I can keep doing stunt stairfalls if I want to be successful on social media, or say okay let's listen to resistance and recalibrate, but I just shook off years of angst and don't know what more to say"

• Watching yourself back is torture - "Watching myself on screen was so brutal, I forced myself to do one take of each, seeing the same spiel 42 times trying to find ebb and flow of personality but not too much"

• October hibernation resistance pattern - "I work so hard all summer and by October I just want to go on hibernation, this happens every year, I want to eat gummy bears at 2pm which is so unlike me"

• Seven book perfectionist struggle - "Way it's outlined is seven books and I'm like good gracious I bit off way more than I can chew, can I keep every scene a humdinger? As perfectionist it's so hard to get out of my own way"

• Long form vs short form brain switch - "One that glitters is such long form content I'm having trouble flipping back and forth to Instagram shortest form content, can't get my brain from one track to other track"

• Holiday mental load starting early - "Last night I was looking up stocking stuffers already, I can feel my November and December getting absolutely lost to holidays with kids out of school a lot"

• Compare and despair vs beast mode - "I'm usually in beast mode but I still have these days where I cannot get myself out of quicksand, look at all these other people creating like beasts"