Episode 8: Understanding the healing journey

In this episode, we explore the healing journey for women who have experienced abuse. Jill and I share that in the first edition of the book, we didn’t yet have the chapter on healing. It wasn’t until we had supported women over longer periods – and listened deeply to what they told us – that we were able to understand this phase more fully. As we always do, we gathered women together and asked them to teach us about their healing. What they shared became the core elements of our current understanding.

The women helped us develop what we now call the Figure Eight Model of Healing: an image of a figure eight where the lower loop represents grieving and the upper loop represents rebuilding. Healing moves back and forth between these two experiences. Grieving isn’t separate from healing – it is part of it. Women often feel energized and a sense of rebuilding at some points, and at other times find themselves pulled back into grief. The relative size of the loops shifts over time; sometimes rebuilding is expansive and full of new opportunities, and at other times grief takes up most of the emotional space. Rebuilding can be made up of tiny, meaningful steps – like stepping outside into the garden or offering oneself a moment of kindness. The figure eight is open at both the top and bottom, reminding us that healing is not an endless cycle and that there are ways out and forward.

When women are more in the grieving part of the journey, the sense of loss can be overwhelming. Many describe feeling as though the floor has fallen out from under them—disoriented, alone, and unsure where to anchor themselves. They often grieve the hopes and dreams the relationship once held, including the vision they had for their children’s lives, their families, or the future they believed they were building. There can be disappointment, sadness, anger, and a sense of failure imposed by societal judgment. Women grieve the loss of time, opportunities, financial stability, and connections with people who may have sided with him or distanced themselves. They grieve the betrayal from family, faith communities, workplaces, and systems that should have supported them. Some describe simply enduring life rather than enjoying it, feeling low or depressed, or regretting choices made along the way. We emphasize that expressing grief is not “focusing on the negative” – it is necessary to tell the truth of one’s losses.

Read the rest of the show notes.

If this information has brought you to feeling like you need further support, here are a few available resources:

• Alison Epp, counselling
• Jo Neill, counselling
• The When Love Hurts website lists their active support groups throughout Canada and provides many articles for further reading.
• 211 is an emergency mental health number in Canada that can be called at any time and they can connect you with available local resources.
• If you still cannot find what you are looking for, please connect with us by email.