Dealing With Difficult People : Acceptance Isn't Approval

Difficult people aren't going anywhere. The resentment you carry about them is optional. In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, I talk about dealing with difficult people in addiction recovery, and why acceptance doesn't mean approval, putting up with mistreatment, or becoming a doormat.

We start with a question: who have you argued with most this week who wasn't even in the room? The rehearsed argument in the car or the shower. You win it every time and still feel worse. That's the part I want to look at.

In this episode: • Why a disturbance is information about me, not a verdict on them • The resentment I carried for years about people with money, and how I finally saw it was mine • The famous "page 417" acceptance passage from 12-step literature, and how it gets misread as "just put up with it" • Acceptance vs. approval: swapping "the way it's supposed to be" for "the way it is" • Radical acceptance from DBT (Marsha Linehan), and a quick note on the God word for secular listeners • The Serenity Prayer as a sorting tool, not just comfort • Boundaries as acceptance in action: accepting someone doesn't mean handing them a key to your house • What the research says about acceptance-based approaches to substance use • The uncomfortable one: sometimes the difficult person is me

Try this after listening:

1. Mine / Not Mine: two columns. Their tone, choices and opinion of you go under Not Mine. Your response goes under Mine.
2. "Is" not "should": swap "they shouldn't be like this" for "this is how they are right now."
3. Boundary script: "When you ___, I'm going to ___." It's about your action, not their behaviour, and it can stay internal.
4. Pause when agitated: create space between the feeling and the decision.

This is lived experience and peer perspective, not clinical advice. If you're struggling, talk to someone you trust, a recovery community, or a professional.

Research mentioned: Lee, E. B., An, W., Levin, M. E., & Twohig, M. P. (2015). An initial meta-analysis of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for treating substance use disorders. Drug and Alcohol Dependence, 155, 1–7.

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Recovery: simple, not easy.

• AA Grapevine – Talking with Dr. Paul

• Recovery Answers – ACT meta-analysis summary (Lee et al., 2015)

• Lee et al. (2015), Drug and Alcohol Dependence 155

• AA Agnostica – critique of the acceptance passage